


Drowning in You

by paradoxicallysimplistic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con (not to main character), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, NaNoWriMo, Non-Explicit Sex, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Top Eren Yeager, musician!Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-02-04 23:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12781758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradoxicallysimplistic/pseuds/paradoxicallysimplistic
Summary: Everyday is the same painful routine for Levi, the keyboardist and backup singer for The Regiment. Haunted by recurring nightmares of a decision he made long ago, life is colorless against the backdrop of childhood tragedy. Music is his only solace and the medicine which helps him deal with the shitty hand of cards he was dealt with.A twist of fate places Eren, an unassuming college student, in his path. Despite Levi's dismissal of Eren, the green-eyed brunet pervades his life with his unrelenting curiosity and stubbornness. Can he help Levi finally put his demons to rest?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys ~ this is my first longfic with Levi's POV. It's darker and more angsty than other pieces I've written as well. Hope you enjoy it though!
> 
> Sorry for any errors. I do edit before I post, but kept mysteriously finding more. Tried to catch 'em all, but a few might have slipped passed.
> 
> If anyone wants to chat or has suggestions for new fics or requests, please let me know! You can find me on tumblr @[paradoxicallysimplistic](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/paradoxicallysimplistic) or drop me a line on Discord.

_“Rivaille, Farlan, help!”_

The high-pitched scream tore through my ears, jolting me awake. Jerking up in the silk sheets, sweat poured down my back as the haunting scream echoed in the recesses of my mind. The vestiges of a familiar nightmarish memory that continued to burn a hole in my brain after so long.

Years had passed since I left that life behind, but I could never forget the cries as Isabel begged me to help save her. Thin, pale hands reaching out as I lay immobile against cold hard floorboards covered in layers of dirt and grime. My arms and legs refusing to cooperate as I tried to reach out. But all I could do was watch as she was dragged away. My whole body was wracked in pain. Yet none of it could compare to what Isabel went through.

I watched as the light of innocence in her eyes slowly faded and was replaced with hopelessness. The bright greens faded into black as light faded. Eyes which would never reflect the wondrous joys of life. Orbs that would no longer reflect the changing hues of the blue skies. Never mirror the wondrous joys of watching the seasons change across time.

I was there as her tear-streaked face, damp with wispy strands of messy red hair, cried out for help. Fiery red hair tied in two pigtails which once shone like rubies. The thin strands escaping from their confines spilling everywhere like a sea of crimson.

I remembered the pale pink of her skin covered with smudges of dirt from playing on the streets turned ashen grey the next morning. Patches of purplish-blue littered her cold flesh. Bloodied tracks and chipped nails as she clawed at the ground, desperate to escape. The furrows left on the dusty floor, a horrid trail leading towards her demise.

I listened as the as the girlish pleas from which bright warbling emerged grow hoarse as she begged for help. Help that would never come.

Even though I wasn’t conscious for the entire ordeal, blacking out from pain soon after, what I experienced was enough to last a lifetime. Time was a vague concept that held no meaning. It was too long an eternity in darkness to do anything, yet too short and transient in the black abyss to prepare for the hell that was to come.

When I regained consciousness, it was too late. The vibrancy in her eyes had faded into a vacuous stare as she apologized, murmuring our names, before falling into eternal slumber. My last memory of her was not the tinkling full-of-life laughter whenever she managed to play a prank on me and Farlan. It was of her screaming, begging me for help. And I failed her. The sight of those fiery strands sticky and soaked with crimson was seared in my mind. Those sparkling eyes closed for eternity. Isabel had deserved something better than the hellhole we lived in, but it was _my_ deluded quest for freedom and the possibility of something better which had killed her. I was completely in over my head and regretted that choice every single day.

Every second of every minute, I questioned why I was still here. It should have been me lying on the ground, not her. I had lost track of the numerous times I wanted to join her in utter darkness, but each time I hesitated… I was weak.

She was dead. Farlan blamed me, crying and yelling at me before walking out of my life completely. I blamed myself… Yet no matter how much I wanted to repent, I couldn’t. Instead, for better or for worse, I somehow ended up, _up_. It wasn’t _right_.

Isabel hadn’t even turned twelve yet. Her birthday was at the end of summer and Farlan and I had even sneakily made plans to scrape any coins we could find and surprise her with tickets to zoo. But that was never going to happen. I was her big brother and instead of protecting her as I should have, I was the one responsible for her death. If I knew what would have happened, I would have never suggested attempting to escape.

Just the day before we had been so happy, so eager to run away from the hellhole they called home. Although we weren’t properly clothed or fed, at least we were alive and had each other. A few bruises and having to wear rags to school wasn’t ideal, but that would have been preferable to what happened. The few joyous memories I had were always irrevocably inundated by the guilt clawing at my chest. I would happily trade places with Izzy, but that was impossible. God, if that shitty bastard even existed, had abandoned me long before that nightmare happened.

Isabel was dead because I had thought it was a good idea to try and run for it. Farlan and I were beaten and left half-dead for attempting to escape, but the punishment for her was infinitely worse. Not only had she lost her innocence, but her life as well.

In the last fifteen years, I never forgot. What little sleep I managed to get was spent trapped in the same gruesome nightmare. Haunted by things most people never saw.

It was no wonder I was an insomniac.

Hange said I was depressed and needed serious professional help, but at this point I didn’t know the difference anymore. I’ve gone to therapy longer for most of my life and nothing had changed. I was still haunted by those memories as though they were happening in the present. Each day was the same fucking thing over and over again. Sometimes I wouldn’t see them, but those were few and far in between.

Besides, what was the point of trying to get better anyways? I was going to die eventually. We all were. It was a sad, cruel fact of life. Since it really didn’t matter whether I was going to be dead today or someday down the line, why did everyone around me bother with trying to fix something unfixable? My past was a barren wasteland, my present was a daily monochrome disaster, and the future was shit.

Every day consisted of the same routine. Wake up to a shitty sun mocking me, shit, do shit, eat shit, then get as much shitty sleep as I could. Not that I ever got much with the memories. The fucking past wasn’t going to magically vanish like some fucked up fantasy book. The shit happening now would be the shit happening ten years later, except that I’d still be wondering what the fuck was I doing kicking around for so long. The same old unchanging bullshit today would be the same old unchanging bullshit tomorrow, and the rest of my days.

The only benefit of growing up was that there was no one dictating my actions anymore. Not that it really changed much. Nowadays, the largest annoyance was inadvertently seeing or hearing the laughter of some overly happy, optimistic fuck. I already had enough reminders of my shitty past, but the shitty world seemed to have it out for me with the constant reminders that my life was only possible because someone else had paid the price.

Grabbing the nightgown from the hook on the door, I walked down the dark hallway. There wasn’t any need to turn the lights on. I had traversed down the exact same walkway too many times to count now.

Heading for my liquor cabinet, I grabbed a crystal decanter and poured a generous splash of whiskey. Throwing the glass back, I repeated the motion, feeling the fiery burn down my throat as I did. The alcohol never did anything except help melt the chill in my fingers and numb the black hole inside my gut. It only dulled the memories, never fully washing them away.

Padding over to the piano illuminated by moonlight streaming in from the open window, I gently flipped open the keyboard lid. Placing the tumbler of scotch down, I glided my fingertips over the cool ivory keys, worn after so many times I had played it. I touched the smooth surface more gently than I would a lover.

Having a custom made piano with ivory keys had cost a fortune, but it was worth it. Music was my only solace. The only sliver of comfort I had. The grand instrument was my best friend. It didn’t try to change who I was or force me to socialize and any of that bullshit. It was always just _there._

I didn’t need to pretend to be someone I wasn’t when I was playing. To act as though the world hadn’t already ended.

Sitting down, I closed my eyes and pressed lightly on the keys. Notes flowed out without thought as I let the music wash out of my soul. Melodic, haunting, a tune tinged with darkness. The heaviness in my heart escaped, seeping onto those keys as I played. It was my catharsis. Sometimes music was the only thing that kept me sane. The only thing that helped pass the shadowed days of my existence.

The irony of the whole thing was that Isabel had always loved music in the short three years we had been together. She always loved humming along off-key while we played at school. At home when it was just the three of us and Kenny was fuck knows where, I’d sing to her. Songs from the street or heard on the radio. Kenny never let us have luxuries, so music players were out of question. Still, we were always careful not to let Kenny know. Once Isabel had brought back an injured bird, hoping to nurse it back to health, and when Kenny had found out, he had killed it in his fist and thrown it in the trash.

A few times we had even joked about starting a band together, even if I had been the only one with any music talent. And now here I was, living the dream we once shared. But all alone.

I had long accepted I would always be alone. I had never met my birth parents; my mom died before I turned one and my dad… well that fucker was out of the picture before I was even born. The only memory I had of her was a wisp of memory. A melody from some French lullaby she would sing to lull me to sleep.

I was shunted from foster family to foster family after she died, not being old enough to know any differently. Each time I was welcomed they would all greet me with smiles, but I learned never to trust their promises. In the end, they all abandoned me. No one wanted me. Some had raised me for a few months until they found out they were expecting a child of their own and I was returned to the unending system. Others had taken me in since I supposedly looked ‘cute’ before turning on me. Kenny had taken us in for financial gain and that had gone wrong on so many levels. Even the Smiths who had adopted me after Kenny took me in because of pity. I could see it in their eyes each time they looked at me, as though I was some porcelain doll that needed to be coddled and smothered.

While my fingers flew over the keys without conscious thought, I was vaguely aware of switching over to B-flat minor, turning the depressing tune, hauntingly sad. But it was the norm whenever I played. While I had played more cheerful pieces, they were done so under duress. The only music which could soothe the darkness and tame the beast were in a minor key.

As usual, I started slow, with older pieces such as Mozart’s _Requiem in D Minor_ , before moving onto more modern pieces such as Yiruma’s _Time Forgets_. I didn’t even have to think about which pieces to play. Having done this so many times, my fingers already knew the path to take, flying over the white and black keys nonstop.

The music crashed over me like waves on an ocean, drowning my every sense in unending sound. With each note a little part of my mind drifted further and further away, numbing me from earthly concerns. Like a sailor on a boat, I was cast adrift in the melody, carried away on distant shores onto an island where any worries dissipated into mist.

Suddenly, a blare of doom rang out, disrupting my playing and pulling me back to reality. Normally I’d just mute the damn phone and not bother, but shutting out my adopted brother was only a stopgap measure. It was easier to get the shitty call out of the way before Erwin’s fat blond head decided to come knocking on my door. It was difficult for me to understand why he even bothered with such a fuck-up like me, but the damn shrewd blond somehow managed to weasel his caterpillar brows into my life again and again.

Trudging to the living room, I grabbed the infernal device and threw myself on the sofa. Breathing in deeply, I prepared for the sickly concern which would inevitably be on the other end of the line. “What?”

“You couldn’t even be bothered to say hi? I’m hurt.” I scowled at the feigned tone of hurt. Instead of being put off, the asshole only seemed amused. The shithead was taking on too many of Hange’s obnoxious habits. To this day, I was stumped in what Erwin saw in Hange. She was a madwoman with too much energy and no respect for personal privacy.

“Fuck off, dickhead. What do you want?”

My adoptive brother didn’t even blanch at the name, taking it in stride as he replied. “Mom and dad were wondering when you would be free for dinner, Levi.”

“Who knows?” My adoptive parents, who happened also to be Erwin’s real parents, had a tendency to think I was going to kill myself one day. They weren’t wrong. I certainly had tried several times in my youth, but I had outgrown that stage. The thoughts still lingered in the back of my head, but I couldn’t even bring myself to care that much these days anymore. That didn’t stop them from worrying though.  As much as I appreciated it, the concern they showed for my well-being was stifling. I didn’t need someone showering me with hollow words or promises that it would get better. We had met through chance after I ran away from the orphanage.

After Izzy died, I was placed back into the system. Weeks rolled around and no one wanted a taciturn kid who looked dead to the world. I was pretty sure the woman in charge at the orphanage would rather I had died, given how I acted. Some of the other kids wanted to be friends, but I was utterly numb to the world. While none of us had parents, none of them had gone through what I had seen, the pain I felt, or the regret roiling in my stomach. The eventually gave up and it was fractionally less noisy as a result. I went through the day to day motions of living only because the orphanage would punish anyone who didn’t wake up or eat a particular time. But when they began preparing for Christmas and caroling, that was the final straw. I snuck away one winter’s day with only the clothes on my back.

It was freezing outside, but I would much rather die out on the streets than be stuck in that shitty orphanage which reeked of piss and vomit. My hands were freezing that night when I attempted to pickpocket them, and it was so cold out that my fingers didn’t work properly. I half expected them to report me into the authorities, but when they – Robert and Melissa Smith, Erwin’s parents – panicked after seeing me in my threadbare clothes and half-frozen. Instead of sending me to a hospital, they nursed me back to health in their hotel room, eventually adopting me and bringing me back Stateside. Unsurprisingly, when the paperwork went through, they were astonished to know that I was already fourteen. Years of malnutrition stunted my growth and made me look years younger.

“Levi, you know they’re worried for you.”

“Shut up, shitty eyebrows.” I hated the reminder of how much they worried about me. I already owed them more than I would ever be able to repay, but each time I saw them, I remembered the past. The grimy streets, the coldness of winter, and the cobblestone alleyways of Paris.

I definitely appreciated what they had done, rescuing from probable death and taking me as their own. They were always very so good to me, too good in fact. Feeding, clothing, and sending me to the same private school as Erwin. My small size, accent, and belligerent attitude made me stand out as a prime target for bullying. I was already used to scrapping on the streets and fought back just as savagely. Many times it didn’t end until Erwin came along and forcefully separated them like the goody two shoes he was. He received his fair share of bruises, cuts, and broken bones, yet Robert and Melissa continued to shower me with affection and worry, never blaming me for my actions.

As a matter of fact they enrolled me in self-defense, so I wouldn’t end up so battered and bruised. Being able to channel my anger and sorrow into something physical helped. I took to it in frenzied manner, promising to ever be so weak and helpless again. No one would ever win against me again. The first and last time I lost, it had cost me Isabel and Farlan.

“Levi–”

“I’m not in the mood, _Erwin_.” I stressed the last part, knowing that Erwin would understand. Busybody was an apt term for my adoptive brother. Erwin had begun nurturing the skill when we were younger. Aside from school and afterschool lessons, he had his hands full trying to look out for me. I was in a much worse situation back then, not that it had improved by much, but at least I wasn’t going about like a walking corpse. The only problem was that, now, he had his fingers in too many pies and it got irritating.

The silence on the other end resonated loudly. Erwin was one of the few people who knew about my nightmares. But what he knew was only a fragment, skimming the shallowest surface, but going no further. He never heard her screams, had those lifeless eyes boring a hole in his skull.  All he knew were facts on paper. “…do you need me to come over?” The ever so common ‘are you okay?’ went unsaid.

My life after adoption was much improved compared to the hell I had gone through as a child. But a part of me was still strangely detached to those around me. I was thankful for the support they showed me, but part of that appreciation was merely a gesture which I had learned from exposure to the world around me. I didn’t really _feel_ it in the same way. I was trapped in a transient dream, interacting with those in the real world, but not really being part of the world either.

It was like there was a part in my brain that didn’t function right. There were certainly people I liked, disliked, and abhorred, but there wasn’t anyone in the living whom I would claim to love. I understood the idea on a superficial level, could read the emotions on other people, but I really didn’t understand it at all. I didn’t feel it. If Erwin died, I’d feel upset, but I doubted I would grieve much. His passing would be tragic, but death was a natural occurring part of life.

It wasn’t just love. Even sympathy was difficult. What I had gone through trumped the whiny complaints of getting a broken arm or being unable to afford a decent meal once in a while. We had lived like dogs under Kenny, scraping together what little we could find around the house and sharing warmth during cool nights since gas and electricity was too expensive in his opinion. I had never understood the term ‘full belly’ until moving overseas. It was ironic, though. Back then when I needed food, I never had enough, but now, when there was more than enough, I barely had an appetite.

I made sure to disguise the hollowness in my heart as much as possible though. Who knew what would happen if I told them I lacked the ability to feel anything greater than mere liking? Everyone knew I was already screwed up; there was no point in revealing the extent to which that was true. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the studio in three hours?”

“What are you doing there?” I frowned at Erwin coming to my workplace. He was a doctor and not part of the band or studio.

My music talents had emerged half a year after I moved to the States when. Erwin had forced me to join band with him and everyone had been surprised, myself included, when I was given a solo to play in the spring band concert. The Smiths had been happy and signed me up for piano and violin lessons which I took to immediately, using it as a way to express the emotions bottled up inside me. The lessons carried through to the end of high school, which I magically found myself somehow admitted into Julliard. But less than a semester in, I realized how much of a misfit I was. I was still one of the best amongst them, but unlike the students, I didn’t care about the impact of Romanticism on music, the art of performing, or honing my talent. The only reason I played was to be able to forget the demons of my past.

And so I dropped out of the most prestigious music school in the world, returned home, and became part of some neoclassic metal band.

“I’m just dropping off Hange and taking the time to see you while I’m at it.”

“Tch, you’re whipped.” They had been dating for more than six years now, and he would practically move the sun and moon if she asked. It disgusted me how crazy in love they were. It was nauseating and made me want to avoid going into the studio, but that would only lead to one of them at my footsteps, dragging me there.

“Whatever, Levi. So I’ll see you in three hours?” Stealing a glance at the hanging clock, I realized with a heavy heart that it already six in the morning. When had it become so late? It was only three a.m. when I woke up. But this wouldn’t be the only time I tried to sleep, only to be rudely awoken by those dreams and sought solace in playing. “…Levi? You there?”

“Yeah, fine. Going for a run. See you in a bit, Eyebrows.”

Hanging up the phone without preamble, I tossed the gadget on the sofa beside me. Sighing as I palmed my face tiredly, what little energy I had was completely drained from that short conversation. I felt aged beyond my twenty-some odd years. As much as I hated talking to Erwin, he was part of the reason I was still kicking. Had it not been for him, I would have ceased to be several years back. I hated the then-teenaged Erwin for finding me in my room with blood pooling out of my arms. But in a bizarre twisted sense, I was also relieved.

Long ago, I had sworn to live for Isabel and Farlan, but mostly Izzy. Her memory was both what kept me bound and going at the same time. Offing myself to relieve the emptiness of life would be a relief, but it was also nothing compared to the pain she had faced; it would only cheapen what had happened to her, and I would never do that. It was a cheap way of dealing with the yawning void inside me, but if I was going to live for her, I was would have to venture outside my shell to experience and see the things she wanted.

Music was one such thing. Not only was music a way to cope, but my presence in the band was largely influenced by our childhood hopes and aspirations. Even if it went unsaid, everything I did was for her. It was what she would have wanted. She had been a beacon in the darkness when we lived in squalor. While Farlan might still be alive – they hadn’t talked in years – it was my fault for his suffering as well. If only I hadn’t attempted such a foolhardy and wishful venture…

Shaking my head, I forced myself _not_ to remember the past, knowing how dangerous going down the rabbit hole was. The last time couple of times I did so, I either wound up dead drunk and doing things I would never do when sober, or hurting myself. Neither were very pleasant.

Taking one last glance at the clock, I stood up and walked to the bedroom to get changed. Along with the pills and verbal sessions, my therapist had instructed me to exercise regularly. It was supposed to help improve my mood. I had yet to see any change, but the fresh outdoors air was an improvement to being caged inside with only my mind for company. As much as I loved my apartment, I loathed being trapped inside such austere and depressing surroundings.

 

Half an hour later, I began to feel sweat beading on my back. A familiar burn prickled my legs, but I paid it no heed as I continued my run. It was vastly preferable to the cool numbness that stalked my every step. It would have been better to gone jogging earlier, but the last time I went, there were cops out patrolling the beach on the lookout for illegal raves, junkies, or drunks. I would much rather deal with the sun than the ever-annoying drunken revelers laughing and high on life. There were some other runners on the path and a few cars on the streets, but it was blessedly quiet for the most part.

The salty tang of the ocean breeze hit my nostrils as I rounded the curb. The unending sky was drenched in hues of orange and pink bleeding into the expanse of navy. As much as I hated beaches, the shitty grains of sand that got everywhere, and the nastiness salt taste when it got in my mouth, there was something about the untamed roars of the tide rolling in that soothed my mind. The days had been getting longer lately, so in a couple of weeks, I would have to wake up even earlier to see the sunrise.

As usual, I barely paid attention on the run, but somehow, a wayward speck of green managed to snag my attention I jogged along the boardwalk. It was difficult to see exactly what was happening at a distance, but the realization that someone was walking into the ocean made me double back. It was too cold for swimming and they had to be insane to go for a dip in the crashing waves.

Worrying about others wasn’t in my nature, but for some inexplicable reason – maybe the run _had_ boosted my mood unknowingly – I felt uncharacteristically caring. Cupping my hands to my mouth, I called out. “Oi, what are you doing?”

The only response I got was the cawing of gulls.

A frisson of fear went up my spine as the guy continued walking into the water. The waves were almost up to the idiot’s knees now. Blame it on the folly of youth, but I knew enough about killing oneself to know that drowning was not only unpleasant, but most of all, probably wouldn’t succeed if you could swim or weren’t knocked out. The one instinct built into us was to survive, even if we didn’t want to.

I didn’t know what the person’s situation was – for all I knew, he could have had it worse than I had – but if I had survived through my shitty past, so could he. Hell, judging by the fact he was in this part of the city, where properties cost an arm and a leg, he could definitely seek treatment if he needed it.

Silently cursing the fact my shoes were going to be ruined by the grains of sand, I dashed forward on the beach towards the stranger. My feet carried me into the cold water without thinking as I reached out to the suicidal bastard and pulled him back.

“Watch it, shithead!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again if you guys notice any spelling/grammar mistakes. Lemme know! I've been rushing to write the remaining words for NaNoWriMo.

“Wha–!”

“Fuck!”

My feet gave way under the slushy mix of water and sand as I toppled backwards, burdened by the weight of another human being, onto the cold damp wetness. Immediately, I could feel the coolness seep into my clothes. Another shallow wave washed up and I cursed as the salty water chilled my heated skin.

Glowering at the shitty brat who had landed in an unceremonial heap on top of me, I found myself at a loss of words as I stared into the brightest pair of viridian I had ever seen. The guy was completely different from Isabel – for one, he weighed a ton and had a healthy tan – but the luminous orbs reminded me immediately of the Izzy’s eyes. Piercing, vibrant, and vivacious. Full of life and mystery.

It took me by surprise to see such a beautiful color that I lost myself in staring at them for a moment, until the retreating waters reminded me of where I was. On a beach, being squished by a shitty brat who weight a shit ton, and getting water and sand everywhere. Hearing the lull as the tide pulled back, preparing to release itself once again, I immediately shoved at the turd who was looking at me with a befuddled expression. “Fuck. Get off me.”

The last thing I wanted was to get wet. Or wetter. Either way, salty water and sand sucked. They took forever to wash away and even afterwards, the briny scent lingered. It took the idiot a moment or two to respond, and by the time he did, the tide had rolled in once more, soaking my runners further in the shitty sea water which reeked of salt.

“Uhh, sorry!” He leapt up as the water soaked into my clothes, avoiding a good portion of it in the process.

“Shit.” I immediately got up as soon as he was off me, but the backside of my clothes were completely soaked. “Fuck…” I muttered, trying to squeeze as much water out of my shirt as possible. My clothes were meant for wicking away sweat, so they didn’t hold much water, but sweat and being dipped in an ocean were two different things entirely.

Skirting up the beach a couple of feet away to avoid the next tide, I dusted my soggy back off, feeling the nasty grains of sand cling to my hant and clothes. It was an effort in vain. My shoes were already screwed beyond repair – simply drying them out wouldn’t kill the nasty shit in the ocean which had soaked in. My clothes weren’t much better. While I did manage to brush off some of the sand, there was much more which were either glued to my clothes, stuck on my hands, or embedded under my nails. Hell, there definitely was sand in my hair too.

“Fucking gross… my clothes are wet.” I grumbled, trying to wipe my hands off. The suicidal brat was still standing there, uncaring that the water was soaking his sandals, as he watched my antics. He hadn’t even tried to wring the excess water form his own clothes. What was wrong with the kid? Don’t tell me I saved some drugged-up idiot.

“Oi, you just going to stand there, brat?” I demanded, angry that my decision to save him had ended up in me getting soaked by the ocean.

“Err…” The words startled the brunet as he finally responded, blinking a couple of times as he brushed himself free of sand, before opening his mouth. “…dude, what was that for?”

Great, my one good deed of the week had to go to saving this retard? Taking the opportunity, I looked over the idiot, faintly noting how young he was in comparison to me. The lightness in his eyes compared to the shadows haunting mine. The innocence to the darkness inside me. I didn’t know what the fuck had him considering suicide, but whatever it was, it was insignificant compared to the ghosts of my past.

“Tch, the fuck were _you_ doing?” I accused, not even trying to be polite and letting the vitriol spill out unfiltered. “It’s your fault my ass is wet.”

“Minding my own business?” He sounded confused, a dim ember beginning to burn in his turquoise eyes as he released what had happened. “Did I seem like I needed help?”

“Bullshit.” I scowled, hands itching to from the sands stuck on my skin. How dense could the brat be? “I just saved your life, brat.”

The shitty brat scrunched his face in befuddlement, furrowing his brow as he digested my statement. “Wait,” he finally spat out after a long delay, holding his hand out in front of hm. “You thought I was going to kill myself?”

I shot him a look as though that were obvious. What else would he be doing walking into the beach this early in the morning?

“I’m not suicidal, bro.” He spoke to me as if I were a five-year-old and didn’t understand English. “Did you actually think I was going to kill myself? By walking into the water?”

My eyes darkened at his informal lax manner of addressing me. It intimated some level of closeness which didn’t exist and was something I vastly disliked. “Don’t call me that, _kid_. And yes.”

“Seriously? I was just remembering some things.”

“You think I’m dumb? You were walking into the god damn ocean, brat.” If only he knew how many times I had stared at the vast surface of unending water and had similar thoughts of being washed away by the ebb and flow of the rising tides. If not my body, then at least my memories and nightmares.

I always felt small in front of the ocean. Insignificant. Like some tiny ass nail in a large machine, which no one would notice gone. Knowing that my death would have no real consequences upon the world was both liberating and daunting. No one would give a rat’s ass when I was gone; it would be one of many pennies in the well. But at the same time troubling in a sense, because no one would remember Izzy and everything that happened. Her life, as short as that had been, was already gone. It would only make her existence, as meaningless and cruel as it had ended, be completely forgotten. And she certainly did not deserve it.

“I’m serious, man. I was just remembering some things from when I used to play on the beach as a kid.” Narrowing my eyes, I stared untrustingly at the kid in front of me. The kid was likely as crazy as Hange. No one in the right mind would be out on the beach and walking into the ocean while wearing shorts and a long-sleeved sweater. Didn’t he know how much fish shit was dissolved in the water? “What’s your deal, anyways?”

“Tch, who knows…?” I muttered under my breath, frustrated that I had just wasted my precious time trying to be a Good Samaritan for once in my godforsaken life. Instead of praise and thanks for my charitable deed, my clothes were soaked, my phone was probably damaged, and I had fucking sand stuck everywhere. I shouldn’t have bothered with the shitty brat and continued on my merry fucking way. The least of my concerns would be washing off the sweat from the run then.

“Huh.” Those green eyes looked at me, as dumbfounded as I likely was, before a tanned hand went up and messed up his hair. “Well, thanks I guess…?”

“Eh, it was whatever.”

 _Well… that was a fucking waste of time_ , I thought to myself. I had achieved nothing. Quite the opposite. Not only had I cut my run short, but now I had wet clothes and shoes to deal with. Touching the soggy fabric, I considered the idea of stripping off my shirt and running the rest of the way home. It wasn’t the most ideal though as the temperature was still slightly cool, particularly if the wind was going to wick the water away. Which left me with the similarly disgusting idea of jogging home in wet clothes.

“So… err…” The kid started for a moment, then paused, before continuing. “I know this is weird, but you wanna come over to my place? Your clothes are soaked and I have a couple extra towels you could use to dry off.”

As sketchy as the offer sounded – apartments here were a fortune – the prospect of drying off, if even a little, was too tempting. I was still a good twenty-minute jog away from home and the need to get some of the foul substance off was too strong.

“Fine.” I didn’t trust the snot-nosed kid, but if he tried anything fishy, he would be the one to suffer, not me. “But you better not try anything.”

“Cool.” The brunet’s lips curled in a large smile, completely at ease with the warning I had delivered. “Oh, I’m Eren by the way!” He held his disgusting hand out and I shuddered at the thought of having more sand latch onto my skin.

He took my refusal to shake on it with a smile, glancing at his hand before retracting the offer.

“Levi.” I grunted. Now that we were introducing ourselves, I wondered whether he would recognize me or not. Eren certainly had not reacted the way fans did, which gave me hope he wouldn’t. Then again, most people on the streets couldn’t put two and two together when they saw me on the streets – no one expected “L” in The Regiment to be so short – but the chance was always there. And while we weren’t big in the music world, we certainly had a dedicated following. Each of us, Petra, Gunther, Eld, Oluo, and I, had gotten some form of obsessed fan behavior whether it was someone stalking Petra or the creepy ass fan mail we received.

“Weird name. You named after the jeans or something?” The brat chuckled at his own joke while I merely shot him a distinct ‘no’ to kill that line of question.

I was tempted to say that my name was anglicized from Rivaille, but refrained from it. There was no need to tell a complete stranger my tragic life story. My French accent had been one of the last reminders of my past to go, and thankfully it had faded rather rapidly after so many voice lessons. But talking about my name was something thing I generally avoided thinking about.

Rivaille had been an orphan living on the streets of Paris who watched his adopted sister get raped and die.

Levi was the adopted son of a successful neurosurgeon and doubled as the keyboardist and backup vocals for the neoclassic metal band, The Regiment.

I was Levi now. I wasn’t Rivaille, nor did I ever wish to be again.

 

“How the fuck do you afford this place?” I frowned, mentally calculating the dimensions of the room as I entered. The kid barely looked old enough to work. Then again, I grimaced at the reminder, there were those guys who managed to hit it big online. I only hoped I wasn’t stuck with one of those millionaire rich types who frittered away whatever they made as fast as it came. Those kinds of people always seemed to piss me off with their lax attitude and wasteful behavior.

Not only was it in a prime location, but the condo was larger than it looked from the outside. The walls of the living room, adorned with shelves full of random stuff, were painted eggshell white, and the upholstery looked brand new. Not too lavishly decorated, but it was obvious the brat had to have some money given the Blu-Ray player, giant widescreen television, marble kitchen tops, and a balcony overlooking the water. Random sheets of paper and a few books were scattered on the coffee table, and there was the newest Macbook Air open on it. Money wasn’t much of an issue now, but his place and the furnishes he had was certainly more expensive than anything I could have afforded when I first moved out.

“Oh, my dad paid for it.” I studiously ignored the filthy pizza box on the counter as he shrugged carelessly, chucking his keys on the kitchen table. “Present for getting into college. Not that he really cares…” There was a sour tinge a when Eren discussed his father, but I couldn’t care less about his daddy issues. A moment later, the dourness vanished as he turned back to me and brightened. “Anyways…! Lemme get you a towel, wait here.”

As if I had anywhere to go. My shoes were still dripping water with every step and given how irresponsibly Eren had walked inside without taking off his shoes, there was no way I was going to walk inside with bare feet. At least it was a hardwood floor. It would have been a bitch to clean sand and seawater from a carpet.

Grimly pulling my phone out, I pressed the power button, praying it would turn on. Instead, all I got was nothing. The screen remained black no matter what I did. This wasn’t the first time I had a phone ruined by water damage, but this was the first time it had been salt water. Remembering what had happened with my previous device, I quickly pulled off the cover, frowning at the water which had accumulated underneath. There was even more sea water and sand stuck in the crevices and corners as I pried the back of the phone off. Judging by the ugly mess inside, it was unrecoverable.

The brat returned as I was taking apart my phone with a fluffy forest green towel in his hand and another wrapped around his own neck. “Here you go.”

Grunting my thanks, I dropped my phone on the table and grabbed the towel. Lifting the fabric to my nose, I inconspicuously sniffed it to make sure it was clean. There was no telling where he had fished it from given the state of his apartment. The scent of flowers and lavender hit me instead of sweat and mildew. Satisfied that it was scented of flowers and lavender instead of sweat and mildew I quickly ran it over my head and limbs. I would still need a long hot shower the moment I returned home, but it was better than nothing.

“Oh, Levi.” My head popped up at the mention of my name. “Sorry, I should’ve said this first, but feel free to hop in the shower if you want. You got the worst of it.”

“Tch, I’m fine.” I continued toweling off my hair, trying to get most of the water out. There was no way the sand was getting free without a shower, but I’d rather risk the additional few minutes of filth than face the state of the brat’s bathroom. Most people were fine with dead skin cells and grime populating their tubs, but I sure as hell wasn’t.

“Well, okay…” Eren scratched the back of his head, causing me to cringe at the reminder of the sand in my own hair. “So, you go for morning runs often?”

I sent him a dull look, moving down to dry my arms, instead of replying. Was this kid an idiot or something? There was a thing called trying _too_ hard to be friendly.

He seemed to take my silence as me being too busy trying to dry off. It didn’t take me too long, but I did the best I could given the situation. Satisfied that my clothes were only damp now, I returned to the dead phone lying on the table. My last ditch attempt to turn it on failed. Frowning at the piece of technology that was supposed to be water resistant, I haphazardly put it back together and shoved it into my pocket.

As novel and sensible an excuse it would be to say I had gotten caught up in something, Hange, and through her, Erwin, would undoubtedly go into hysterics if I was late and unreachable. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid them or do anything stupid, but the last thing I wanted was for them to ply me with more soul-sucking pity and care. “Oi, mind if I borrow your phone? Mine’s dead.”

“Sure. The phone’s over there.” Eren pointed at a small table in the living room.

Hiding my amazement that the kid had a _landline_ – what was this? The nineties? – I walked over and I punched in the numbers from heart. Erwin’s was the only number I could rattle off the top of my head without going online and searching for the studio or my band’s contact information It wasn’t like I wanted to remember his number, but he had had the same number for more than ten years and used to pick me up from my lessons.

Two rings later, a familiar low-voiced male responded. “Hello? Who is this? Can I help you?”

“It’s me, Eyebrows.”

“Levi! I was so worried when I couldn’t reach you! What happened? Are you okay?”

“Tch, we just talked two hours ago.” Snorting incredulously at the panic in Erwin’s voice, I waited until his tirade of worry had ended before speaking up. According to the clock, they had just talked two hours ago. It wasn’t like I had been planning to jump off a bridge or something. I might have done some stupid shit when I was younger, but I had matured beyond that now. “What’d you think I was going to do? Shoot myself?”

“Don’t even joke about that, Levi.” He scolded.

“Fine, fine.” Rolling my eyes at his brotherly mother hen routine, I absentmindedly picked grains of sand from under my nails.

“Okay. Good to know you’re fine.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m running late.” Glancing at the clock, I quickly computed the amount of time it would take to get to the recording studio. “Tell Four-Eyes I’ll be at the studio in two hours or so.” It wouldn’t take that long to get home, but I needed to wash up and eat before heading out. Singing on an empty stomach was a disaster waiting to happen.

“What happened? And whose phone are you using?”

“Borrowing some kid’s phone. Mine got destroyed by the ocean.” There was no harm in using Eren’s phone. It wasn’t like I was going to see him again. And even if I did, the kid had no clue who I was, which suited me just fine.

“…really? But I thought you hated running in the sand.”

“Whatever. Just let the others know I’ll be late.” I hated being tardy, but it a grosser sin to go about the day in wet clothes that reeked of seaweed. Late I could deal with, but covered in filth was a sensation I never wished to experience again.

“Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re okay, Levi.”

“Tch, you worry too much.”

“I know, but…”

“Just cut it out, Erwin. I’ve heard it a million times.” I literally _have_ heard it a million times or more. The familiar relief at hearing nothing untold had happened and that I was still kicking. As pleasant as it was feeling that people cared, it felt more like a routine than anything. Repeating ‘I’m fine’ grew old quickly and it was even worse when they didn’t believe me, which had happened in some cases.

“Okay.” Erwin paused for a moment. “Well... I’ll let her know. And let me know when you’re free for dinner.” I grunted at the request. It wasn’t as if my schedule had changed at all within the last several hundred minutes since we last talked. “I’ll talk to you later, Levi.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Hanging up the phone, I cringed at the sensation of drying sand on my skin. I really needed to get home and shower. It felt as though there was sandpaper on my skin. There was a shuffle behind me and I turned around to see the source of my morning woes.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I hummed absentmindedly.

“So umm… sorry about your phone. I’ll pay for repairs or a replacement if you want.” Eren rushed on, not even bothering to ask for my input.

“Nah, it’s fine.” I could most certainly afford to spend a couple hundred on a new phone. Besides, this way it gave me an excuse to stay off-grid for a couple of days while I got a replacement. God knows, I would appreciate peace of mind.

“Well, let me buy you a coffee or something then. I feel really bad about wrecking your phone.”

“Kid, its fine. Keep the money for yourself.”

“I’m serious. It’s my dad’s credit card anyways…” The last bit was mumbled under his breath, and I pretended not to hear it. “I mean you didn’t need to save me,” he made quotes in the air to emphasize the word save, “but lemme get you a coffee as thanks at least.”

I groaned internally at his demand. First the kid was dense as a brick and now he was as stubborn as one? Someone really wanted to fuck with me today.

“Look here, brat–”

“Eren.” he cut in, correcting me.

“Whatever. Thanks for the towel, and stop worrying about the phone.” I made a show of looking at my watch. “But I need to go, _kid_.” I emphasized the last word, attempting to distance myself from him. The intersection between our two lives was a happenstance and something that I certainly did not want to deal with regularly. It was difficult enough mustering the energy to deal with the band, Erwin, my therapist, and everything else; adding a stubborn brat would only make life more stressful.

“Okay, but seriously, dude. Let me get you a coffee or something at least.” He implored me once more.

“Ugh, fine.” I relented, knowing that if I didn’t, the kid would probably stalk my running route or something. He was like a dog with a bone, similar to Erwin in that regard, but lacking tact and far too brash for my liking. “Again, thanks for the towel.” I was already running late, and I desperately needed that shower and change of clothes.

“No problem.” He took the sand and ocean water infested towel back, tossing it on the back of a chair. I cringed at the thought of what else was on the chair, vowing never to come visit the brat anymore. Following his footsteps to the door, I forced my feet into the pair of disgusting wet runners, and stepped out the open door quickly. “I’ll see you around, Levi.”

“Yeah, sure.” I nodded absentmindedly, preparing myself mentally for the short run back. “Later.”


	3. Chapter 3

The cement pounded underfoot as I made my way along the familiar path. The briny ocean water tickled my nose as I moved, one step at a time, in a rhythmic daze. I wasn’t paying much attention to the happenings around me, lost in the music and daresay _enjoying_ the mindless activity. The sun was decently high in the sky and there were other runners and dog walkers going about their morning routine the same way I was.

“Hey!”

Turning up my music, I ignored the shout, not bothering to stop my morning routine and turn around to see what was happening. It was too far away to be directed at me and it wasn’t as if I knew many people in the area. Everyone else was at least a fifteen-minute drive away and Gunther, who had been the closest, had moved further south into a larger place two months ago. Besides, they knew better than to ambush me on my run.

“Hey!” The greeting grew louder, but once more, I ignored it.

It was too early in the day for me to be social. The last time I had any human interaction outside of passing joggers on the street this early, I ended up having to deal with a shitty brat who wouldn’t accept no for an answer. I refused to be a participant in something that might result in a dead cellphone and clothes which reeked of the sea once more. Just thinking of the brackish water filled with shit made me shudder.

“Hey Levi! Wait up!” The person behind me called out again, but this time with my name. Stopping my morning run, I pulled out an earbud and turned around to the sight of a green-eyed brat huffing as he walked towards me. “Finally caught up to you. Didn’t you hear me call out earlier?”

I fixed an annoyed glare at the red-faced kid heaving for breath. I had only just begun to feel the welcoming heat in my limbs and suddenly breaking in between would make it all for naught. My mood had gone from decently content to pissed off the moment the shithead interrupted.

“I’m in the middle of something. What do you want?”

If my last interaction with the shitty brat was any indication, at this rate I wouldn’t have enough time to make a thorough breakfast before heading out to the studio. My run had already begun later than usual no thanks to an early morning phone call by Hange telling me about the change in venue for the live next week. She could have waited a couple of hours until practice to inform us and spared me the pain of dealing with her uppity enthusiasm. I had the distinct feeling that she had purposely called to nag me. I had learned the hard way not to hang up on Hange lest they end up spamming my phone with calls, texts, and annoy me in person even more. It was bad enough dealing with them vocally, I didn’t need the physical harassment they considered ‘skinship.’

“Oh, sorry for interrupting your morning jog.” The brat certainly did not seem apologetic with the way he was speaking. It only soured my mood further. “I wasn’t sure how to reach you or anything, but I knew you ran in the area, so I figured I’d wait here until I saw you.”

“Just get to the point.” I chastised myself mentally for getting involved with a stubborn brat who was doubling as a stalker. To have not only one, but _two_ mornings ruined was a little more than I could handle.

The last four, five days had been nice, uninterrupted peace in the mornings. I went about my morning jog without any disruptions or shitty brats polluting the peace. The entire ruining-my-clothes-and-phone incident had been wiped from my mind until a minute ago. Had it not been necessary to replace my phone, I might have even chalked it up to some fanciful once-in-a-lifetime-but-never-again encounter.

“Yeah, so… I was wondering whether you were free to go grab coffee or something.” I barely withheld my snort at the lopsided grin he shot me. As if such an action would change anything. Not only did I loathe coffee, but more importantly, I really hated getting involved with people. ”I kinda still owe you for the whole dead phone thing.”

“I already told you, kid. It’s fine. Besides, I already got a new one.” I lifted my arm to emphasize the device currently playing music. Having a dead phone was a perfect excuse to not deal with people calling and texting all the time. Erwin and Hange had forced their numbers on me, but there were others, acquaintances really, who didn’t yet have my new number.

“I know, but please…?” There was a light whine to the question. “It’s on me.”

I blinked, taking a moment to process his words. Seriously, what was with the kid and wanting to repay a total stranger? Most people would take my refusal and contently walked away with a couple extra bucks, knowing they had tried to repay me. What Eren was doing was outside the norm.

“Why are you trying so hard, kid? We barely know each other.”

Hell, the less he knew about me the better. The last thing I wanted was for this stubborn brat to follow me home or stake out my jogging route in hopes of a coffee companion. It was always possible that he was simply being friendly, but I knew enough to be cautious. None of his behavior last time indicated that he knew who The Regiment or I was, but one thing could easily lead to another and I would be _pissed_ if any fans found out. It had taken a long time to find the perfect place close enough to the city to have access to its amenities, but far enough away that I needn’t be bothered by the mundane bullshit of city life, and I wasn’t willing to risk it for some shitty brat.

“I just really hate owing people.”

“It’s not your fault.” I responded automatically, hoping to appease his sense of guilt so he would stop feeling like he needed to owe me. If anything, it was my technically fault for running over there and grabbing him. Neither of us would have gotten soaked and my phone would be alive if I had kept jogging and ignored him.

“Yeah, but if it wasn’t for me, none of that would have happened.” Opening my mouth, I prepared to repeat that that he didn’t owe me anything, but he spoke up again. “Look, I know you don’t think it’s my fault, but if I wasn’t walking into the ocean like that, you would have never gotten involved in the first place. I mean, yeah, I was doing something pretty dumb back there, but I still feel pretty bad for what happened.” His green eyes implored me beseechingly. “Getting you coffee is the least I could do.”

It was a look I was all too familiar with. A look that was very different from the one that Isabel used to give me any time she wanted something, and yet affected me in a very similar manner. It was the look of a pathetic dog, but yet didn’t seem pathetic, but pitiful and sad instead. One that spoke volumes of how he would back down if necessary, but leave a lump of guilt lodged in your throat for denying him it. There might have been something in the manner in which we met or how Eren described his distant relationship with his parents, but I had never felt bad for denying someone something. Isabel had been the only one which I struggled with. And now there was this brat whom I barely knew and shared no tangible connection with.

“It doesn’t even have to be that long. Just a couple of minutes.”

It had been years since I had experienced Izzy’s pleading, but the air around Eren was reminiscent of my long-dead sister’s. The shitty brat was a completely different person and had no relation to me, but the way I was reacting felt too similar for my liking. If I were to refuse him now, the nugget of discomfort would bother me for the rest of the day.

Weighing the options, I let out a tired sigh.

“Fine.”

“Cool.”

“We can go now.” I added quickly. My morning rhythm was already screwed up and setting a later date would only mean seeing the brat another instance. The sooner it happened, the sooner he would be out of my hair.

“Now?” Eren furrowed his brow lightly.

“Yeah, isn’t that why you asked?”

“Umm… sure. We can go now. Do you mind if I drove though? My favorite place is a little far from here.” At my scowl, he quickly amended his sentence. “My car is just around the corner.”

“Lead the way.”

 

I scowled at the quaint coffeehouse Eren brought us to. The store was squeezed between two condominiums, almost undetectable if one wasn’t looking. A blast of warm air scented by the bittersweet scent of roasted coffee beans hit as Eren opened the door. Inside, the shop was painted in warm hues of brown, green, and orange. Though there was a mild hum of activity and the sounds of the machines behind the counter, it wasn’t rowdy like the hip places Hange liked dragging me to. Even then, I immediately spied the usual scenes inside a café. A couple flirting in a corner, a broke and caffeinated student typing furiously into a laptop, a small group of adults chatting away, and a few loners busy on their phones while sipping their coffee.

I had never told him that I abhorred the nasty black-brown beverage. It was bitter, pungent, and unpalatable. Even the addition of copious amounts of sugar and milk, which presented another can of worms given that I hated sweets and was lactose intolerant, didn’t improve the flavor. I never understood the descriptors, such as ‘chocolate’ or ‘vanilla,’ people used to describe the flavor of coffee either.

Normally, I would order a simple black tea, or green if they didn’t have black, but I had learned the hard way that most specialty coffee shops either didn’t have or had horrible tea. Brewing tea wasn’t as simple as sticking a bag into the water. It needed to be steeped for a certain amount of time at a certain temperature, and one needed to get the concentration of tea to water just right. The smallest tweak, such as too hot water or a tea bag instead of loose leaves, would lead to a less flavorful beverage. Unfortunately, most baristas – if calling the people making such shitty sludge such a term was even appropriate – didn’t know the different between shit and gold when it came to tea. I doubted they even knew what they made tasted like.

Preparing myself for the worst, I walked to the counter and scanned the menu. Immediately disregarding the detailed listing of all the roasts and blends they had, I looked for the familiar “other” or “hot beverage” column, searching for any indication about the tea they had. It wasn’t difficult to spot the three letter word, but that was all it was. Frowning at the poor description, I turned my gaze towards the counter, searching for the rectangular boxes or canisters that normally housed tea bags. It took me a moment to find them, but I did. The selection they had, some shitty local brand that specialized in fusing teas with fruits and other shit that didn’t belong, made me cringe internally.

“Hi! Welcome to the 104th Street Café. How may I help you?” I didn’t spare a glance at the cashier, still looking over the flavors of tea they had.

“I’ll have a large macchiato with an extra double shot of espresso.” I cringed at Eren’s order. So much caffeine in one drink couldn’t be a good thing. “Levi?”

“Tea. Black.” It was the only thing in the set of flavors that didn’t seem remotely dangerous. Everything else likely had that hippie acai berry or dandelion root bullshit. There was no miracle drug; if there was, I’d be cured and walking around like a normal person instead of having nightmares and insomnia.

“Anything else?”

“No.”

Before either of them could ask me again, I walked over to a small secluded corner booth. Sitting down, I let the sights and smells wash over me. I regretted agreeing to coffee with the brat. As pleasant as the low volume of the place was, the fumes were beginning to make my head ache.

“Hey, I almost missed seeing you in this corner. Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Grunting, I accepted the cup of tea and inhaled the scent. It didn’t smell as bad as I had feared.

“So how long have you lived in this area?”

“A couple of years.” I stirred my tea, watching the bag spin round and round in the cup, gradually staining it in dark reddish brown.

“I see. I just moved here a few months ago for college.”

I listened half-heartedly as Eren rambled on about useless topics, many of which he had mentioned to me before. It was all useless as far as I could tell. The only reason I was there was because it was the easiest way to get him off my back. I didn’t care a smidgeon that one of his best friends was dating a horse, how his childhood friend was brilliant and studying at Harvard, or how he didn’t get along with his parents. As in many other conversations, I merely listened in with half an ear, sipping my tea and grunting to make it seem like I was still paying attention.

“Why are you holding your cup like that?”

“Hmm?” I took another sip of the hot beverage. The tea was better than I had expected, but still a far cry from my ordinary fare. Then again I went out of my way to get the best quality leaves.

“With your fingers on the rim.” He pointed at my hands. “It’s weird.”

“Who cares?” I shrugged. The habit was one of the few I still carried with me from my childhood. Kenny only had a few cups, many of which were missing handles and chipped, so holding it by the rim was the only way to avoid scalding myself as a child. Now, it was more motor memory than anything.

“Anyways… as I was saying…”

Eren was used to carrying a conversation it seemed, as he quickly continued onto whatever topic had just come to mind. A question was directed at me every once in a while, so I merely grunted to keep him occupied. Oddly enough, he didn’t seem offended when I refused to answer most of them.

“Oh my god!” An irritatingly high-pitched voice squealed. Like the others in the café, I immediately turned my head towards the source of the noise near the counter. From my vantage point, I couldn’t see the speaker, but she was likely a female in her late teens or early twenties. “It’s him! It’s L!” Her voice had decreased to a dramatic whisper, which still carried throughout the entire room.

“You mean L from The Regiment?” Another female voice – her friend, I assumed – replied.

Hearing my band being mentioned immediately put me on the alert. Nothing we wrote was particularly mainstream, but we were frequently asked to go on tour or had other bands asking if they could open for one of our performances. I honestly didn’t care how popular we were or how many fans were out there, so long as the money paid the bills (which they did). In retrospect, I preferred life before we released our first album. While music continued to be the core, a non-zero portion of our time was now focused on marketing and how to best get our music to appeal to people. Nothing I wrote or played was meant for any one audience. I wrote them because they were lyrical manifestations of my life.

“Yup. I heard the whole band lives in the area, but I never really thought I’d ever get the chance to see him in person.” I actually wished she hadn’t spotted me. Dealing with fans was part of the job I loathed. The rest of the band were better equipped to smile and thank them for their continued support compared to me and my constantly pissed-off expression. “It’s really hard to get tickets for any of the lives. They always sell out super quickly! The last one was gone in less than a week.”

I didn’t pay attention to any of those numbers. That was Hange’s job as manager and PR for the band. I was somewhat aware that we did fewer live performances than other bands, but there was a good reason for that. Firstly, according to Hange, it was strategic never to saturate the market. Too many performances in a short time frame would mean a difficulty getting a full house, particularly in a city whose population was shy of two million. And secondly, it was so we didn’t stress our bodies playing. We had a scare last year when Petra came down with bronchitis and wasn’t able to sing. The doctors recommended we scale back, and we did.

Our producer, Pixis, had been a little irritated when he realized our first tour was shorter than most, but Hange had informed him that it was all part of the plan. There were several unintentional effects of appearing less frequently. While concert tickets still constituted a large bulk of our cash flow, apparently, decreasing the number of performances imposed a scarcity which artificially boosted the status of each individual live. It also capped the rate at which we received mail from crazy fans. On the flip side, though, it also meant that we could reach fewer individuals in a setting and we could be considered less successful as a result.

“I knew The Regiment was from this area, but you sure that’s him?” A hint of skepticism came in. “He looks pretty short.”

I scowled at the mention of my height. Because I was on the keyboard, I was often sitting or on a raised platform, making me seem much taller both in music videos and on stage. My physical statistics were never published and any time there was an event involving my physical presence, Hange had instructed me to wear platform shoes. It made me feel ridiculous, but at least I gained an inch or two that way. Ironically, though, it had also saved me on occasion such as a fan not believing L was that short and allowing me to slip away.

“Haha, that’s what I thought too. But last time I went, my boyfriend just managed to get tickets for standing room tickets. You know how things get crazy during a live?” There was a murmur of agreement. “I was pushed up to the front and was like almost face-to-face with them. That’s definitely L!”

It was rare for anyone to actually be able to recognize me. It was more difficult for Petra as she was pretty distinctive and the primary face of the band. Eld and Gunther were also fairly recognizable given how they had dressed in casual clothing during a few fan meet and greets. Their heights also made it easy to spot them whenever we were in a crowd. I had never considered it a good thing, but the fact my shorter than average height made it was difficult to spot me in a crowd was somewhat of a blessing.

Most publicly available images or videos of me as L featured me wearing a metal studded vest, ripped jeans, and some other emo, goth, or punk style of clothing the stylists had prepared under Hange’s direction. My hair and face were similarly styled. Consequently, as my usual image or real name weren’t published anywhere, no one really expected me to look so _normal_. I didn’t dress or act like I was part of a band, and my pissed off expression was often enough to scare many onlookers away.

“Omigod! Seriously?” I could feel myself being pinned with three separate pairs of eyes. Two female ones behind me and a pair of green ones in front of me, asking what was going on. “I wanna get his autograph!”

“Shhhh!” A nearby guest shushed them. They were getting pretty out of hand, and had I not been the target of their inquiry and trapped in a booth with a stubborn brat, I would have either told them to shut the fuck up or left. The former would be highly gratifying, but I didn’t want to attract enough attention as it was.

“Sorry!” One of the girls apologized, but that didn’t stop her from answering her friend. “Yes, for sure! I actually have their latest cover on me right now! Was supposed to be a gift for Vicky, but I’ll just get her another one then.”

“Luckyyyy! I don’t have anything on me but some paper for class.” A heard some rustling as the two girls finally stood up and made their way towards me. Eren, surprisingly, hadn’t said a word. No doubt the brat was going to question me later about this. I purposely turned a blind eye, drinking my tea, as they neared. “Umm… L?”

“Nnh.” I grunted in agreement, turning to face the pair. They weren’t dressed in any crazy way that screamed fans of The Regiment, but the way their eyes were shining told me everything.

“Can we get your autograph, please?”

“Yeah, sure.” I purposely injected a little friendliness into my voice, taking the sheet of paper and pen she handed to me. If either of them tweeted and mentioned how much of an ass I was, Hange would find out and annoy the shit out of me. “Name?”

“Make it out to Naomi. Please.”

Randomly writing some message on it, I signed the ‘L’ with a flourish, making the jagged end of it streak across the page like a lightning bolt.

“This is awesome! Thanks, L!” I grunted in response, moving to sign the CD case her friend held out. “Gray is going to be suuupper jealous!” The black-haired girl gushed, staring at the page I had autographed with adoration.

I repeated the same process for her friend, using a metallic sharpie to scribble something on the case. “Thank you so much!”

“No big deal.” I grunted, never changing the expression on my face. I didn’t think this coffee shop was the type of place our fans frequented, and as long as I wasn’t going to get mobbed by more autograph requests, I would live. Hange had no right to say I wasn’t doing my part in advertising the band’s name anymore. Hell, I had just done what she believed I never did.

It was a relief when the two of them finally left, giggling and squealing, though. The moment the door shut behind them, the atmosphere of the café returned to normal, filled with the faint clatter of keys on a laptop, the whirr of the coffee machine, and the _quiet_ whispers of conversation.

Unfortunately, their racket had presented a problem that their departure did nothing to solve. Namely, the brat who was now staring at me with avid interest.

“Spit it out. You look stupid looking like that.” I took a sip of tea as I prepared for the inevitable.

“The Regiment?” Eren finally pried his mouth to ask. It must have killed him to hold in his question. I had noticed him rapidly typing something on his phone a minute ago during the signing, so he must have looked us up. “Are you really L from The Regiment, Levi?”

“Yeah. So what?”

“That’s so cool. I can’t believe I haven’t heard of you guys before.” That wasn’t shocking, but it relieved me that Eren hadn’t. I had no idea how large our listenership was, but life would have been unlivable if we were as famous as some of the artists out there. “It sounds like something I’d like.”

“Huh.” I wanted to slam my head against the wall at his statement. His knowledge of my identity was a miscalculation on my part – he hadn’t shown an interest or recognition when we first met – and now, there wasn’t anything I could do short of murder or kidnapping to prevent Eren from spreading the news of my real identity. He didn’t know much about me, but it was more than was publicly available online. I kept a low profile on purpose, but all it took was one stray post online to ruin that.

“Yeah, it says you guys are giving a live next Friday.” He held up his phone showing me my band’s site and the giant ad for our upcoming performance. “Are tickets really that hard to get? I’d love to see you perform.” He frowned, tapping at his phone once more.

“No clue.” It wasn’t as if I ever needed to buy tickets for my own show.

“Damn it… all sold out.” Eren grimaced, looking at me like a kicked puppy. “I wonder when the next show is… Do you have an idea?” He asked me with green eyes glimmering with hope.

“Nope. Sorry, kid.” I knew we had a national tour planned for next year, but I left the planning for local and instate performances to the rest of them. My role was really writing the music and performing it. About half the songs we sang were my creations with a little help from the rest of them, and the other half were collaborations within the band. They always made sure I was up for a performance before penning it in, but I rarely made any decisions involving performances.

“Oh, okay.” He let out a little sigh, putting down his phone reluctantly.

 

The depressed expression hadn’t faded on Eren’s face when we left the café. He continued the chatter and one-sided conversation, but there was a distinct pall cast over it. He was clearly upset; the glimmer from earlier had faded from his eyes. Feeling a vibration in my pocket, I motioned for him to stop moving as I scooped up my phone.

“What?” I barked into the phone, taking a few steps so my call would be semi-private.

“Levi. You weren’t at home. I came by to drop off some stuff.” My adoptive brother’s concern came through the earpiece. He hadn’t said it, but I knew Erwin wanted to ask where I was and how I was doing. He knew better than to ask, as doing so only riled my temper.

“No shit. I’m out at the moment.”

“Okay. I’ll pass them to Hange and tell her to give them to you later today.”

“Fuck no.” The last time Hange laid her hands on my stuff she ended up forgetting them at her place for a week. And when they were finally in my hands, they reeked of month-old laundry and chemicals. Technically everything was still in the bag, but I had no clue what the hell had happened to turn them that way. There was no fucking way I would let her take my stuff again. I’d rather jump in the ocean before that happened. “I’ll swing by your place this evening.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be home around eight if that works for you.”

“Yeah, eight’s good.” Mentally adding it to my very short list of things to do, I opened my mouth and asked before I could stop myself. “Hey, do we still have tickets for the show next week?”

Erwin wasn’t involved with the band, but he and Hange were literally tied at the hip, so everything she knew, he knew. Plus, I already enough of Hange to deal with for one morning. Anymore and I might just commit mass murder.

“We should. We always have some VIP passes and Hange mentioned that there are always about ten or so tickets for close friends or family. Why?”

“Can you get me one?” I wasn’t even sure whether Eren would listen to or appreciated our music, but Glancing out the corner of my eyes to the brat fumbling around in the kitchen, I mentally shrugged. “Actually make that two.” I figured the brat probably had a friend or two he wanted to bring along. It wasn’t like anything was going to happen with sales if he didn’t use the extra one.

“It’s the first time you’re actually asking for tickets, Levi. Who are they for?” There was an interested lilt in Erwin’s voice.

“Fuck you.” I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with this shit at the moment. “Can you get them or not?” I questioned, venom leaking from every word. Erwin was insufferable enough normally, but having him pry into my life was something I didn’t need. 

“Yeah. Who should they be mailed to?”

“I’ll text you that info in a bit.” I could have just asked Eren – he was only an arms’ length away – but I didn’t want to be on the phone with Erwin for longer than necessary.

“Okay. The sooner the better, Levi.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“And let me know when you’re free for dinner!”

“Got it, Eyebrows.” I hung up the phone without preamble. Walking back towards the brat, Eren quickly pressed something on his phone and jerked his head back up. “Oi, stop looking so butthurt, brat. What’s your address?”

Eren blinked, surprised, before scowling at me. “What for? Don’t you already know where I live?”

“Do you want those tickets or not, brat?”

“Really? Yes, please!” He rattled off a series of numbers and letters which I quickly typed and sent to Erwin. Ten seconds later, I received a reply.

“They should arrive by the end of the week.” I informed the excited brunet, ignoring the rest of Erwin’s message about wanting to meet Eren and such.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you so much, Levi!” Eren made a move to hug me, but I backed away reflexively. He appeared a bit bummed out by the rejection, but recovered quickly, beaming widely. “I can’t wait to go see you perform!”


	4. Chapter 4

“So Levi, tell me about your couple of days. Anything interesting happen?” My psychiatrist, Ilse Langner, calmly asked.

I have been seeing her for the last couple of years since I returned from the east coast. She was an acquaintance of Hange’s, before the crazy freak dropped out of med school to be a band manager – why I’d never know – which was how I got introduced as a patient. But despite her relationship with Erwin’s girlfriend, she never said a thing to four-eyes, which I was hugely grateful for.

Therapy was not fun. It was a literal mind fuck. The doctors acted all calm and friendly, allowing me to talk and say things without fear, but really, what they were doing was fucking with my head. I hated having my life laid out, all my insecurities and fears out there for the world to see – even with doctor-patient confidentiality, I had no fucking clue what they did with the information or what they thought of me – but it was a necessary evil. Without it, I’d probably be some roadside junkie or dead by now. And the thought of being some coke addict or drunk, which was Kenny on a good day, made me cringe. I’d much rather deal with some shitty therapist than become like him. It hit too close to for comfort.

I had already lost track long ago of the number of doctors, counselors, psychologists, and so on, that I had seen. Some of them were into some positive psychology, hippie behavioral crap that made my skin crawl. Whereas others tried to drug me up, changing my meds every two months or so when there wasn’t any ‘visible improvement.’ I had even been put into group counseling sessions as a kid, but those were even less helpful. If I didn’t want to share the shitty details of my life to one person, I certainly did not want to share the shitty details to a group. At the very least Ilse was somewhere between those two extremes and had never asked me to go to group sessions.

“Nothing much.” Almost every day was the same. The only minor differences were really whether the band decided to go out for drinks after practice or something out of the blue like Eren. “…met some brat by the beach.” I tacked on reluctantly. By now, I had known her for so long that even if I hid anything out of the ordinary, it would eventually come out. It was just a matter of time.

“Is that so…”

Ilse seemed to be a genuinely nice individual, but scientifically minded enough to separate her personal feelings from work. The nonjudgmental tone was a relief in comparison to the subtle pity or worry I picked up from previous therapists. Many of my previous therapists said things such as ‘I hope you’re okay’ or ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ but she kept it much more impersonal. If I wanted someone’s concern, all I had to do was turn to the people closest to me, instead of paying hundreds for therapy. But best of all, while she was technically here to fix me, she really didn’t do it in a way that made me aware of needing to be _fixed._

Besides, at this point, I already knew I couldn’t be fixed. There was no going back or erasing the past. A whole in a wall could never be completely repaired. It could only be sealed up so the hole wasn’t as visible. But the fact still remained that there was a hole in the original wall. What she was doing was just that. Helping get me to a point where I wasn’t constantly questioning and cursing the ‘whys’ of my existence. “How did the two of you meet?”

“Thought he was going to jump into the ocean.”

“And you tried to stop him?”

“Yeah.”

“So I see.” She took some time scribbling something in that notebook of hers. It was one of things I noticed all my therapists doing. Taking mysterious notes on a page. It made me wonder what they did with all their ‘notes’ or if they were notes at all. Maybe they were opinionated sentences such as ‘he has problems’ or ‘I wish he would be more forthcoming’; the latter certainly had been a complaint of one of my previous therapists. But if they were notes, I certainly did not want any of it circulating or being read by Hange or Erwin. Doctor-patient confidentiality aside, there were things I had revealed in our sessions that I had never told a single soul. “What happened after that?”

“Got splashed by water. Ruined my phone. And some other shit.” I waved off the rest of the brief interaction I had with Eren. There was no need to mention the coffee or the fact I got him tickets.

“That is quite unfortunate.” The fact that she didn’t flinch or bat an eye when I swore was another reason I stuck around. One of the other guys I saw tried to break my habit of cussing, and so of course, I told him to go fuck himself and never went back.

“It’s fine.” I was still a little ticked off at the incident. It had ruined my three-hundred-dollar pair of runners. While I had purchased a replacement, they were nowhere as comfortable. It would take another couple of days of pounding the pavement to break them in.

“This so-called ‘brat’…” she paused for a second, her teal eyes staring openly at me but unshaded and without censure. “Do you know his name?”

“Eren.” I could have chosen to not divulge his name, but at this point I didn’t really care. After having seen so many specialists, all promising differing levels of success, I doubted whether it was effective on me anymore. It was more to appease the concerns of those around me.

“Is Eren okay as well? He wasn’t harmed was he?”

“He’s fine.” If anything, the brat was better than fine. Hearing Eren prattle along made me wonder where his inexhaustible supply of energy came from. The one saving grace was that the things he talked about were largely superficial and shallow. There was no way I was ever going to tell him about Isabel, Farlan, and my past.

“That’s good.” She hummed in approval. “Have you met him since then?”

“Saw him yesterday. Shitty brat dragged me to some coffee shop.”

“About what happened earlier?” she prompted.

“Kinda. He asked me to coffee.”

“And how did that go?”

“Not bad.” In spite of the little incident with my identity as part of The Regiment coming to light or the place smelled of roasted beans the entire time, it went much better than I originally anticipated. The kid had easily carried most of the conversation for the both of us, chattering on and on about inane topics such as his friends, the classes he took, or random things, all of which I couldn’t care less about, without even getting winded. Hange had the same annoying tendency to talk one’s ear off, but her nosiness and the fact she was dating Erwin made her dangerous. Dealing with a shitty brat was a piece of cake in comparison.

Granted, I’ve only known Eren for a week and our interactions totaled less than three hours, but being around him made me feel _almost_ normal. I didn’t need to worry about him knowing the shit in my past. Everyone else around me knew about the baggage I carried with me, but Eren didn’t. Or at least if he suspected anything, he didn’t let me know. The only things he knew about me was that I was in a band and that I did morning jogs that skirted part of the boardwalk. I knew more about him, most of which I hadn’t even bothered to inquire about, than he knew about me.

“Do you perhaps want to elaborate a bit more?”

“We got coffee and chatted.” It wasn’t much of an elaboration, but it was essentially what we had done.

If not for the few instances in which Eren paused and changed what he was about to say, I would have been pretty sure he had revealed his entire life story. But whatever it was that he refrained from mentioning or had mentioned were things I didn’t really care about. “He’s a shitty college brat living in an apartment near the beach which his dad bought for him.”

It still boggled my mind that the kid lived in such an expensive apartment by himself. While I certainly could afford such luxuries given how famous we had gotten as a band, it was something I would never have considered growing up. Even my adoptive parents, one of whom was a surgeon and the other was a nurse, hadn’t bought Erwin an apartment. They had helped with rent when I went to New York, but buying an apartment was another level of financial commitment. I’m sure they would have chipped in had I asked them, but the blatant disregard Eren had for spending his dad’s money was something I had never experienced before. Whatever lay between the brunet and his parents was his own thing, and something I had no desire to get involved with. It was tiring enough sloughing through my own issues; I didn’t have time to deal with another person.

“He talks a lot.” I added in the short lull, answering the unasked question how I knew so much about him. It wasn’t that I had openly sought such information out; those were things the brat had told me.

“So I see. Kind of like Hange?”

“Yeah.” I confirmed, knowing full-well what Ilse was intimating. “Except less nosy.”

“In my opinion, anyone would be less nosy than Hange.” She smiled lightly at me.

“No shit.” I grunted. I didn’t know the full details of their friendship, but I was sure that the brunette had certainly tried to get details out of my psychiatrist. Dealing with Hange took a special type of person, and to this day, I was amazed Erwin was still in a committed relationship with the crazy woman. Then again, given Erwin’s personality, he could probably ‘get along’ with anyone. Hange might have been openly inquisitive and crazy, but Erwin was the stealthy, strategic type in comparison. The two of them made a dangerous combination.

There was a shared moment of understanding over our mutual friend before the conversation got back on track.

The rest of the session went by pretty quickly, continuing without any hitches until there was a faint knock and the voice of her secretary bled through the wooden door. “Dr. Langner?”

“Yes?”

I didn’t bother turning to see the familiar dark-haired woman who called me regularly to remind me of an upcoming appointment. “Your two o’clock appointment is here.”

“Thank you, Therese.” Ilse turned back to me with a sphinx-like look. Inscrutable and impenetrable. I couldn’t tell whether she wanted to continue our session and ask me more questions or if she was glad it was over. “I’m sorry, but it seems we’re out of time.”

“It happens.”

It was rare that we had run out of time, but it wasn’t like I ever planned anything substantive afterwards. Most times it only took thirty to forty minutes, but I always penciled in an hour on my calendar. I _was_ paying for an hour after all.

“It was nice talking to you again, Levi. I’ll see you at the same time two weeks from now?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Plucking my jacket from the coat rack, I headed out the office, nodding to Therese as I made my way out the glass door.

Tucking my coat closed as a breeze gusted through, I began the short two-minute walk towards my car. The skies were grey for the time of year, but I didn’t mind the bleakness. I found it pleasant compared to the blinding yellow of the sun. Rain was another issue though as it made everything disgusting and wet. After years of living on the west coast, I was still surprised at how humid it was. When it was hot, I’d often find my skin covered in a film of sweat. But when it was cold, it was similarly unpleasant and made all my clothes damp.

Strangely enough, I wasn’t feeling as out of it as I usually did after a therapy session. Normally a session made me feel hollow and exhausted, but I was oddly refreshed in comparison to before. Perhaps it truly was working, I thought to myself. Or maybe it was just a fluke since I hadn’t encountered any pain in my asses lately. Hange and Erwin to spend a couple of days elsewhere and I was left to my own devices.

“Hey, Levi.”

I turned automatically at the sound of my name, not registering the speaker until it was too late. The moment my eyes landed upon the owner of the voice, I felt my forehead became to crease as I frowned at the familiar green-eyed brat grinning and waving at me. I must have cursed myself when I thought everything was going well. Fate was playing another shitty joke on me by throwing the brat in front of me whenever I least expected or wanted it.

“Eren.” I responded automatically as walked the remaining couple of steps to stand in front of me. It was the least I could do given how I had already acknowledged his presence by looking at me. “Are you stalking me or something, kid?”

“What? No!” He was taken aback at my accusation. “I should be the one asking you that. You sure you’re not following me, Lee?” I cringed at his overly familiar tone of speaking. There were a few people who called me ‘Lee,’ but I had never given Eren permission to call me as such. We might have met twice briefly, but that was no occasion to assume a friendship that did not exist. At best, he was a distant acquaintance. “It’s my first time seeing you around these parts.”

“Tch,” I clicked my tongue. For once, leaving at the appropriate time for therapy had worked against me. Had I left fifteen minutes earlier as usual, I wouldn’t have to face the persistent brunet. Annoyingly enough, if the shitty brat hadn’t come up in conversation, I would have been spared the trouble of seeing him.

“What’re you doing here?”

“Therapy.” I saw the glimmer of disbelief flit over his expression. What else should I have said? As appropriate as saying ‘fuck off’ would have been, I didn’t have the energy to care anymore. Talking to Ilse was draining. Mostly it caused me to voice out, whether internally or externally, things bugging my psyche. The brat’s opinion was the least of my worries. In fact, it would be a relief if he suddenly treated me as if I had HIV and left me there. I was deprived of tea and needed to be alone.

“Ouch, that sucks.”

I readied myself upon hearing his reaction, preparing for the inevitable sympathetic nothings people spewed daily. His next words, however, were utterly different and refreshing from what I had heard before.

“I was always getting into fights when I was in school, especially after my parents divorced, so I had to go see some psychologist for a couple of years when I was younger. Not sure if it helped, but I don’t really get into that many fights now. Just the odd one with Jean or something. I still don’t get what Marco sees in him…”

“Huh.” I had no clue who ‘Jean’ was, and I certainly did not care.

“Yeah, and then there was the time my dad tried to get me to go see a therapist because he caught me kissing my boyfriend.” My eyebrows shot up at his words. Eren seemed to notice and backpedaled a bit. “Sorry, forgot to mention before, but I’m bi. Hope that doesn’t bother you.”

“Why should it?” I couldn’t care less if he was into men or women. That was his business. If he was some child pedophile or serial killer, that was another story.

“Just making sure.” He shrugged cheerily. “So anyways, got into a huge fight with my dad about dating a guy. Ended up sponging at my mom’s place and she refused to sign the papers to get me to see a shrink. Thank god. It’s not like being bisexual is a disease or anything. I don’t need to be _cured_ ,” he stressed the word, seeming lost in thought. “It took him a while to get over it, and we still don’t really talk much these days.”

“I see.” I hummed. Eren was much too forthright. It amazed me how frank the kid was with his life’s story. Hange was also forthright, but in a different way. She had no concept of personal space or privacy and often over-shared. But the way Eren had brought his past carried a hint of self-deprecation, and yet it was nonchalant at the same time.

“Oh, and thanks for the tickets. I’ve been listening to your stuff. And man, I’m surprised I haven’t heard of you guys before. The stuff you guys come up with is fantastic.” The brunet gushed. I had heard fans scream similar lines before, but it was interesting hearing it from someone who knew me prior to learning of my occupation, but was distant enough of an acquaintance to be emotionally detached when assessing the pieces. “Especially that one song with the piano solo and stuff. I really like that one. Can’t wait to see it live. Hope you guys are performing it.”

“ _My Regret_ or _Slaying Titans_?” I queried, recognizing the pieces he mentioned almost immediately. There were only two that featured a piano solo, played by yours truly, and both were some of the first pieces I wrote. My Regret was a reflective and aptly named piece about my past regrets, while the latter was based on facing the demons of my past and the so-called titans which barred me from finding peace in life.

“The second actually. I mean, _My Regret_ was great, but kinda depressing.” I mentally shrugged at his comment. The song was never meant to be joyous. It was directly based off the darkest period of my life, and rang of unsaid words sealed inside me, which continued to haunt my present. While all my songs were pretty much inspired by those events, they were nowhere as dark or depressing. _Slaying Titans_ , on the other hand, was based off the fallout and not the events themselves. And while it was similarly negative in tone, given the anger issues Eren had just mentioned, it wasn’t surprising he preferred it more. “I mean its dark and shit, but after all that’s happened with my parents and stuff, I _get_ it.”

“Huh.”

Interestingly, although his comments smacked of youthful naiveté, the honesty and emotion with which he responded resonated with me. We – Petra, Gunther, and the rest of the band – all had issues and music was how we coped with them, but it was rare for us to actually come out and talk about them. The most we did was express it in our songs. Hell, it was _why_ we chose to deal in music. But aside from speculation and whispers, we never discussed the skeletons in the closet. The most we did was a few words of sympathy when someone looked particularly distressed, but we knew better than to drill into each other’s pasts.

“So which one’s your favorite?”

“Don’t have one.”

“Really? You have to have a favorite! I get it’s hard to pick, but they can’t be all favorites.”

“They’re not.” Having a favorite would mean actually enjoying the music. And that certainly wasn’t the case. If Eren didn’t understand what those songs meant to me, I wasn’t about to explain their importance to him. Each reflected a different part of my life, and each melody was a story in and of itself. Of course the pieces which I collaborated on were less an echo of my experiences than of the others in the band, but interpreting the songs without understanding the stories was impossible for me. I didn’t like or hate them, they were simply a part of me that I would never be free from.

“Well… I really like them. Can I ask how you come up with your songs then?”

“You can.”

“Then how?”

“I said you could ask, not that I’d tell you.” I hid a scoff at the dismayed expression on his face.

“But–?”

“Anyways, I need to go.” I quickly cut off his inquiry. Whatever pleasant mood I had earlier was gone from his inquiry into how my music was born. The conversation had taken a dangerous turn, and I had no interest in going down that dark rabbit hole more than necessary.

“Umm, ok.” He seemed to catch onto my unwillingness to converse, smiling wryly as he nodded. “Sorry for keeping you. I’ll see you at the live?”

“Yeah, later.”

I didn’t bother waving back, continuing on my way towards my car.

On my drive home I called Ilse’s office to move my weekly appointments an hour earlier. While the conversation with Eren was only ten minutes long, give or take, it was ten minutes of my life I didn’t need to waste. And I didn’t need to waste ten more minutes in the future either.


	5. Chapter 5

“You guys are on in twenty minutes!”

“Got it!” Eld yelled back at the stagehand.

“Hey Lee, you ready for this?”

“Yeah,” I grunted at Gunther, busy adjusting the cuffs on my shirt. The rest of them were doing some last minute sound checks – it never hurt to be too prepared – before going on stage. I didn’t really have that much to check having already done quality checks on the piano multiple times earlier today and this week. We were performing in some stadium this time, and they had been kind enough to give us time throughout the week to check sound and adjust for the wide open space.

“Heard you asked for some tickets, man. I didn’t think you knew anyone around these parts who was interested in us.” He mentioned casually, prompting the other three members to swivel their heads around and stare at me interestedly.

“Who told you?” I frowned.

“Hange.”

“I swear I’m going to kill her…” I muttered under my breath. While I had never explicitly told Erwin to not tell Hange, I hadn’t expected her to go all out and mention it to the rest of the band. It wasn’t even anything particularly exciting. The rest of them occasionally invited friends or acquaintances, and I was simply doing the same. Hell, there was one time when Hange had given out a dozen or so tickets to her friends and friends of friends when we were on tour. _That_ had been annoying. While her friends weren’t as fucking crazy as she was, they were energetic and buzzed on alcohol throughout the night.

“So who is this mysterious person?” Petra chimed in, her blue eyes sparkling in curiosity. “Are you going to introduce them to us?”

“Yeah, do we know them?” Oluo pointlessly added.

“Fuck off. Do I ask you guys about your friends?” I growled in irritation. I should never have bothered getting Eren those tickets. It would have saved me a lot of pain. For some reason, every well-intentioned deed went awry when the brat was concerned.

“No.”

“But that doesn’t mean we’re not interested in meeting him.” Petra added sweetly. Behind that gaze, I knew was something more calculating. She wasn’t always like that from what I had heard. I didn’t know the circumstances behind her change, but apparently it involved some kind of college party gone wrong. “It’s the first time you’ve ever mentioned a friend, Levi.”

“I never said he was a friend.” And he certainly wasn’t. The people here were arguably my friends, but Eren was just a nosy brat who seemed determined to end up in my life one way or another.

“Then how do you know him?”

I really wish I didn’t know him. I had only bumped into him a total of three times, all three of which were coincidences. But judging from the streak of bad luck I had been having, something told me I would be seeing more of him around now. We had probably walked past each other on the streets before, and I had been spared because he hadn’t known who I was yet.

Thankfully I was rescued from answering by the announcement that we needed to make our way to the stage. “You guys are up next!”

“Let’s go.” I grunted, putting an end to the conversation as I stood up and strode towards the door. As I passed Petra, I saw a smile on her tinted lips that told me it wasn’t over just yet.

Ignoring what had just transpired in the waiting room, I walked down the hallway to the brightly lit stage. Had it not been for the shades around my eyes, I would have been blinded immediately by the intensity of white in front of me. It was weird wearing sunglasses at night, but I’d much rather look like a freak than get blinded by the lights. The damn stage lights were like some 1000-volt sun glaring straight into my eyes. Even the sunglasses didn’t fully help cut the painful brightness.

Hearing the cue for our introduction, there was a clamorous roar from the audience as I strode onstage, making my way to the keyboard. I could barely hear anything as the excited screams blared into my ears. Leaving Petra and the others deal with it, I walked to my instrument, mentally preparing myself.

While I preferred a real piano made from ivory and wood, they were difficult to use during actual performances. The plastic keys weren’t substantial enough and felt flimsy, but the electronic keyboards were more versatile and allowed us to switch from aggressive songs to more depressing ones with ease. Plus, the real ones were a pain in the ass to reposition and tune.

“You guys ready?!” Petra called out to the fans and their reply came swiftly. Incoherent screams rang out through the air, excitement buzzing through the stadium. “Let’s kick it off with one of our classics! _Without You_!”

Exchanging a glance with Eld, I nodded as he tapped his sticks together counting us down to the start. Two stanzas in, I began, starting at the low end of the board and beginning the main tune. The notes came easily as I followed the rhythm Eld set on the drums.

Every time I fight you my heart bleeds once again,  
Tell myself it’s not too late  
There’s still hope to change, still dreams to live.  
The shadows of dusk fade  
I open my eyes and see your face, my one and only.

Never thought you’d be gone  
Never saw that smile fade  
Never felt like this before  
Empty, hollow, without you.

This wasn’t one of my songs – it was Petra’s – but it was equally as powerful as the rest of them. I knew it was inspired by something personal before we met, which only added to the haunting, depressing quality in her voice. I didn’t know her back-story, but I knew enough to know that she had been hurt immensely.

It was part of why the five of us worked well together, we were kindred spirits sharing enough of one another’s pain without ever saying what we felt. The music harmonized amongst us, enabling its expression to the world. By ourselves, we would be seen as depressed, suicidal freaks. But onstage, we were something different. The melodies flowing within each of us had a venue to come out and escape without being judged. We could scream, yell, and bang on the keys, and it would be fine.

You told me once to not forget, that’d you’d be there  
Oh, how we used to be  
Heaven in your every word, your every touch  
My anchor in this sea  
Holding me tightly in your embrace, never letting go

Never thought you’d leave my side  
Never heard your laughter die  
_Never wanted you to leave_  
Empty, hollow, withering here.

In many ways, this song reflected how I felt. I never imagined not having Izzy and Farlan by my side, but they were gone. They would never come back. And all that remained was an empty husk. I had been dead inside for more years than I could count, with no end in sight.

I told myself I would not care,  
Watching your shadow fade to air.  
You used to smile and hold me tight,  
Sunset glows but you’re not here  
Without you the world’s not bright  
This everlasting darkness is not right

This wasn’t our typical first choice – typically, we wanted to rouse the crowd and get them pumped – but whatever Petra was more comfortable with was fine with me. In any case, it seemed to be working. Screams echoed in the stadium as Gunther riffing out another power chord and Oluo began his bass solo.

Wake up each morning and see you’re gone  
Only a memory now  
Day by day, the despair comes, the tears flow,  
This distance between us grows  
You’re past my grasp now, faded into mist

I told myself I would not care,  
That this ache inside I could bear.  
You used to smile and hold me tight  
The snow falls and you’re not here.  
Without you the world’s not bright  
This eternal darkness without you in sight...

As Petra’s voice faded, the cheers went wild, drowning out the final notes I played. I felt myself growing warm from exertion and also from the warm stage lights shining down on us. The shrieks and lengthy applause was deafening as usual, but I paid it no heed. As long as we were true to ourselves and the music, everything would work out. We all had issues we struggled with, but on stage we were The Regiment, unfettered by the weight of life, and the chains holding us back.

It took several minutes for the crowd to settle down and for us to begin playing once more. I barely kept track of how long we played, merely following Petra’s lead and the music. Performing live was nothing like practicing or playing by oneself. We poured ourselves into it, deliberately pulling from the deepest pools within us to bring the melodies alive.

Two hours later, screams for an encore bounced across the stage as we bowed offstage, utterly drained and exhausted. We had introduced not one, but three new songs tonight as an apology to our dedicated fans for the hiatus and uncertainty over Eld’s recovery. He had undergone stomach surgery earlier this year for an ulcer that appeared out of the blue. We were all pretty worried for his health and Hange had arranged for a half-year break from performing over part of the spring and summer to let him recover. Gunther shot me a glance, as if asking whether I was up for another performance, but I wasn’t. In the past, we had usually played an extra song or two afterwards, but I didn’t think any of us were down for more playing.

I certainly wasn’t. This was our first time doing a live for quite some time and I was worn out from the ordeal. Sure, I could jog for an hour or two without breaking a sweat, but it was a combination of everything: a lack of sleep, dealing with shitheads, and a lack of good tea. I wasn’t one of those types who thrived in energetic environments like Hange. Quite the opposite; they only drained me quicker than usual. I was emotionally drained, and out of touch with the level of physical exertion and mental fortitude during a performance.

Ignoring the cheering fans and my own band mates, I headed back to the waiting room for water, a shower, and a change of clothes. It was a godsend that the venue had showers. We had performed at other venues which didn’t and I always felt disgusting for hours afterwards.

I took my time washing off the makeup and sweat. After having played my heart out, the hot water brought some of the feeling back into my body. Performing live was both cathartic and stressful. While I managed to play out the anguish and pain I experienced, achieving a successful performance also required me to renegotiate and navigate through the dark recesses of my past.

A frisson of unease shot down my spine as I left the shower. It was my instinct telling me that something was off. Tugging on more comfortable clothes, I told myself it was just because I was feeling _off_ after performing for an extended duration. It was merely fatigue and a lack of desire to socialize with the band.

I could hear the muffled sounds of conversation as I neared the waiting room. Thinking nothing of it, I pulled the door open.

“For sure, Lee–” My band mate swiveled and caught sight of me as I shut the door behind me. “Hey Levi! We were just talking about you.” I frowned at the sound of _we_ , eyes surveying the room and landing on a brown-haired brat that wasn’t supposed to be there. I should have gone straight home the moment I felt something amiss, but now I was trapped and had to deal with the shitty brat who had made himself at home with my team.

“Tch,” I mumbled under my breath.

“How was the shower?”

“Alright.”

It still disgusted me that my band mates didn’t immediately shower after a performance, but as long as they stayed their distance from me, that was okay. For the most part, their standards of hygiene were acceptable, but there were a few times, when I had had to excuse myself because one of them had forgotten to bathe in two or three days.

I headed straight for my stuff, altogether ignoring the brat in the room. Compared to the rest of them, I didn’t have much stuff to pack up. It was one of the few benefits of playing the keyboard. Unlike Gunther or Oluo, I didn’t have to carry my instrument around. Eld had several pairs of drum sticks and mallets that he never performed without. And Petra always carried extra makeup and outfits with her, changing during the intermissions.

“Hey Levi! Welcome back. I was telling your friends this already, but that was awesome!” Tossing my dirty clothes into a bag, I tied it shut without saying a word. As gratifying as it was to be praised after a live, I really hadn’t wanted to deal with Eren tonight. “I didn’t know you could play like that! It’s way better than the CDs!”

“Tch, whatever. Why are you even here, brat?”

“I was looking for you and kinda got lost.” The expression on my face darkened further at the thought of Eren searching for me. Why he thought it was necessary to find me was beyond me. He had already caused enough friction in the last two weeks of my existence.

“We found Eren wandering the halls searching for you and brought him here.” Eld patted the kid on the back heartily.

“Tch, when did we start taking in strays?” As a band, we generally upheld a policy never to agree to have listeners, outside of those we already knew, come backstage. While some fans were notably bummed out, it made out lives much less stressful. We didn’t ban everyone though. A few of them had brought their friends by briefly in the past, but never any random strangers. While I might have had coffee with the brat, Eren was still arguably as foreign to me as a random person on the street.

“Well, he was asking for you by name, and mentioned you got him tickets.” Gunther replied next to me, also beginning the process of packing up. “That true?”

“What about it?” There was no way to avoid the truth. Erwin and Hange already had Eren’s name and home address. There was no doubt that one of them, if not both, had already searched the brat up. I especially dreaded the next interaction I would have with either of them. They hadn’t met Eren yet, but it was only a matter of time given how frequently the shitty brat kept popping up.

“Didn’t know he was your type, dude.” Oluo added with a sneer.

“Go fuck yourself, Oluo.”

As if it wasn’t enough, Eren already showed an inordinate interest in me; there certainly was no need for him to know that I was gay. My band mates certainly knew I slept with guys, having had the occasional one-night stand while on tour, but I had not expected to be outed to the brat. None of them knew the exact reason for my sexuality, but talking about types hit too close to home. While I had no conventional type, fucking a woman reminded too much of what happened to Izzy. I tried once or twice back in the day, but the only thing I could see was Isabel screaming for help whenever it happened.

“C’mon Lee, we’re just having some fun.” Eld joined in, resting his sweaty arm against my shoulder and propping himself up. “He’s the first guy you’ve ever brought.”

“Get off me, shithead.” Twisting my torso, I shrugged his arm off. I was vastly below average in the height department, but what he was doing was just rubbing it in. Eld knew that and often had fun at my expense. Stupid fucker. I wrenched myself away from his shitty embrace and straightened my hair.

“And I didn’t _bring_ him.” I stressed. The shitty brat came here on his own.

“Touchy much, Lee?”

“Fuck off.” I grumbled at the stupid meathead, acutely aware of being scrutinized by a pair of green eyes. On stage, thousands of pairs of eyes were on us, but it was utterly different than in such a small room. Up there, I had no clue who was out in the crowd, but in here, I could see those piercing emerald orbs look straight at me.

“Hey, you guys still up for going to the bar after this?” Gunther stepped in, adjusting his precious guitar on his back.

“Hell yeah.” Eld finally loosened his grip around my shoulders, moving towards his jacket and bag. “First rounds on me.”

“Thanks, Eld.” Petra smiled, before turning back to Eren who was awkwardly standing there. “Do you want to join us, sweetie?”

I scowled at Petra’s words, knowing full why she wanted him there. We might have kept our pasts largely to ourselves, but the same didn’t hold true for the present. Sure, we weren’t the most social of creatures – most of our time was spent discussing music or songs – but they, mostly Hange and Petra though the rest were also guilty, often expressed interest in my private life. _Too_ much, if her expression was anything to go by. Petra had donned her sweet and caring expression, as a saccharine smile that would disarm even the most suspicious of men graced her face. And Eren had fallen for it.

“Where are you guys going?”

“To celebrate. We usually hit it up at _Maria’s_ after a show.”

 _Maria’s_ was a local place which had decent, not obnoxiously loud, music. It was still a little crowded for my tastes, but it was also one of the few places which didn’t have shitty drinks, afforded a decent amount of privacy, and was passably clean. The people at the place were friends of Erwin’s and always kept a table in the back corner whenever we asked.

“Sure. I’d love to come!” The brunet beamed.

“Fuck, are you even old enough to drink, brat?” As if the brat hadn’t already been annoying enough. Even though Eren lived in ‘daddy’s’ apartment, I hadn’t seriously believed that he was old enough to drink. I knew the kid was in college and given that he had just moved here, assumed he was only a freshman.

“Yeah, I’m twenty-two.”

“C’mon, Lee. You got him tickets and now you’re denying him the chance at the full band experience?” Gunther goaded. “Even if Levi doesn’t want you to come, we do.” He added, smiling invitingly at the brat.

“Fan-fucking-tastic.” I swore, pissed off that the shitty brat was coming. I didn’t need him hanging around longer than needed. My body was alternating between the high from performing and an emptiness from it. I had been hoping to pick up some guy afterwards and work off the ice creeping in.

No one else seemed to catch my comment; they were all busy trying to wiggle information from Eren as we walked down the hall.


	6. Chapter 6

Nursing my drink, I listened half-heartedly to the conversation while surveying the people milling around the floor. _Maria’s_ was dimly lit, the entire bar cast in a glow of reddish orange, with small pockets of privacy in the corner and back. An occasional raucous cheer could be heard from those surrounded around the bar and watching the sporting event. The rest of the customers either sitting around tables or booths, like we were, or on the small dance floor off to the side. They had live music every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evening, which was loads better than the blaring sounds other bars had. When we first started out, we had performed live for them a couple of times, and continued to do so on occasion. We received free drinks in exchange.

“Say, Eren, of the songs you heard, which one did you like the most?”

“Wow. That’s a hard choice.” He chuckled. “They were all really good. Hmm… maybe the one right before the break? I can’t remember what it was called.” I snorted at Eren’s reaction, as he blushed sheepishly at his faulty memory. Predictably, the brat was fitting in easily with my band. More than I was at the moment, and more than I ever had in some ways.

“ _Behind Those Walls_! Damn, you have good taste.” Gunther began humming the main chorus. As if we needed the reminder to know what it sounded like.

Petra took Gunther’s cue and opened her mouth to sing quietly. “ _I’m right beside you, but you can’t see me. Can’t you see me, behind those walls?_ ”

None of us were particularly interested in drawing attention after doing a live. Sometimes someone would recognize us and ask for an autograph from the whole band, but we were here to relax, not to put on another performance.

“Yeah! That one.”

“Nice. It’s one of my favs too.”

“My favorite part was the guitar solo. That was totally badass!”

“Thanks. It took me a couple of tries to get the riffs right.” Gunther grinned appreciatively.

“The piano doing the durdurdurdurdur,” his pitch fell as he made the sound, imitating the descending keys, “thing was pretty awesome too! How’d you do that, Levi?” Eren asked excitedly as he turned to me. “I had no idea you could play like that! It was really sweet.”

“Tch.” I snorted softly at Eren’s flattery, completely unaffected by his attempts to inveigle me. Hell, the kid didn’t even know what a glissando was.

“Or not, I guess…” he trailed off when no answer was forthcoming.

“It’s okay, Eren. Levi’s like that. Keeps to himself most of the time.”

I rolled my eyes at Petra’s disappointed tone. Was there some unspoken rule I had violated by keeping my life private? I didn’t ask them to spill their shit, so the least they could do was keep their noses out of mine.

“I kinda of figured.” I had to give kudos to the kid for noticing. He’d have to be blind not to.

The conversation lapsed into a small silence, filled in only by the clatter of glasses hitting the tabletop, whispers of other conversation, and the sound of music and the television all blended together. I generally abhorred such an environment, but the chaos was welcome. It helped drown out all the unwelcome thoughts in my own skull.

Eren had an easygoing attitude, forever optimistic, and chatty. He was the exact opposite of me, so it came as no surprise Petra, Eld, Gunther, and even Oluo, naturally gravitated towards him. We got along as a band, occasionally hanging out and going for food or drinks, but I didn’t indulge in useless banter with them often. I was here for something different.

No one had caught my sight yet, but I also hadn’t really tried looking. It was a little busier than most nights, but that was to be expected on a Friday evening. A good number of people were locals and _Maria’s_ was far enough from any of the campuses so it rarely got flooded with the shitty college crowd.

The itch wasn’t as large as I had anticipated, but I knew enough that it would also remain if I didn’t get a partner for the night. After performing, not only was I pumped full of adrenaline and shit, but watching those around me laugh and smile always made me feel hollow and incomplete. I didn’t know how it started, but the combination of loneliness and hormones formed an annoying need to feel _anything_ else. It was a need I often drowned out with sex. A one-night stand never fixed anything in the long run, but it helped get rid of the edge and helped me return to my normal empty state of mind.

“Anyways…” Gunther was the first to break the pregnant pause. “You think we’ll hit top ten with our latest songs?”

It was obvious to us that among the three new releases, there was really only two in the running. I had composed and come up with the music for _Rise Against_ , and worked with Petra on _Dark Skies_. The third song, _Killing Squad_ , was a group collaboration, and while it was good, I didn’t think it was stellar. It was difficult to compare _Rise Against_ and _Dark Skies_ , though. The former was powerful and thrummed with energy, while the latter was more soul-wrenching and filled with angst.

“Seriously? Against those other top hits? Hell no.” I hummed in agreement with Eld’s response.

The drummer was the most reasonable among the rest of my band mates, in part because he was a single father. Petra might have been the most recognizable amongst us, but Eld was very good at making sure everything was operating on schedule and leading us. In contrast, Gunther was much more open and gregarious, and Oluo was the funny man in the group. It had been amusing watching him trying to cozy up to Petra when we first banded together. More often than not, he would stumble and bite his tongue mid-speech. It had cooled now that they were together, but there was still the occasional moment when his actions caused Petra to slap him or turn away. As for me… I was the loner who wrote most of the music, and largely responsible for shaping the band’s direction as a consequence.

“Top twenty-five?”

“Nah.”

“Top fifty in the States?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh, come on.” Gunther goaded. “Twenty bucks says we’ll at least make top twenty-five at home.” My eyes narrowed as he pulled out his wallet and threw a crisp greenback on the table. For some reason they liked to bet on stupid things and I was always dragged into them.

“Fine. You’re on.” Eld rapidly downed his drink and pulled another twenty out. “Fifty in the US.”

“Petra? Oluo?”

“Sure. I bet we reach top hundred globally.” Petra slid two tens on the table.

“Top hundred, but in the States only.” Oluo copied her action, fishing out a few bills, summing them to twenty, and tossed it on top of the growing pile of green.

“Damn, you guys are pessimistic.” Gunther shook his head in mock sorrow. “Don’t you have more faith in us?”

“Yeah, but top twenty-five is pretty hard, man.”

“Fair enough. What about you, Levi?” The giant blonde turned to me with an expectant smile.

“Tch, I’m not betting.” I scowled at the ludicrousness of the situation. Last year, we had all been surprised when Broken, one of our new songs, had come within striking distance of top. To commemorate the achievement, we had released a new cover album and music video. And ever since then, the possibility of one of our new compositions making the cut had been at the forefront of their minds.

“That’s no fun.”

I rolled my eyes at his definition of fun.

“Whatever.” I didn’t give a shit what rank our songs got on the billboards. They could flop for all I cared. Top ten was the same as being in the bottom ten. I didn’t make or play music for fame; I played because it was the only thing I could do. The only ointment to soothe my bleeding soul. I didn’t want to drag down the others in my team – the music industry was all about connections, luck, and getting noticed –  but reaching the top would only change how well-known we were. It would rob us of anonymity on the streets we mostly had these days and make life even more of a living hell. In fact, it would be better for me if thing stayed the way they were; we weren’t swarmed by fans – at least I wasn’t – and I made decent money doing one of the few things that I could manage to without thinking of killing myself or others.

“What about you, Eren? You wanna bet where our new songs will rank?”

“Sure!” He seemed concentrated in thought before pulling out another twenty. “Umm… I bet you guys will make top fifty!”

 _Great._ I downed my beer and waving the waitress to order another one. As if the brat couldn’t get even _more_ involved with me and my band. When I had gotten him the tickets, I had done it as a favor to repay him for the whole getting drenched situation, not to have him as a fucking permanent fixture in my life.

My only saving grace was that Hange wasn’t here. She had plans with Erwin and our folks after the concert. I would rather jump off a plane than deal with Hange and Petra at the same time. The two of them loved conspiring and coming up with shitty bets or other just as ridiculous things to torment me. And with Eren here, there would be no end to the list of things they would come up with. Asking how we met would only be the first thing on her list. She had already grilled me about the tickets last weekend, but I was used to her craziness and kept quiet. Eren, however, would likely cave and divulge everything that had ever happened between us. The mere thought made me want to stab something.

“That’s the spirit, Eren!” My colleagues hooted, patting the brat on the back. “Let’s get you another drink.” Gunther beckoned for one of the drifting waiters and rattled off a drink I couldn’t hear.

“Yeah, you should hang out with us more than Levi. He’s too grouchy for you.”

“Haha. Well I’ve only met him uhh… this would be the third time?” He looked at me and I shrugged. It wouldn’t matter if we had met zero times, five times, or a hundred times. Eren’s presence was an unwanted anomaly that I didn’t seem to have any control over. Every time I expected him to take route A, he’d end up taking route B. “No wait, fourth! We bumped into each other that one time in the middle of town.”

“Wow. Four times and he got you tickets to our show?” Petra inquired.

“Well yeah… is that unusual?” Inquisitive green eyes, reminiscent of a rainforest filled with different jeweled tones, turned to stare at me.

“Definitely!” Petra replied before I could. “You’re actually the first person–”

“That you know of.” I muttered under my breath.

“Oh, c’mon, Lee. In the five years we’ve been together, who else has there been?” I frowned at Eld’s comment. He wasn’t wrong. The request for Eren’s tickets was the first I had ever made on anyone’s behalf.

It wasn’t like I had friends or family to invite. Erwin already got them through Hange and our parents wouldn’t be the type to come to these things. And there was no way I was going to invite my fucking therapists to these things. Outside of my music and therapy, Eren was likely the only one person in the whole city I could identify by name. Everyone else was just a face on the streets, one body out of hundreds of millions on the planet. Sometimes I would bump into someone on the street who seemed vaguely familiar, but it wasn’t as though I knew them or they knew me. It kept life simple, organized, and clean.

“So how’d you guys become friends?” I narrowed my eyes at Oluo’s question. It was one I had been anticipating the entire night, and when Eren showed up, all hopes of it not surfacing was dashed. All five pairs of eyes were fixed on me and what I was going to say next.

“Tch, I’m not his friend.” I muttered, taking another swig of beer. “He’s just some shitty brat I bumped into.” That was all it was and all it ever was going to be. I had fulfilled my debt to him.

“You’re not the type to get a stranger tickets, though.” Petra gently interceded.

“So?” What was the big deal about getting the shitty brat some tickets?

“Nothing.” The secretive smile dancing on the corner of her lips made me suspicious. She was planning something and I had no clue what it was, but it wasn’t going to be something I liked.

“So, Eren, are you seeing anyone?” Petra’s asked Eren with a sickly sweet tone.

“Nah. I broke up with my ex about three months ago. I mean he looked okay and was really nice at times, but he was kind of a dick.”

“Aww, that sucks. Were you guys together long?”

“A few months. We met through a couple of friends.” Eren shrugged. “I still bump into him from time to time, but whatever. It’s better without him.” He must have have seen the questioning expression on our faces and continued. “Thomas would do stupid things like host parties at my place without asking me or go to a party without inviting me cause it ‘wasn’t my scene,’” Eren made air quotes around the phrase. “And then tell me about how much fun it was or how some girl hit on him.”

“What a douche! I’m glad you guys broke up.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So are you looking for anyone?”

“Depends. I mean it’d be nice to have a boy or girlfriend, but I haven’t really been looking. Why?” He looked at her with genuine curiosity, not seeing the cunning that I saw.

“Hmm… why don’t you ask Levi?” The petite redhead turned towards me. “If you haven’t picked someone out, Levi, why don’t you ask Eren tonight?”

“Hell no.” I growled.

Unfortunately, now that Petra had put the thought in my mind, I couldn’t help admiring the way his eyes seemed to reflect a multitude of greens, his skin was unblemished, and his body was definitely my type. But that didn’t quell my irritation with the brat. Eren had already caused me enough shit in the last two weeks. I had no desire to embroil myself with even more trouble.

“Ask me what?” The brat turned to me curiously.

“Nothing.” I replied immediately, hoping to cut the line of inquiry off.

Unfortunately, it did nothing to dull Petra’s attempt to get me to sleep with him though as she glibly replied, “After a show, Levi usually hooks up with someone at random.”

“Really?”

“Yup. We’ve only ever seen him with guys though. And never the same one…” she trailed off suggestively.

“Is this true, Levi?”

“Fuck off.” Scowling at my traitorous team, I stood up, looking for an excuse to clear my head a little from the slight buzz. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Petra made a comment about me running away as I left, but it was drowned out by the rest of the noise. I wasn’t running away, I was merely going to the bathroom. It was only natural after several beers. Even if I had remained, I wouldn’t have answered Eren’s question. There was no way I was going to answer the brat’s question. I had no reason to explain my behavior to a shitty brat who wasn’t even supposed to be here.

Quickly relieving myself, I soaped and washed my hands in the sink, staring at my sleep deprived reflection in the sink. I looked tired, haggard, like always. Without makeup caked on my skin, I looked like the walking definition of a living corpse with dark rings around my eyes and pale skin. Why anyone found my appearance attractive was beyond me, but finding a partner for the night had never been too difficult.

Exiting the bathroom, I made a cursory sweep of the entire bar, slowly making my way through the tables and moving bodies to return to the table. When I got back, however, only Eren was at the table. The rest of them were nowhere to be found.

“Oi, brat, where’d the rest of them go?”

“Petra and Oluo are somewhere on the dance floor.” I turned my head at the massive throng of moving bodies swaying to some song that was only vaguely familiar to me. “Eld said he needed to get home to his daughter. And Gunther is somewhere.” Eren gestured, waving vaguely at the rest of the bar.

“Huh.” Scanning the vicinity, I could see a familiar tall blond not-so-discreetly spying on the little corner that our table was.

Fucking traitors. They really wanted me to get together with the brat. Knowing Oluo and Gunther, the former was just being dragged along by Petra, while the latter probably just wanted to see what would happen.

“So is it true?”

“Is what true?” I lifted my head to where I was glowering at Gunther to look at Eren. The brunet had sounded a little nervous.

“That you’re gay and… umm… you have this rule about having one-night stands after a live?

“Yeah, what about it?” It wasn’t a rule or anything. It was more a physical urge that made me feel a little less dead.

His eyes widened for a fraction before those cheeks darkened a fraction.

 _He couldn’t be interested in me…? Could he?_ Strangely, of all the things I could remember about Eren, I was able to remember that he was bi. Petra had only confirmed it earlier. “Why? Am I your type or something?”

“Y-yes.”

“There’s no need to flatter me, brat.” I grimaced.

In my line of work, there were always one or two sycophants who tried to get me into their bed. Whether it was for the fame and nook on their bedpost, or because they mistakenly believed themselves in love with me, I didn’t know or care. I Gunther had taken advantage of it back in the day, but I had never slept with anyone who knew me. It was too much of a hassle getting myself involved with those types. They would drop by our workplace unannounced and pretend to be something more than a one-night stand.

“I’m not. You’re seriously hot, Levi. And the fact you’re in a band only makes you hotter.” Eren’s hand brushed over my thigh, ghosting over my knee and squeezed. “I actually jerked off to the thought of bending you over on my bed after you left my condo that first day.” Hot breath feathered against my ear as he leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. “I couldn’t help it. You looked adorable lying on the beach beneath me, all soaking wet and angry.”

“So you’ve been fucking stalking me since then?” It must have been the adrenaline from performing and the alcohol ruining my thought, but I couldn’t help the small blush on my face as the heat from his hand sank into my skin at the crude description Eren gave.

“Well, no. I seriously wanted to pay you back. And bumping you on the street that time was a complete coincidence. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know you better.”

“Tch, why should I let you fuck me?”

“Why not?” He breathed. The words ghosted over my face, sparking desire.

I found my eyes meeting Eren’s green orbs as he leaned forward, finding myself being sucked into their infinite depths. Instead of being reminded of Isabel as I had been in the past, all I could see was layers of indescribable green. Even in the shadows, I could make out the vibrant green like the color of emeralds. Like the color in all plants. Full of life.

Before I could come up with an appropriate retort, he took advantage of my distraction and pressed his mouth against mine. I could taste the bitterness of hops against his lips as his tongue licked at mine. His lips were warm, no doubt from the alcohol and all the talking, but they weren’t chapped as I would have expected. My senses were inundated by the cologne he wore, a spicy and citrusy combination of peppercorn, sandalwood, and a hint of bergamot. Summer was the only word I could think to describe the scent. Just as Eren reminded me of summer with his tanned skin and sparkling eyes.

Before I could get my thoughts straightened out, he pulled away. I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from his mouth when his opened his lips once more.

“That’s why.” He smirked wickedly at me.

“Not bad.”

“So how about it?” Eren leaned back, leaving me in a state of discomfort. He was toying with me and my body body only craved more of his addicting touch. I had to restrain myself from diving forward and kissing him again. “I’m clean, no STDs or anything, if you’re wondering.”

Making one last cursory scan of the people around us, I shrugged, trying to claw back some semblance of apathy. It was a sloppy and careless gesture, made out of reflex than any feeling, because my mind had already decided on Eren as my partner. The kid wasn’t bad looking and if the kiss was any indication, he would be pretty good in bed.

“Fine.” I downed the rest of my beer in one go, slamming the cup on the table with a small clatter. “You wanna leave now?” The sooner we could get to fucking, the sooner I could return to my blessed numbness. There was no point in waiting around and having one of us back out.

“Now?” Eren questioned, cocking his head.

“Yeah. Were you thinking of fucking here or something? That’s fucking disgusting.” I narrowed my eyes. If he had thought I was the type of guy to randomly hookup and fuck in the bathroom, he was horribly mistaken.

“N-… well, let me finish my drink first.”

“Hurry up then.” Pulling out a couple of bills from my wallet to pay for the extra drinks I ordered, I slid it under my glass. The moment Eren’s glass hit the table, I stood up, grabbing my jacket and bag. I didn’t bother texting anyone or finding Eld and telling him I was heading out; they’d knew what to expect.

We didn’t speak a word as we made our way through the drunken revelry to the outside. It had begun drizzling, covering the air in a gentle mist. I had no difficulty hailing a cab – one was parked right around the corner. Making our way through the drizzly coolness, I quickly stepped in the yellow vehicle.

“Where to?” The driver asked as we settled in the backseat.

“Your place or mine?” Eren asked, his green eyes glittering in the dim interior.

“Mine.” Given the unsightly state of his condo the last time I visited, I didn’t trust his standards of cleanliness. Who knew when the last time he did laundry was? I didn’t even give the brat a chance to argue, immediately rattling out an address. “739 Rose Blvd.”

Maybe it was the alcohol – or the fact Eren already had an idea of where I lived, but instead of stating my usual destination, some random hotel in the area, I gave the driver my actual address.

The twenty-five-minute drive was uneventfully quiet. I wasn’t talkative to begin with, and for once, Eren kept to himself, opting to stare outside at the sunset as we neared our destination. I caught him staring at me a couple of times, a golden light in his eyes as he did, hungry and untamed, but no words were exchanged. Once we arrived, I quickly paid and headed into the building, absentmindedly nodding at the doorman as I entered. The brunet trailed behind me, eyes darting to and fro as he took in our surroundings. I didn’t’ bother with small talk, heading straight for the elevator, scanning my key fob, and punching in my floor. It was a blessedly quick and uninterrupted trip up.-

“Shoes off.” I barked the moment we stepped into my apartment and I locked the door behind us. Pulling my coat and shoes off, I tossed my keys into a small bowl on top of the half-wall, waiting for Eren to take them off.

“This way.” I spoke quietly as if fearful of destroying the delicate balance, tugging on his arm. Neither of us had spoken on the taxi or since the bar really, but it was easy to feel the tension. The air between us was electrified as I led him down the short distance. I shivered at the hungry gaze behind me. It was as though there was a beast inside him that had become uncaged the moment Eren entered my apartment. Each step we took felt like one closer to the lion’s den.

The moment we entered my room, he pounced. Lips mashed against mine, warm fingers savagely tugging my shirt off and tossing it into a corner. His hands were against my skin, exploring every dip and bump. My hands found purchase on his broad shoulders, feeling our arousals press up against one another as his hands grabbed my butt and forced our hips together.

I gave myself willingly, swept away by his behavior, unrestrained and unfettered, by the weight of life. There was no need for me to tell him what to do as he took control, filling me with a foreign heat, and melting away the iciness inside me. It wasn’t violent, but it was rough, tearing me apart and building me anew again and again until I was overwhelmed and darkness took over.


	7. Chapter 7

Staring at the dark ceiling, I found myself unable to sleep. Sleep had always eluded me, but normally the exertion from sex wore me out enough to get a couple of hours.

Right now, though, I wasn’t even the least bit tired. The typical chill in my limbs was replaced with heat. And the numbness in my mind was gone, replaced with a loud hum as my brain fired on all cylinders. Closing my eyes only made me refocus on the physical sensations reminding me of things I’d rather not think about.

Eren presented an unusual situation. It was something I wasn’t used to handling. Not only did he know me as an individual, he had also met some of the people closest to me in life. The sex, itself, was already different because he knew and had addressed me by name when we were doing it. In the past, I didn’t exchange names with my partners. Keeping things anonymous made it more impersonal. Sex without all the strings, so to say. And if they asked, I would always throw out a random name like Louis or Jake. I could tell Eren to call me something else, but that would be weird.

What threw me off even more was the jarring reality that the green-eyed brat was genuinely interested in me as a person. While I was accustomed to Erwin, our parents, and some others, prodding and scratching at the walls I put up, Eren wasn’t one of those people. I didn’t know what was worse, the fact I had let him in or the fact there was no signs of ending whatever strange twist of fate which had brought us together. He was an anomaly in my existence. A parasite that latched on and showed no signs of letting go.

Throwing the comforter off, I gently moved the arm resting on my waist, careful not to wake the sleeping brunet next to me. I padded silently to the bathroom, locking the door with a tiny click. Tossing off my boxers, I hopped into the shower and turned the water on. Raising my head, I loved how the blistering hot water pelted over me. Even though I had already taken a shower after everything, I could still feel the ghostly sensations against my skin. But the almost painfully hot water washed it all away.

Quickly scrubbing myself raw, I shut off the running water and toweled off. The shower made me feel invigorated, but more importantly, clean. Throwing my bathrobe on, I tied the waistband closed and made my way to piano.

While the stiffness in my lower back was something I had expected, I still felt myself flinching every two or three steps. The ache from bottoming was bittersweet; it not only made me feel alive, but gave me a small slice of what it felt like for Izzy. Even though there was a roughness in what had just transpired, the mental set of knowing who my partner was changed everything. Sex was a way to release and help wash away the scars of my past, but it didn’t feel like that right now. They felt raw, forced open and bleeding.

Sitting on the bench, I felt the coolness seep into my bones, forcing me even more awake.

Despite how exhausted and mentally drained I was, I felt weak from being raw and exposed, as though everything was open for public consumption. And I hated the sensation. I was aware of, and largely refrained from, sleeping with those I knew for this exact reason.

While I knew that sleeping with strangers was dangerous in terms of STIs and so on, what mattered more was the sense of relief and catharsis it afforded. I owed them nothing and could easily slip out in the morning without a backwards glance. Anonymity was key, and even if I walked passed them on the streets again, I certainly wouldn’t recognize them.

But there was no escaping what I had just done. Running away and avoiding what had just happened was certainly an option, but I knew enough about the harsh realities of life to know that nothing would change. Eren knew where I lived, what I looked like, and what I did. And I knew just as much, if not more, about him.

Glancing at the shelf of differing amber and clear liquids behind me, I debated whether to fix myself a drink. The buzz from the alcohol was one way of coping, but alcohol was why I was stuck in this situation in the first place.

Laying my hands on the white keys, my fingers unconsciously curled and positioned themselves across a spread of three keys. Pressing down, I listened to the depressing triad hum through the air, the low vibrations resonating deeply within my core. As the minor chord gradually faded into nothingness, I moved my hands once more, evolving and moving onto a diminished seventh. The sound reverberated through the air, amplifying and peaking in intenseness briefly, before fading gradually. The chord comprised of four notes was more of everything; it was imbued with both a lightness and a heaviness that reflected my current state.

Feeling slightly better about myself, I repositioned my hands and feet, preparing to begin with the well-known piece of Beethoven’s _Moonlight Sonata_. Shutting my eyes, I let the melody glide over my being like water, and soon found myself adrift in the flowing tune. The first time I had heard the sonata in its complete form, I had been taken away by the ferocity it contained. The rapid banging on the chords, bordering on chaotic, perfectly mirrored the internal struggle I faced daily. It was an unending maelstrom, dissonant, yet harmonious, and utterly perfect in its entirety. Most people recognized the song from its first movement, which was hauntingly beautiful, softer and sorrowful, but I found the despair and angst in the third movement just as evocative. It really depended on my mood, but both the head and tails of the pieces echoed the major themes in my life. Together, the transition from depression to aggression perfectly aligned with the sorrow I had towards Izzy’s death and anger I felt towards my own stupidity.

I threw my sorrow, my despair, my entirety into the music, allowing it to carry me to a place of mind where sound was the only thing in awareness. Nothing else registered. The love I didn’t have, the hate I had for the world, the hopelessness and despair that weighed on me, and even my apathy, all melted away into unending notes.

When that piece was done, I ran through another couple of pieces, all of which were memorized. I operated on autopilot, pressing the notes without even thinking of where to press. Fingers gliding over the white and black pieces unencumbered and unrestrained. Each successive note helped wash away a bit of the tension within my body, lulling my mind into an artificial sense of security and calmness.

“ _On wings, wings of air and light, wings of freedom, I fly, gliding through darkened skies_ …” I sang quietly in the unlit room, fingers weaving through the keys with practiced ease. The lyrics came easily to me. Easier than any other songs I had ever sang.

The words were ones I had written myself, expressing the hopes and dreams I wished to have. It was a melancholic piece of desiring wings, but having none. Seeking freedom, but finding none. Wanting redemption, but having it denied. The song was the embodiment of I wanted, but could never have.

Even after going through them so many times, it remained incomplete to my ears. The song was like me, forever incomplete and broken. Half of a whole. It was technically finished, and yet whenever I went through it, it felt like there was a crucial piece missing. Like a swan that was a tad too grey to be either white or black. No matter how much I mulled over it, I couldn’t figure out why. I sang of freedom and peace, but it was all discordant in my ears. Maybe it was because I had never tasted the joys of life, of freedom, of being unbound and soaring through the air, that the notes were imperfect to my ears.

Too absorbed in the process of making music, I didn’t even realize I had an audience until I stopped for a moment and heard the soft breathing behind me. My hands immediately stopped and I turned around to see Eren propping himself against a wall and staring in my direction. The sense of relief I had garnered was quickly wiped away at the sight of the brunet. His hair was sticking up in all directions, and I could see the marks I had left against his body only hours prior. I had no idea what I was doing when I brought Eren back to my place; it was a lapse in judgment likely brought on by the oddness of the situation.

“Sneaking up on me now?” I couldn’t help the defensiveness in my tone as I glared at the interloper. It was bad enough that I wasn’t able to sleep and found my mind in turmoil after last night, but I had wished to keep it under wraps. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“Couldn’t help it. I woke up and you weren’t there.” He smiled welcomingly, taking a few steps towards me. The sleepy look of what could pass as adoration gave me pause. I didn’t want the brat sticking his nose in my business where he didn’t belong. We had just had sex, nothing else. If Eren believed I was seeking something more permanent and substantive, which it seemed he did, he was dead wrong. “Why’d you stop? It was beautiful.”

“I don’t like having an audience.” I wanted to ask him ‘can’t you see this is a private show?’ but that would intimate something was wrong, which would lead to a whole other plethora of questions I was unwilling to entertain.

“But aren’t you in a band? And didn’t you just perform yesterday?”

“It’s different.”

“You mean your singing?” He raised a brow in curiosity, but I wasn’t going to answer that. Despite only knowing Eren for no more than a week or two, the younger man had somehow made me inadvertently reveal more about myself to him than I had to other people in my life. Many of those things, such as my fondness for tea or sexual orientation, were inconsequential in the larger scheme of things, but my aversion to him listening wasn’t.

Yesterday, I had been _performing_ on stage. It was a mask. A guise. A façade I used out in the real world. Something I practiced to blend in. I could smile, but I would never feel the happiness deep within my core. I could laugh, but no light would pierce my heart. I could cry, but I was numb to the pain of others. Parts of the real me were reflected within it, but those were the shards I was willing to show. Small fragments that never revealed my true nature, but made others think I had. The rest was hidden.

This was the exact opposite. I don’t know how much Eren knew about music, but the playing he had interrupted wasn’t for show. It was the sound of my soul crying out, seeking solace, but finding none. It was a means to help me deal with the stresses of life. The regrets I had and would never be able to fix, apologies lodged in my throat. The pain lingering in my heart. The hopes and dreams I had which would never come to fruition. It was private and wasn’t meant for anyone but myself to hear.

“I know you’re a backup singer, but you could really hit it off on your own, you know?”

I grunted at the suggestion. It wasn’t the first time someone around me had suggested a solo. One or two of reporters who had managed to wrangle a word out of me had even expressed that it was a waste of talent to remain in the musical niche I was in. Even Erwin and my parents had suggested it on occasion. Even if I wasn’t going to release a solo, I definitely had the skills to compete in concours or other music competitions.

My role in The Regiment was certainly not contingent on a lack of skill or inability to produce other types of music. I could easily switch into a genre. However, it just so happened that the songs I created naturally contained the instrumental elements of classical music and the thematic darkness and angst which defined heavy metal. Moreover, there was no incentive beyond the possibility of more fame and recognition – both of which I didn’t care for – for me to do something on my own.

Certainly some of the half-assed pieces I wrote were better suited for male vocals rather than Petra’s mezzosoprano. Our songs didn’t feature screaming as was the case in most metal bands and she had an impressive range, but her voice could only go so far. Petra’s singing definitely evoked haunting lyrical qualities and she was also able to convey aggression sometimes, but she was unable to express the raw, masculine aggression that bordered on manic violence. Generally, those excerpts were done as instrumental solos or I would sing it as an accompaniment to Petra’s singing.

Being a cog in a larger machine suited me just fine. And it was protective in its own way. People were focused more on the band as a whole and Petra, since she was the lead singer and only female. I could simply fade in the background as “L” and be one of many in the group. Hitting it out on my own would only lead to questions from fans and other parties, as well as interviews which I had no interest in participating in. Most importantly, music would no longer be the safe haven it currently served as. It would become a polished jail cell from which I would never be able to escape.

“Well, if you don’t want me listening, can you at least tell me the name and artist of the piece you were just singing? I’ve never heard it before. It’d be cool to listen to it again.”

“It’s my song.” I saw those green orbs widen in the moonlit room. “And its incomplete.”

“So you’re still working on it?” I refrained from going into more detail about how it wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t stagnating in a musical sense; it was just this particular peace that wasn’t progressing the same way my other compositions were. It was like me. Eternally stuck in the same place. “Well, if you ever do finish it. I’d love to hear it. It’s kinda sad, but at the same time hopeful.”

“Yeah, sure.” I grunted noncommittally. There was a high chance that it wouldn’t ever be complete. Just like me. I had been working on it for longer than I was in the band, but there had been no substantial progress made. Among all the songs I had written, complete or not, this was the closest to being done, and was still unfinished. For some reason, I could never seem to get it just _right._

“Cool. What’s the name of the piece?”

“Don’t know.” I hadn’t thought that far ahead.

If I were to define the theme of the piece, it would be wings of freedom. Metaphorically speaking. Admittedly, ‘on wings’ was a phrase in the chorus used to convey this meaning, but naming an incomplete song “On Wings” or “Wings of Freedom” was a little tacky.

Irrespective of what it was called though, I wasn’t yet prepared to share it with anyone. The song was meant to represent something personal. While I worked on many projects simultaneously, no one, not even those closest to me, knew of this particular piece. Eren finding out was another fluke that should never have happened. The thought of producing the piece for others to hear had never been on the table. As with all my music, it was an expression of what I felt inside. But this one was different. It was my hopes and aspirations. My dreams. Who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, and what I wanted in life.

Sadly, though, despite years of soul-searching, I had yet to find my wings.

Eren didn’t seem to notice my discomfort to his hovering around me, so I grabbed the key cover and slid the velvety fabric over the black and white keys before gently shutting the key lid closed. There was no way I was going to be able to concentrate with an audience. I should have just kicked him out after doing the deed, but that was shitty bedside manner.

“Hungry?” I threw the question out as we walked out of the piano room and into the living room. I couldn’t deal with anything substantial so I merely tossed out the first thought that came to mind relating to mornings.

“A little.” The brat replied sheepishly. “But I can wait for a bit too.”

“I’ll go make something.” I hummed, flipping the lights on in the kitchen and casting a yellowish glower over the granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. At the very least it would keep me occupied. I would have preferred cleaning or doing the laundry, but that would only reveal my obsession to keep things clean.

“You don’t have to. I’ll just grab something from around here.”

“It’s five o’clock in the morning, brat. Everything’s closed.”

“You sure?” Eren questioned once more.

“Just go take a shit or something.” I waved him off, unwilling to deal with his stubbornness.

“I’m sure you know, but you really use the word shit a lot, Levi.”

“Whatever.” I grunted, pulling open the fridge door to see what I had. Bickering with the brat was what had trapped me in this situation in the first place, and I didn’t want to do so again. “Go take a shit, you shit.”

“Haha, sure.” There was a low chuckle, and before I knew it I felt warm arms wrap around me as Eren quickly pulled me in for a kiss. I froze at the sudden intimacy, completely unused to such affection. None of my previous partners had ever done that, but then again, none of them had ever come to my apartment.

Thankfully Eren didn’t notice or acted like he didn’t, as he pulled away just as quickly. “Thanks, Lee.”

Holding the fridge door open, I stared into the brightly lit interior, barely noticing the cold air rushing passed my face. It took a few long seconds for my brain to restart itself and to process what had just happened. Everything had unfolded so quickly that instead of pushing him away, as I had with any previous partners, I merely froze. I hoped Eren wasn’t thinking that there was anything substantial between us. My offer to cook was only done as a courtesy and so I could get him off my back when it came to music.

A quiet toilet flush signaling Eren’s imminent return forced me out of my reverie. Shaking my head, I rapidly filed everything into the back of my head to be dealt with after breakfast when I could think a little clearly. Grabbing the carton of eggs and a few other things out, I sorted them on the counter. By the time his footsteps could be heard, I had washed and was in the midst of dicing up the onions for an omelet. While I wanted the brat gone, I wasn’t going to subject myself to shitty food just so that could happen.

“So, Levi, what’s with all the buttons next to the toilet?

“What about them?”

I had specially purchased and installed a bidet toilet in my bathroom after seeing how advanced they were after my first tour in Japan. It had cost a pretty penny or two, but the additional cost was worth it. While it wasn’t a replacement for good old-fashioned soap and water, it did its job in rinsing away shit and other bodily wastes in a fairly economic and efficient manner.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I mean I heard stories from one of my friends who went to Japan before, but I never really expected to see something here. Where’d you even get it? And do you even need that many functions? I mean there’s a music button on the toilet!” Admittedly some of the non-essential functionality was a little excessive, but the heated seats were nice in the middle of the night, and so were the automatic sanitation functions.

“What’s with the fascination over a shitty toilet?” It might have different than ones he had seen before, but it wasn’t _that_ different. Those basins were a necessary plumbing fixture for pissing and shitting into. Everything else was simply for hygienic purposes.

“Come on, you can’t say it isn’t a little bit cool.”

“Tch.” Clicking my tongue, I lined up and began dicing the bacon. Even though Eren hadn’t opened his mouth again, I was strangely attuned to and hyperaware of the additional person in the kitchen. I could feel his eyes observing my every movement.

“So what’re you making? Need any help?”

“I’m good. Go sit down and stop bothering me.” I needed the space, but the brat didn’t seem to understand the simple fact.

“Okay, okay. Sheesh, not a morning person much, Lee?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“What? Lee?”

“Yeah, that.” The band got away with calling me that since we had known each other for a long time. Same with my parents, Erwin, and Hange. But Eren? He didn’t know me and the false closeness which it conveyed made me uncomfortable.

“I will when you stop calling me brat then.”

“Fuck you.”

“I just did.” Even with my back turned, I could hear the smirk in his tone. The brat was getting cockier and cockier by the moment.

Every single thing I tried always backfired on me where Eren was concerned. When I tried to help, my clothes got soaked. When I agreed to coffee, I had to deal with rabid fans. When I gave him tickets, he intruded on my private life and home.

What did I have left for him to ruin? My life?

As if _that_ was any prize worth mentioning. My life was already in shambles and dedicated to someone else.

“Just because we fucked doesn’t mean we’re dating now.” I growled menacingly.

“Woah, chill out. I know that.”

“Do you?” I questioned. His behavior last night and this morning suggested that he wanted something more from me. I had slept with someone like that once before. We’d meet ad have sex every week or so, but he would always try to ask me for a meal or to hang out in some nonsexual situation. It was aggravating dealing those continued requests, so I eventually sent him a message to say we were done. It only grew worse as he insisted that he was in love with me and pestered me with unending messages. It eventually stopped after I confronted him and told him that I had never cared for him and that he could get hit by a car and die and I still wouldn’t care. It had been an ugly confrontation, but it worked.

Grabbing a couple of eggs, I cracked them open, viciously whipping them in a frenzy until the contents were frothy and an even shade of pale yellow. Just remembering my association with him pissed me off. It was cut and dry from the real beginning that all I was interested in was sex, nothing else. It was a no-strings attached relationship, which had worked, until he started asking for more. Eren’s behavior, while different, had me on alert. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before.

“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go on a date or something with you.” My hands froze at his words. Dating was like cyanide to me. It had a strange flavor, almost pleasant at first, but then turned bitter. Any relationship, besides that of friends, would quickly sour. No one had been able to resist the urge to dig into my past or ask about my nightmares when I couldn’t sleep, and there was no way I was ever going to let them.

“So, what do you say? Want to grab lunch or dinner sometime this week?”

“You might have been pretty good in bed, but I don’t do relationships.” I forced a level of equanimity into my reply. It was a good thing we weren’t face-to-face. Eren had no idea how weak I saw to his face and I didn’t need that influencing my mind.

Hell, I needed him to _stop_ asking for more. Things were crazy enough as it were.

“Oh.”

I could hear the dejection in his voice, but I wasn’t going to budge on this issue. Relationships weren’t my thing and they’d never work out even if I tried. I was fucked up in so many ways that if Eren didn’t see it now, he would see it down the line and break up with me either way. It was an undeniable fact.

“Yeah.”

A resounding sizzle made its way through the kitchen, cutting through the pregnant pause, as I poured the eggs onto the heated pan. Grabbing the spatula, I quickly ran it through the eggs, scrambling them up messily. I was glad I had finally made Eren shut up for once. He was too talkative for me right now.

I hadn’t had many partners since Eld’s accident. Sex was simply a tool for me to feel less screwed up, and without the regular practices or performances, there hadn’t been much of an urge to seek something out. Compared to my past partners, Eren was the only one who knew me as Levi before sleeping with me. It introduced a new dynamic in my life that I wasn’t sure was pleasant. It made me more vulnerable than I had been in a long time.

It wasn’t long before he opened his mouth up again though.

“So what _do_ you do? Do you have fuck buddies or friends with benefits or something?”

“I guess. Haven’t had one in a while though.” Fuck buddies were convenient up to a point. Like any relationship, though, they eventually became a hassle. The ones who eventually wanted something I was unwilling to give them, such a relationship, were easy to deal with. I never met them outside a hotel or with my real name and simply blocked their number. The problem were those that took advantage of the fact they were topping and were assholes about it, priding themselves on their ability and getting angry whenever I wanted to call things off.

“Why, you offering?” The words left my mouth before I could stop them. For better or for worse, Eren had been one of the more talented partners I had been with in recent history. It wasn’t difficult finding someone, but it was difficult finding someone who didn’t suck. Too many guys quickly assumed wrongly because of my stature that I was masochistic. Sure, I took it up the ass and enjoyed it rough, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed the shitty name calling, spanking, and other bullshit kinks people had. Things could certainly change after I got to know Eren a little more, but for now, he had given me what I sought.

“Well…” He hesitated, stumbling in his speech for a moment. “I’ve never had a fuck buddy before. Why don’t you tell me what you mean by it first?”


	8. Chapter 8

“I’m surprised you agreed so readily.” Erwin smiled as he unlatched the door. “Mom and dad will be thrilled to see you.”

“Meh.” I shrugged, hopping into his vehicle, glad to see it wasn’t covered with shit Hange left lying around. It had happened before, and thankfully Erwin had cleared all of his girlfriend’s shit out.

“Anything new happen this week?”

“Not really.”

The rest of the week had fallen into a simple rhythm of waking up, jogging, showering, going to the studio, and returning home. Life was going well. Or as well as it ever went. The only wrench in my routine was Hange, who had been pestering me to introduce Eren to her. I wasn’t surprised to learn that one of my band mates had leaked the news of my leaving with Eren to her, but I did keep quiet about what happened afterwards.

It had been two days since I slept with him, and I was still waiting on Eren to give me some indication of whether he wanted to embark in a sex-only relationship with me. I had laid out the cut and dry terms and while he fell silent for a bit, Eren hadn’t done much aside from asking for more time to think. His initial reaction didn’t give me much to go on. It was a mix of interest, hesitation, with some other things sprinkled between. Most people who wanted time to think were generally thinking of gentler ways to refuse, and that was what I interpreted it as. Though, having a straightforward ‘no’ would have been much simpler. In light of the brat’s propensity to jump out when I least expected it, there was always a chance he would show up randomly in the next couple of days.

Pushing aside thoughts of Eren, I turned back to the situation at hand. “What’s new in your life?” I asked, turning the tables, knowing how much Erwin liked to drone on about things. I immediately zoned out as he began telling a story about a new patient. The general gist trickled into my mind, but I paid no attention to the details. It was nearly an hour’s drive to reach our destination and that much dedicated one-on-one time with Erwin would drive nearly anyone, apart from Hange, mad.

The drive was blissfully uneventful. Near the end, Erwin had asked me a couple more pointed questions, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. Eyeing a familiar large brick structure as we turned the corner, both of us fell silent as our parent’s house came into view. Sometimes I forgot how wealthy they were, not that they ever rubbed it in my face or acted like they were that well-off, but the head of surgery and head nurse could certainly afford such extravagances. If it wasn’t enough that there were five bedrooms, parking space for four vehicles, and enough room to host at least two dozen comfortably, the house was inspired by old European manors and castles, and even had a fucking turret built on the side. I didn’t hold it against them for being able to afford such a lifestyle, and they didn’t flaunt their money, but the conditions that’s Erwin grew up in and his parents resided in only made the gap between my existence and theirs larger.

My adoptive brother easily navigated the parkway, sliding in front of the garage with practiced ease.

“You ready for this?” The blond asked, slamming his car door shut as he exited.

“Tch, let’s just get this over with.” I had spent the day mentally preparing myself for dinner with my adoptive parents. Generally speaking, I didn’t need to go, but the longer I didn’t see them, the more smothering the atmosphere when I went back. Consequently, I generally went back every three to four months. It was long enough of a delay for them to start calling and bugging Erwin to see me, but short enough that they didn’t invite me to stay the night or something.

“Well, okay then.” Erwin smiled, unlocking the front door and making his way in. “I’m home. Something smells amazing.”

“Welcome back, son! Put your coat away. We’re just in the kitchen making dinner.”

“You mean you’re just being a big buffoon while I’m doing all the work.”

“I’m helping by just being here.”

Erwin shot me a commiserating look, apologizing for his parents’ display of affection. The love between the two of them was clear as day. Even a blind person would be able to tell how deeply in love the Smiths were. It wasn’t surprising, then, that they had given birth to and raised Erwin in their image.

“Ready?”

Shrugging, I took the first step into the living room, forcing Erwin to rush and hurriedly conceal me in his shadow. The fact that he was able to was annoying.

Making our way down the hall, I could feel the warmth of the house in everything from the family photos to coy décor. It was a welcoming home, fit for any _normal_ human being. But for me, it was the antithesis of my childhood. It was the life Izzy, Farlan, and I had dreamed of, one with parents who loved us, but I was the only one to ever experience it. Boxing the tumultuous thoughts back inside my mind, I pasted my practice look of neutrality as we neared the kitchen.

“Erwin, welcome back.”

“Missed you too, mom.” I hid right out of the line of sight behind the kitchen pillar as the mother and son pair embraced. “Guess who I brought?”

“Who? Hange?”

“Nope. Someone even better.” I snorted quietly at Erwin’s dismissal of his own girlfriend. Hange would never have been able to remain silent for so long and he knew it. When we were discussing the best time to visit home, he had suggested bringing Hange along, but I had vetoed that option as quickly as possible. I saw the brunette on a near-daily basis already. They were a capable manager, but too social and nosy for my tastes. I had already used up my quota of dealing with bullshit, so if Hange were to come, there would likely be a homicide happening in the horse this evening.

“Look who it is.” Erwin declared, cuing my entry as I stepped into view.

The twin looks of surprise immediately morphed into joy as my adoptive parents noticed me, dropping everything and hurrying over.

“Levi! We missed you!” I stood there as familiar arms wrapped around me in welcome.

“Missed you too.” I replied out of habit, not because I had actually missed them, but because it was the appropriate response to make. When I had first come to the Smith household, I was withdrawn and antisocial, unable and unwilling to reciprocate all attempts at communication. While that desire hadn’t changed, I was now better equipped to navigate the shitty social niceties and was able to put on an act that enabled me blend in.

 “Welcome back, slugger.” Robert, or dad as he insisted on being called, slapped a hard pat against my back. They were genuinely nice people and even after more than a decade, the thought of calling them ‘mom,’ ‘dad,’ and ‘brother’ didn’t come naturally. Those words might have been the utterances I used, but internally, I continued to use their first names.

Erwin took after his father in terms of height and build, but after his mom when it came to his fair hair and blue eyes. It was a little more difficult to see with the salt and pepper hair he had, but the resemblance between father and son was uncanny. “Erwin didn’t bully you into coming, did he?”

“Nah, he was a little persistent, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.” I responded in an attempt to inject some levity and steer the conversation away from me and onto Erwin instead.

“You hear that, Mel. Our Lee’s all grown up now!”

I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. When I was first accepted into their family, I had been the youngest and smallest in the Smith household. It was a sad fact that hadn’t changed over the years. While I had gained a couple of inches in height over the last few years, I was still a good six inches shorter than my adoptive mother and more than a foot shorter than the two other hulking giants. It could have been in my genes or just the world fucking with me, but apart from the children, I was shorter than everyone in my extended family too.

“Erwin, don’t think I can’t see you!” His mom scolded with laughter in her voice.

Turning my head, I caught sight of Erwin strolling towards the other end of the room. It would have been laughable had he tried to hide given how large Erwin was. But he didn’t, only shooting a backwards glance.

“Helping yourself to my liquor cabinet already, son?” Robert added, grinning.

“I swear that’s the only reason he comes home…” Melissa shook her head in mock disappointment.

“Hardly, mom. I’m just fixing Levi something.” The blond took it in stride, continuing his short journey across the room to the wooden and glass cabinet. “What do you want, Lee?”

“Anything. Preferably something stiff.”

“Got it.” I heard the tinkering of glass as he popped open a bottle and poured something inside. A minute later, he returned with two crystals of amber liquid.

“Thanks. This is…?” I sniffed the contents, making out the scents of spice and caramel.

“Cognac.”

Brandy wasn’t my drink of choice, but I trusted Erwin’s judgment when it came to liquor. My adoptive brother spent a lot of time around alcohol, having the money and interest to indulge himself. Erwin had been part of the med school’s tasting club and could identify different vintages from smell and color alone. Mike, one of his best friends from school, was a genius at it, and the two blond giants had held onto the title for three straight years.

Taking a sip, I felt a smooth burn as the alcohol trickled down my throat. The depth of flavor was unexpected. It wasn’t cloyingly sweet, but it was sweeter than my normal choice. The taste of dried apples and pears hit my tongue first, before transforming into pepper and nutmeg.

“Damn. It’s good.” I made a mental note to buy myself a bottle sometime. A passing thought of visiting Erwin and absconding with his liquor stash flitted through my mind, before I dismissed it. The action would require me to spend too much time with him and Hange.

“I know.” The corner of his mouth quirked upwards before he took a sip. “It’s hors d'âge.”

“Hors d'âge? Beyond age?” It took me a minute to translate the French words in my mind to. After living stateside for so many years, my English was arguably better than my mother tongue. I barely used French, aside from the occasional curse word, and the last time I had spoken it had been more than two years ago in New Orleans.

“Yeah, dad only ever has the best stuff. Everyone gives them to him as gifts.” Erwin took an appreciative sip, humming in satisfaction.

“Just because I get free liquor, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy your own, son.”

“But if Levi and I didn’t help you, you’d never finish it all, dad.”

“Touché.” Erwin gently clinked glasses against mine, causing me to throw a dirty look at my adoptive brother. I was fine with clinking glasses, just not _after_ someone had taken a drink from the rim.

“Well, I’m going to get dinner finished. Don’t want you boys leaving with only alcohol in your bellies!” Melissa left with a flourish.

“Thanks, mom!” Erwin called back at his mom.

“Pass me a beer will you, sweetheart?” Robert called out jokingly, following us to the living room.

“Get your own beer! Our sons are finally home and the first thing you ask me is for beer? Shame on you.”

“Yes, yes. I love you too, Mel.”

Quietly making my way to the living room, I sat down, listening to the happy sounds of a functional family, sipping my drink and waiting for dinner to be ready. The atmosphere of being included, but only tangentially and never forcefully, was strange. While they loved and accepted me for who I was, I constantly found myself putting on a mildly jovial mask. After so many talks and therapy sessions, I had learned the best way to not have people on edge was to pretend that everything was okay. It was more difficult among people who knew me and my past, but I had become well-versed in the art of pretense.

“Boys! Dinner is ready!”

“Coming!” Erwin belted out.

Following suit, I got to my feet, bringing my glass over to the dinner table and making a B-line sink to wash my hands first. We hadn’t done much for the last twenty minutes, just sitting around and chatting around the latest news, celebrity gossip, or random political issues, but knowing Melissa, the questions would start at the dinner table where I had no escape.

We quickly seated ourselves at one end of the long dining table. Robert was at the head of the table, his wife was to his right, and Erwin was to his left. I was right next to Erwin. While it wasn’t on purpose, the seating arrangement _did_ make me feel more like an interloper. In some ways, I already was, but there were small subtle things which one might not care about, which always brought out my alertness over these things.

It was still a struggle for me to think of myself as part of the family. It wasn’t that I was the black sheep – I certainly was – but we were as different as day and night. I was short and small, while they were all tall and fair-haired in comparison. My face was fixed in a perpetual frown, but there’s were always smiling. But most notably, they enjoyed and celebrated life, while it was a burden for me.

The first minute or so was relatively peaceful, filled with muffled sounds of appreciation, the clinking of forks and knives on plates, and mundane conversation such as ‘pass the salt’ or ‘could you get me some?’ But I knew enough that it wouldn’t last.

Sure enough, it didn’t.

“It’s been so long since we’ve seen you, Levi.” I raised my head to see the concerned eyes of my adoptive mom. Melissa Smith was one of those rare women who somehow managed to juggle her career while being a mother. But the consequence of that was that she was overly concerned, often understandably so, of her brood. “How are you doing? Have you found anyone you like yet?”

“Not really.” I didn’t have it in me to mention the fact I planned to remain single my entire life. Nothing in the world would change the cold, hard fact that I wasn’t built for having a relationship. “Eld’s recovered so we’ve been busy with new songs and practice.”

“Aw, that’s unfortunate, but I’m glad your friend’s feeling better.”

My parents were aware of the fact I was in a band and had even attended one of the first lives we had back when we were barely known, but the type of music we made wasn’t appropriate for their tastes. Erwin, and I to a lesser extent, kept them apprised on any happenings, such as Eld’s accident, but that was the extent of their knowledge.

“How is everything else, honey? Are you still going to see the doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good. Are they helping?”

“She’s better than my previous ones, but we’ll see.” I replied noncommittally, hiding my irritation at being asked about my mental health. I knew they desperately wanted to help, having talked to my child psychologist and counsellors about my nightmares and the trauma I had undergone. It made sense more than ten years ago when I had both a language barrier and new environment to overcome, but their prolonged worry to this day was grating on my nerves.

“Okay, well if you need any help…”

“Mom, I think Levi can take care of himself.” Erwin cut in. I was grateful for his interjection and shot him a small nod as thanks.

“Yes, but–”

“Mel,” Robert started, grabbing his wife’s hand. “I know you care, but we’ve had this conversation before. Levi’s a grown man now and he can make his own decisions. Our job as parents is to be there for him.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I kind of wish he was still our little boy though.”

I hid a grimace at her wishful tone. I had no wish to be young again and have no control over my life. While there were certain things youth afforded, such as not being naïve and still believing there was still hope out there, I would pick being jaded and cynical over running around with blinders on any day.

“If you need anything, Levi. You’ll ask, right?” Sharp grey eyes, full of intelligence, looked directly at me. There was no bullshitting Robert Smith, who had an MD/PhD and was acknowledged as one of the nation’s top doctors. While he was an all-round nice person, he was also brilliant and shrewd, which was yet another talent Erwin had inherited, making it difficult to lie to him.

“Sure.” The quip was automatic. I appreciated how he respected my autonomy. I didn’t need someone telling what to do how to live life. The lessons from my childhood served as a daily reminder of what not to do.

But whether they would be there for me or not was inconsequential. I had little to no intention of seeking or asking for help. It certainly wasn’t any fault on their part, treating me as though I was their own flesh and blood. I was simply too screwed up and refused to let anyone in.

No matter how much people cared or said they understood, they truly didn’t. They never would understand the gnawing guilt eating my insides. The self-loathing and regret for being weak and powerless. The bone-aching loneliness of being left alone on this planet. The weariness which I greeted each new dawn with. Izzy’s death had been inconsequential; the world continued functioning, never pausing to acknowledge her disappearance. I was the only one who remembered who the fiery redhead, full of hope and life, was. And my death would have the same result. Truly, I didn’t get the fascination most people had with prolonging their existence for even just a day. Time didn’t stop for anyone; the clock kept ticking and would keep on ticking when we were all gone.


	9. Chapter 9

“No way!” A peal of laughter rang out on the street, reaching my ears.

Trailing the source of the noise, I eventually spied a group of college aged brats hanging around at the edges of one of the main city squares. There were at least seven of them standing around and doing god knows what. I spied a dirty-blond, slightly taller than Eren, horsing around with the green-eyed brat. The two of them exchanging insults and friendly blows while the rest of the other brats laughed.

Honestly, I hadn’t expected to bump into him after nearly two weeks of radio silence on his end. While I operated under the assumption that his silence was a no, given how our previous interactions had deviated from the norm, the lack of perfect certainty, put me on edge. It had irked me more not getting a straight answer out of him. I liked things in black and white, instead of the strange shades of grey I constantly found myself in when he was around. I knew he told Petra that he wasn’t actively seeking relationship – she had grilled me on what happened that night too – and what I proposed was the ideal solution. We both got physical relief with none of the emotional ties.

Since he hadn’t seen me yet, I could have gone on my way and pretended I hadn’t seen him. But wouldn’t resolve the question mark floating in my head. Quickly convincing myself that some confirmation was necessary, I strolled towards his friends’ corner of the square. It was easy to cut across the short distance. There weren’t many people around in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon as most people were at work. My short, brisk pace brought me within listening distance quite easily.

I slowed down, unintentionally eavesdropping to the conversation they were having.

“Stop lying, Jean. There’s no fucking way that happened!” Despite the distance and hum of everyday life around me, I heard Eren’s cry quite clearly.

“I’m not! I swear it happened.” The kid with dirty-blonde hair replied.

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Prove it, horse-face.”

So that was the ‘horse-faced’ Jean Eren mentioned. While I wouldn’t say his face was that of a horse’s, I could see a slight resemblance in how long and narrow it was. From all his descriptions, the relationship Eren had painted was a dysfunctional friendship with an individual he disliked, but from the outside, it looked anything but. My relationship with Hange was definitely dysfunctional – it was impossible to get rid of her and she stuck her nose in too many places it didn’t belong – whereas Eren’s seemed arguably _normal_ , with a few more ups and downs than most.

A part of me wanted to step in and interrupt the shitty brats from their nonsensical conversation so I could talk to the shitty brown-haired brat about something more important, but I stopped in mid-step. While Eren hadn’t recognized me as part of The Regiment, there was the possibility that one of his friends would. And there was the off-chance he had told his friends of my identity.

I had no idea how long I stood there, internally warring with myself on the merits and downsides to confronting Eren. On one hand, I could finally get an answer from him about the arrangement I proposed. But on another hand, I might end up with more social interaction that I was willing to deal with. There wasn’t any real cost to waiting, except the potential lack of a definite partner during those days, and the only confronting him how would give me would be an answer.

“Psst… hey, you think that guy’s okay or something? He’s been looking in this direction for some time now.” The statement finally shook me out of my reverie.

Any lesser individual, more concerned with appearances, might have decided to back down after being faced with a group of college-aged brats whispering and pointing, but I wasn’t. Quickly deciding that regardless of the outcome, having an answer was better than being left hanging, I took the liberty to walk the remaining steps and called out.

“Oi, brat.”

“Brat? Who does he think he is?” One of the taller girls cocked her hip and looked at me as if I was beneath her. I narrowed my eyes darkly at her rude attitude. College students these days had no respect for anyone.

“It’s okay, Ymir. Levi’s just like that.” Eren immediately placated his friend.

“You know that punk?” Jean snorted. My eyes narrowed, rounding upon the horse-faced dick who just dissed me. I could understand being called a punk in my performance outfit, but right now, two-tone was the punk with his idiotic hair, torn jeans, and studded jacket.

“Yeah, it’s a long story. I got this. Let me talk to him first.”

“You want us to go ahead and save you a spot, Eren?”

“No! This should only take a minute or two.” He exchanged glances with me and I nodded discreetly. All I needed was a yes or no, not some intensely long heart-to-heart.

“Okay, but we’ll head over there if you take too long.” The disrespectful tall female mentioned, with chimes of agreement sounding after her.

“I know, just hold on a sec. I’ll be back in a minute.” The brunet quickly pushed forward, emerging from his group and making his way towards me. “Hi Levi, umm… let’s walk over there.” He motioned away from his friends. The need for privacy was important, but either way would have worked for me. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Meh.” I didn’t care for trivialities. What I wanted was an answer.

“Are you stalking me or something?” He teased, playfully.

“Tch, as if.” I had absolutely no desire to know what went on in his life, who he was friends with, or what he did. Dealing with people was a pain in the ass, and dealing with this green-eyed brat was a bigger pain in the ass than most. I would never have proposed anything beyond that one-night had the sex been any worse.

“Have you thought about what I said?” I questioned immediately once we had walked decently far away and out of earshot.

“So umm…”

“Just spit it out.”

“I didn’t know how else to reach you, but there were several things I wanted to ask you first.” He began hesitatingly.

The tone of voice he used, halting and unsure, made warning bells go off in my head. Whenever someone did that, it normally meant they wanted to call things off, but didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. The thing was, I didn’t have any _feelings_ for Eren to hurt. What I had proposed was a no-strings attached, no commitment relationship. Hell, provided he didn’t pass me any disease or kill me in my sleep, he could be seeing someone else for all I cared.

“Kid,” I put my hand out, halting him before he could say something more. “I get it. I’m not going to get butt hurt if it’s not your thing.” I would simply move on and continue my routine of sleeping with strangers. It might be a little more difficult finding a partner with the same level of skill, but it was also easier.

Physical attachment without any of that other lingering bullshit was easy. Go to a bar, pick someone up, fuck, and leave. But I found myself constantly on guard around the brat. We both lived in the same area and had bumped into each other on occasion, and the chances of doing so once more were high. There was no telling when Eren was going to pop up or how he was going to disrupt my typical schedule. While that wasn’t exactly the case today, it happened frequently enough that I had begun considering it bad karma to bump into him. Well… mostly bad.

“That’s not it.” Eren bit his lip, his eyes continuing to shift back and forth.

“Then what is?” I hoped it wasn’t anything unduly complicated. Unlike him, I didn’t have the patience or luxury to deal with such nonsense. And if it was, it would be safer to call the whole thing off and go on with our lives.

“Well… this _thing_ … would we still be able to see each other normally?”

“Define normally.”

“I mean, wo–could we still be friends or something, and catch a movie or grab food once in a while? Not a date,” he quickly backtracked. “Just hanging out as friends.”

“You’re not exactly my friend and we haven’t actually hung out.” I responded bluntly, watching the expression on his face dim with each word. Speaking subtly was never my strength, but the openness was on purpose here. I had no idea what he thought of ‘us’ – bumping into each other a few times didn’t mean there was an us – but allowing him to operate with such his misconceptions would only lead to problems down the road.

“…I know that. It’s just I like you and–” Eren caught the dark countenance on my face and quickly corrected himself. “Not like that! I mean as a friend! I know you said you don’t do relationships, and that we’re not friends, but I like you in that way! As a friend. Okay?”

“Ok.” He didn’t need to repeat himself. My hearing was perfectly fine.

“So… god this is hard…” he groaned, rubbing a hand in his face. It was only as difficult as he made it out to be. All I needed was a yes or no, but the shitty brat’s roundabout way of talking was making this more painful than necessary. It was beginning to irritate me. “What I want to say is that even if we do have sex, can we still hang out outside of it? Like grab drinks after a show or coffee in the morning?”

Normally I would have used the term friends with benefits, but we weren’t friends. If I were to compare his proposition against conventional relationships, it was actually more suspiciously similar to dating than friends with benefits, as neither of us knew each other well and his so-called ‘hanging out’ could easily be exchanged with something less innocuous.

“Ummm…” Eren must have assumed my silence was for other reasons altogether, quickly amending his statement. “Not always, just once in a while. I mean I really like your music and well, it’s nice having someone to talk to who isn’t in one of my classes or anything like that. And the rest of it… well, yeah, I’d be down for that.”

“So you’re basically saying friends with benefits.” I didn’t want to say dating without the emotional attachment. That certainly wasn’t it, nor did I want to give him false hope of anything more.

“Yeah, kinda I guess.”

“Huh.”

“I mean if you don’t…”

“Just stop talking for a moment and let me think.” I pinched the bridge of my nose and considered his suggestion.

What Eren suggested wasn’t that different from arrangements with others. In the past I had occasionally grabbed a meal with someone before going to the hotel room. And given what happened so far, bumping into him wouldn’t be unexpected. He would certainly be around for more performances and post-performance drinking. He already knew our favorite bar and could find us even if we didn’t invite him. The band, particularly Petra, and everyone around me wanted to know him, and knowing them, they’d most likely badger me under it happened. The major difference would be knowing when and being able to control most of these encounters.

The bigger uncertainty, though, lay in the unusual circumstance which led to him not only knowing where I lived, what I did, and who I was. None of my previous sex partners had been privy to that knowledge, but Eren was. That invisible barrier of remaining anonymous had allowed me to remain distant from them. With Eren, while I certainly wasn’t interested in pursuing anything romantic, the proposition he suggested combined with his knowledge of my identity made it difficult to see where one wall ended and the next began.

But then again, provided he was okay with it, and it sounded like he was, it wouldn’t be difficult for me to keep my emotional distance. I did it on a constant basis with Erwin, my adoptive parents, and the rest of the world. What more could a shitty brat do? There was no real threat to _me_ or my lifestyle. It would simplify finding a partner and I could deal with the minor inconvenience of seeing the brat once in a while.

“Fine. Works for me.”

“Really?”

“Isn’t that what I just said?”

“I just thought… never mind!” Eren cut himself off, visibly brightening. “So you wanna exchange numbers or something? It’s kind of hard to meet up when I can’t text you or something.”

If we were going to meet up for sex, it was a foregone conclusion I supposed. “You better not be texting random shit, brat.”

“I won’t, I swear.” He pulled out his phone preparing to enter my contact details. “I mean, I might text you to ask if you want to go for coffee, tea, whatever, or something, but nothing else.”

“Tch.” Rattling off a series of numbers, he punched them in quickly, pressing a couple of buttons and looked back up with a satisfied smile.

“Great. I just texted you.” Sure enough, I felt a vibration in my pocket. Fishing out my phone I grunted, adding the unknown number into my phone. “Anyways, I need to head back to my friends before they leave. I’ll text you later?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay. Bye, Levi!”

“Later.”

I watched as the brunet jogged over to his friends, the ‘horse-faced’ bastard immediately wrapping an arm around his shoulders and joking about something. Whispers of ‘who is that’ permeated my ears, but I didn’t stay to find out.

Walking down the street towards my favorite tea shop once more, I realized that I had never corrected his assumption that I didn’t drink coffee. Pulling out my phone, I reread his invitation from earlier.

[2:08] Eren: Hi it’s Eren! Let’s grab coffee sometime.

His chipper message from earlier made me snort. Rapidly punching a couple of words, I pocketed my phone once more.

[2:13] Levi: I don’t drink coffee.


	10. Chapter 10

_Ding. Dong._

It took less than fifteen seconds before I was at the door and opening it to reveal a windswept brunet outside my condo. I had been expecting him for the last ten minutes and was about fed up with waiting when he rang the doorbell.

“Late again, Yeager?” I really despised tardiness, and it showed in my voice.

“Sorry, there was a traffic jam on my way over here.” The tall brat sent me a lopsided grin as if it would suddenly dissolve my irritation into nothingness.

“Tch, just get in here.”

“Thanks.”

I walked back inside my apartment after making sure the door was closed. Eren would follow me once his shit was put away. We had both been through this process enough times to know the drill. Sometimes he messaged me, but for the most part, I was the one asking if he wanted to fuck.

This relationship (of a sorts) had been going on for a couple of weeks now. On concert nights, he would meet up with the band and I after the performance, grab a couple of drinks with us, and then we’d head back to one of our places and fuck. Other times, one of us would send a text and the other one would reply. Eren had asked me for coffee, or rather tea, a few more times, all of which I either declined or ignored. There was no reason to allow him deeper into my life.

The most leeway I gave him was entry to my home. While five-star hotels were generally clean, they were expensive and it was a hassle to book a room last-minute and get to and from the hotel. We could have always done this in a hotel, but the brat already knew my address, so it was a win-win. I valued practically above all things, and it was more efficient for Eren to come over.

“Shower?” I asked, once he had taken off his shoes and coat.

“Already did at home.”

“Good.” Once of the things I quickly realized about Eren was that he resembled an eager to please puppy. I had other partners before, but many of them became lazy with keeping up hygiene or wanted more than I was willing to give. In contrast, the brunet next to me wasn’t perfect, but he certainly tried hard to meet my expectations when it came to cleanliness and the many rules I had.

“Bedroom?” He asked.

“Tch.” I clicked my tongue, already halfway towards our destination. It wasn’t as though Eren didn’t already know the answer. Since we had begun fucking, the bedroom or accompanying bathroom were the only places we had done it. And it would be the only places I would allow it. We could have fucked on any surface in the house, but it would only make a mess.

Disrobing was quick. Neither of us wore anything complicated, and we were both eager to get to it. Inhibitions quickly fell away as desire overtook me.

 

“Fuck!” I yelled as we collapsed, bodies covered in sweat.

It took a moment for either of us to move, but when we did, Eren pulled out quickly, knowing how much I hated when the condom accidentally slipped off and created a mess everywhere. I repeated the motions he made, taking off the condom I wore, knotting it, and throwing it out. It wasn’t necessary to use one as the bottom, and I didn’t use it all the time, but it vastly decrease the mess made. Getting cum stains out of fabric was hell, and the smell was nasty.

“Shower?” Eren questioned as I rolled off the bed.

“Yeah, I feel disgusting.” Sometimes Eren joined me, but given that we often went for more than one round, we’d probably end up needing another shower later anyways. There really wasn’t much purpose of showering, knowing that’d we’d get down to it in a little bit once we had recovered and gotten some water, but I loathed the sticky sensation of sweat and saliva on my skin. Getting dirty was the most undesirable consequence of having sex, but I would grin and bear it if it helped erase the emptiness inside my soul.

“Okay. I’m just going to lie here for a bit.” Eren groaned, throwing an arm over his forehead. “Toss me the water will you?”

Chucking the other bottle at him, I rolled off the bed and headed for the bathroom. There was a slight twinge in my lower back, but I ignored it as I walked over stark naked. Our usual drill was that he’d come over, or I’d go over, we’d fuck, I’d shower, and we’d repeat it until we passed out. Eren thought it was weird for me to shower so frequently, even if it was only about three-minutes or so, but accepted it with a little playful humor.

Quickly going through the motions of shampooing and scrubbing my skin clean, I walked out with only a towel around my hips. Grabbing the second bottle of water near the nightstand, I took a long drink, allowing the refreshing liquid to cool my parched throat.

Eren wasn’t the best bed partner I had had, but he was definitely getting better. There was a little awkwardness on the brunet’s part the second time we did it, mostly at the beginning as if he wasn’t sure what to do or say, but beyond that, it went well. Most nights we went until we passed out or came close to it. Eren was insatiable, constantly clamoring for more and pushing me to the edge. I was too, throwing myself recklessly into the midst, requiring the human connection to fill the void inside. And the brunet did a stellar job of it. Exhaustion lulled me to a dreamless sleep, something I appreciated, and as long as Eren didn’t attempt anything nauseatingly sweet I was fine if he stayed the night.

“You up for another round?” I downed another mouthful of water, feeling myself far from exhausted after the shower.

Instead of words coming out, I heard a loud gurgle of hunger. Eren chuckled, rubbing his belly sheepishly. “Umm… maybe after a bit? I’m a little hungry.”

“Didn’t you eat?” I scowled at the interruption. He had come over for sex, not to eat dinner.

“Some. I forgot about this paper for class and slept in this morning. Didn’t have much time for breakfast, but I had lunch at three and grabbed an apple for dinner.” The younger man stated as though that normal.

“Tch,” There went my plan for another round. I didn’t know what was ‘normal’ for college brats these days, but the idea of stopping and waiting while he filled his stomach irked me. I invited Eren over with the goal of getting fucked, not dawdling around and watching him eat. Sex was simply a tool for me. I didn’t actually enjoy many aspects of it. Either due to the clean up involved or because most people were assholes. I _had_ , however, been looking forward to tonight. Sex with Eren was one of the rare instances in which I could actually wear myself out to the point of passing out.

And if he didn’t get food, I’d be left in a lurch.

Before I could comment on the situation, he rambled on. “You wanna order takeout or something? I know this great Chinese place that delivers.”

“Fine.”

“Great.” Eren scooted out of bed and grabbed his phone, tapping and scrolling on the screen. “I’m getting some kung pao chicken and fried rice. You want anything?”

“I’m good.”

“You sure?” He looked at me with a modicum of disbelief. “It’s on me.”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t remember whether I had grabbed dinner or not, and I couldn’t care. The sensation of hunger had always been something that waxed and waned with my mood, and I could easily ignore it unless it got too bad.

“Well, I’ll order some extra stuff anyways.”

I ignored him in favor of heading for the kitchen. I flipped the switch after checking to make sure there was still water in the kettle and began my well-practiced routine of making tea. Opening the cabinet, I grabbed out a mug, pot, and a tin of loose leaf tea. Popping the tin open, I scooped out a small spoonful of leaves and sprinkled them into the pot’s mesh strainer. A small click sounded as I was returning the tin to its rightful location.

“Making tea again?” Eren’s questioning voice came from behind me. There was a hint of amusement in his tone, but I ignored the inquiry instead, opting to pick up the kettle and quickly poured the hot water in the teapot. Eren knew better than to force me to talk. Making my way to the table, I heard the sounds of the fridge opening and water being poured.

The brunet joined me a moment later, plopping down on the seat next to mine as though he belonged there.

“So, I know you said you weren’t hungry, but I figured more food wouldn’t hurt. Wasn’t sure what you liked, so I ordered some spring rolls, kung pao chicken, ginger beef, and fried rice. Figured there’d be something in there.” The brunet spoke casually, running a hand through his messy hair. I absentmindedly noticed that he was naked from the waist up and only wearing a pair of boxers.

“Whatever.” So long as it wasn’t that weird shit Hange tried to pass off as food, I wasn’t picky.

“They said it’s going to be twenty or so minutes. Mind if I pop in the shower quickly?”

“Go ahead.” The thought of him covered in bodily fluids without showering and sitting on my chair made me grimace. I cleaned regularly, but it was normally at the end of the week. Now, I would have to clean again. It wasn’t much of a problem, but I had just cleaned the whole apartment two days ago.

I really didn’t know what to make of our arrangement. On one hand, having Eren in my life made everything easier. I didn’t have to go seek out a partner and deal with the process of telling them to go shower first before proceeding. Plus, he didn’t ask many questions. Certainly the curiosity was still there. And he had tried to get to know me better at first, but those quickly fell to the way side.

But the stifled curiosity would undoubtedly rear its ugly head once more. Eren continued to make overtures, albeit subtle ones, to meet up outside of the bedroom. As of now, I hadn’t yet agreed, but I could feel his mounting frustration. It was only a matter of time before he demanded tit for tat. He scratched my itch for a partner, so it was only far that I return the favor. Thankfully, I hadn’t had to come up with an excuse – I had legitimately been busy. Since our performances had started up again, our practices had doubled in duration. I rarely had much time off as it were. But sooner or later, I would have to indulge Eren’s desire for non-sexual company.

Absentmindedly tapping my fingers on the table, the sound of the doorbell rang.

Moving on autopilot, I opened it to see some random delivery person. “Can I help you?”

“Umm… I have a delivery for a Eren… Ye-Yeager?”

“Tch, he’s in the shower.”

“Oh, okay.” The Asian dude looked uncomfortable, not meeting me in the eyes. I hadn’t bothered putting on more clothes – it was my own home – but my near-naked state shouldn’t bother him _that_ much. We were both guys for god sakes. “Umm…”

“What?”

“Can I leave this with you? He already paid and everything.”

“Fine.” Grabbing the hefty paper bag, I grunt a few noncommittal words of thanks as I took Eren’s food in.

The brunet returned a few minutes later, dressed in only a t-shirt and shorts, with a towel around his shoulders preventing his unkempt hair from dripping on my floor.

“Damn, that was fast.” Eren strode towards the table with single-minded determination. Leery of his actions – the last time we ate in my kitchen, he tried to play the boyfriend role – I watched as he pulled out containers of food and pried them open. Nimble fingers which grabbed a fork and he speared a piece of chicken, immediately bringing it to his mouth. “Mmm… they make the best Chinese food in the area.”

“Tch.”

“Help yourself.” He pushed a container of rice in my direction. The scent was certainly delectable, making my mouth water. But I kept my distance, watching as he piled a bunch of food on top of rice and was about to dig in with gusto. His gaze turned questioning as he put his fork down. “You sure you don’t want any, Levi?”

“I think I’m good.”

“You sure? I ordered enough for two.”

Eyeing the number of boxes spread out, it looked to me that he had ordered enough for at least four people. Not wanting to see food go to waste, I gingerly picked up a pair of chopsticks. “I’ll have a little.”

“Eat as much as you want.” His eyes turned to look at my hands. “I didn’t know you could use chopsticks! You gotta teach me how to do that.”

“Maybe next time.” I answered feebly, not wanting to waste time teaching him how to use chopsticks. It would only serve to mislead Eren into thinking there was something _more_ between us, when there wasn’t. “Finish eating before it gets cold.”

The next couple of minutes were spent engaging in useless small-talk. The normally oppressive silence wasn’t oppressive at all as Eren lobbed random questions at me, such as how I ended up learning how to use chopsticks, or what my favorite food was. I humored him here and there, but like before, he did most of the talking and I merely listened.

It was easy to lose track of time of where I was with the flow of conversation. There was a way about him that nearly made me forget about the reservations I had towards him. He was still very much a nosy brat, but it didn’t annoy me the same way that Erwin’s snooping did. My adoptive brother was like a doctor, continually picking and searching for the root of the problem, utilizing both a scalpel and laser. In contrast, Eren was like a naïve toddler, poking innocently and asking questions, in a manner that almost had me believing that he _cared_. He certainly did, but I had been through enough to know that at the first sign of trouble, he would turn tail and leave me behind. It was what everyone had done. Everyone else had someone more important to them. I was just an interloper with issues.

Dismissing the increasingly morbid thoughts, I refocused on Eren who had paused midway through a question. Despite his attempt to hide it, I could see the unasked desire for exploring more mundane, plebian pursuits with him.

Weighing my options was rather simple. I could continue replying no and have Eren force a confrontation that would leave with neither of us satisfied. Or I could suck it up for an hour or two and keep him mollified. If possible, it was always better to control the situation.

Deciding to feed the beast and keep him happy, I opened my mouth preemptively. “Oi, what’re your plans this Friday?”

“Levi?” He asked him, confused.

“If you’re free, let’s go grab that shitty cup of coffee you keep asking me about.”

The glimmer in his eyes immediately brightened, before his eyes narrowed once more. “I should be free for a bit in the morning… But I thought you didn’t like coffee?”

“Tch, tea then.” I hid the pleased expression that threatened to show behind my cup.

The shitty brat had remembered that I hated coffee.


	11. Chapter 11

September eighteenth.

_Tap._

The faint drip of the water droplets hitting the kitchen sink echoed in the early morning as I lay on the sofa, uncaring how disheveled I was or that I hadn’t cleaned my place yesterday. Each year, as the anniversary of her death approached, my mind and body slowly dulled, paralyzed in grief.

I was aware of having some other commitment, but my brain wouldn’t cooperate, rerunning memories from my past like a broken tape-recorder. On and on it spun, shining flickering memories of my past onto the back of my eyes, spotted and imperfect like the rest of me.

_Tap._

Today was the day she died and Farlan disappeared. The day all joy vanished from my life. Where vibrant colors disappeared into murky grey. It was the worst mistake of my life and no apologies would ever make it right.

Nothing I did ever would enable me to forget. Nothing would warm the chill inside of me. Nothing would ever right the grave mistake I had committed.

She was dead and I was still alive.

_Tap._

More than a decade had passed, and I should have healed by now, but I hadn’t. The memories in my mind were as salient as they had been all those years back, but they weren’t perfect anymore.

Every passing moment made it a little more difficult to recall the exact shade of crimson of Isabel’s hair. Every ticking second that passed marked another one since the last time I had heard her call me big bro. Every rise and fall of the sun was another day that went on in which it became more difficult to remember the features of her face or how many freckles dotted her cheeks.

Isabel Magnolia was a name only a few people knew. If I died, there would probably be no one who would be able to remember her. Farlan, perhaps, but there was a possibility that he hadn’t survived either. The two of them had been very close, having lived together for a few months before I was taken in.

Izzy was one of the most loving, caring individuals on the planet and she was gone.

_Tap._

I couldn’t even grieve properly. Izzy’s body was an ocean away, buried in one of those nameless graves since no one cared for an orphan who committed suicide. I had no idea what happened to her after I was pulled away by the police. She might have been cremated, buried with other bodies, or even used for something worse. I could never place flowers on her grave or speak to her as if she was in front of me. There was nothing to commemorate her existence except for what I had in my mind. No one to share in my grief over her death.

My regrets I had were innumerable. If I hadn’t mentioned wanting to see the world beyond, to leave the decrepit building we called home, to escape… none of it would have happened.

My life was penance to the sins I had committed, but the music dedicated to them wasn’t even close to being enough. No matter how I hard I tried, it was impossible to hear their laughter, sing songs to lull them to sleep, or feel their tiny hands in mine. I didn’t even have any keepsake to remember them by. Anything and everything I had to remember them by was in my brain, largely inaccessible and fading over the years.

_Tap, tap, tap._

The tapping changed in frequency and loudness, but I ignored it, lost too deeply in thought.

Would there be a time in which my memories too faded the way Izzy’s life had? Every year it became more difficult to recall the exact pitch of her laughter, the exact words she said to me, the details of our past. I wanted to hang on and hold them tight, but the memories had a will of their own, tickling the edges of consciousness and flitting just out of reach before fading into nothingness.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

It came again, this time resembling a boom more than a tap. Groggily getting up from the coach where I had lain, I ambled over to turn the sink off. Pushing the handle down, I frowned at the lack of sound.

One second later, I realized the new sound wasn’t coming from the kitchen.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

“He… you… there?”

This time it was accompanied by muffled words.

Finally attributing the tapping to whomever was outside my front door, I dragged my feet over, rubbing a hand over my face in exhaustion. Whoever it was better have a good reason for disrupting me. All I wanted to do was lie down and grieve.

“Hey Levi! Levi, are you in there?” Eren’s voice carried through the thick wooden door. “I texted you two days ago and tried calling you earlier, but there was no reply, Is everything okay?”

Mustering what little strength I had, I yelled out. “Yeah, what do you want?”

My voice was gravelly after hours of disuse. I was always like this in this period. I couldn’t eat or drink, didn’t sleep, and merely lay there unresponsive to the world.

“I thought we planned to meet to grab tea after your run? I waited by the boardwalk, but I didn’t see you running. Figured you might have slept in, so I grabbed some burgers and beers from the place around the corner before coming here.”

 _Right_. I dully recalled some vague promise I had made to Eren. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but apparently it had meant something to him. My silence spurred him into action as he pounded loudly on the door again. The neighbors could probably hear him with the racket.

“Mind opening the door?”

My instinct was to shut him out, but I was too tired to fight his request. Whether he came in and saw the sorry state I was in didn’t matter. Nothing did. I was a broken automaton, unable to think for myself and merely moving in response to the world around me.

“Fine.” I responded, shuffling my feet closer to the door. It wasn’t as though he’d be able to hear me if I wasn’t raising my voice. My limbs were heavy and uncooperative, my hand icy cold, as I reached out towards the lock. The short distance which normally took no longer than a couple of seconds to reach felt like an eternity at the snail’s pace I moved at.

“Lev–” I was glad when the brat’s loud mouth was cut off, eyes wide in surprise when the door swung open. “Where–”

He doubled back, head bobbing up and down as he took my appearance in.

“Woah, what happened to you? I’m sorry, but you look like shit, Lee.”

“Meh.” I shrugged, trudging lifelessly back inside. I wasn’t sure what I looked like, having not paid attention to my reflection in the mirror, but ‘shit’ was an apt description of how I felt.

“Seriously… was that a beard you’re growing?” The sounds of shoes being tossed to the ground and the slam of a door accompanied his rushed footsteps. Frowning, I raised a hand to my chin, feeling the day-old stubble prickling my hand. Distantly, I made a mental note to shave it off, but I couldn’t be bothered to worry about personal hygiene at all. Not today at least.

“Is everything okay, Levi?”

“I’m fine.” I was alive.

What else could a person ask for? Wealth, love, and everything else was irrelevant. One couldn’t spend money with they were dead; they couldn’t seek love when they were gone. Life was the most fundamental thing and because of my naiveté, Izzy had been denied hers.

“You don’t look fine.” Eren stressed, surveying me up and down once more. “I’ve never seen you like this before. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

It was the truth.

Literally nothing had happened.

I could do nothing as Isabel was assaulted.

I could nothing when she said her goodbyes.

I had nothing. Could do nothing. Had done nothing.

I was nothing.

“Really?” He asked me skeptically. “You look like you need a shower, food, and sleep. It’s a good thing I brought food.” I barely heard his words, but they somehow registered in the back of my head. Eren reached out and grabbed my hand, an action that would normally have elicited a stronger reaction, but I merely stumbled along as he dragged me to the table. Pushing me to sit, he pulled out the wrapped burger inside his brown bag and placed it in my hand. “Here, eat it while it’s still warm.”

I stared at the greasy object wrapped in light yellow and stamped with some random colors in my hand. The salty, juicy aromas were completely foreign to my mind. Sights, sounds, smells, and taste were all meaningless. My stomach told me to bite into it, but the sensation of hunger existed on a different mental plane. The only thing I could feel, if it was even considered a feeling, was emptiness. I was but an unfeeling, hollow shell.

“What’s with you, Lee?” Eren stared at me for a moment before grabbing the burger from my hand and unwrapping it. “Here. Eat.”

Shoving it back into my grip, he urged it to my lips. I automatically opened my mouth, going through the motions of biting down and chewing. It tasted bland, tasteless despite the warmth and smells. I repeated the motion robotically, never actually tasting what I was eating.

“Want a beer?”

I ignored the question, continuing the slow motions of biting, chewing, and swallowing, never tasting what I was actually ingesting. I didn’t even understand why I was eating, but it was easier to go through the action than to argue about it.

“Okay, then.” The brunet took my silence in stride, popping open a beer and taking a long swig of it before reaching into the brown bag once more. Opening his own wrapped burger and digging in with gusto, Eren didn’t bother me as I continued the mechanical motions of eating. My unexpected guest’s actions were completely foreign to me, but whatever it was, he was enjoying it, moaning around mouthfuls of food. The complete opposite of me.

We ate in silence, the crinkle of the wrapping paper and thud of the bottles were the only sounds. There were a few times I felt piercing green watch me, as though wanting to ask me something, but no words were spoken. He forced a second wrapped patty in my hand after I finished the first one, insisting that I needed to eat it. I didn’t have it in me to argue and complied, once more going through the mechanical actions, but never really tasting anything.

When the contents of the brown bag were finally finished, I sat there blankly, watching as Eren collected our trash and threw it away. The rest of the beers were similarly thrown into fridge.

“So…” he sat back down and faced me. A look of fierce concern etched on his face. “Want to tell me what’s wrong? You look like you need a friend.”

A friend? I didn’t need a friend. The only thing that could redeem my sorry existence was if someone could turn back the clock and save Isabel from my folly.

But that was impossible.

“Levi?” He asked again, cocking his head in apprehension.

“She died today.” I replied dully, unable to quell the grief in my voice. My shields were nonexistent at the moment; all mental resources I had were completely drained. There was no point in withholding the truth. Even if I tried to put up a resistance or talk it away, it would eventually come out.

“Who died?” Eren’s tone was tinged with panic. “Petra?” He immediately whipped out his phone, ready to call our mutual acquaintances.

“Isabel.” Her name tumbled out like a whisper, as though revealing the truth would somehow erase her existence from the world.

“Umm… who’s Isabel?”

“No one.” I mumbled, staring at the brunet sitting across from me but not really seeing him. Hearing her name brought forth memories of her bleeding out. It was the last time I had been able to call her by her name. “She’s dead and it’s all my fault.” I dropped my head into my hands.

“It’s okay, Levi…” Eren ushered, his voice comforting and low, right next to me. I could feel his body warmth cocoon me, arms wrapping around me like a blanket.

“No it’s not.” The world would never be ‘OK’ again. I had failed to keep her safe. I was the reason she was gone. “It should have been me…”

No matter how much I claimed to be living for her, it would never bring her back to life. Isabel would never be able to see colors of the world, smell the scents of spring, taste the falling rain, or feel the world beneath her feet. She had barely experienced anything in life before it had ended.

“Okay, Levi.” There was a pause as he began lifting me to a standing position. “Why don’t we take a shower and help you get cleaned up. You like that right? Being clean.”

“What does it matter?” I questioned, staring vacuously into space. “She’s dead.” Being clean wouldn’t do anything. All it did was distance myself from the filthy squalor I grew up in. It was merely a way for me to forget the sorry existence I once had. Taking a shower wouldn’t wash away the sins of my past.

I could never braid her hair into those tiny pigtails again. I would never be able to hear her off-key singing.

Never again would I feel her sneaking under my covers during a lighting storm. Never again would I hear her requests for a bedtime story or lullaby.

“I know, I know. But come on. If anything, it’ll help you get warm.”

Only a small fraction of my mind was aware of Eren bringing me to the bathroom, helping me strip, and then getting into the shower with me. His hands were purposeful, non-sexual, as his fingers wove through my hair, working my scalp and then rinsing it over. When we were done, he toweled us off, and dragged me to bed. Although the hot water helped melt some of the chill in my limbs, it did nothing to soothe the frozen wasteland inside me.

“Why don’t we lie down? Will that make you feel better?” He spoke to me as though I was a child, using simple words and placating gestures.

“Meh.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but reflected the apathy inside me. I didn’t need to be babied by a kid who barely knew how to do the dishes. What I needed was a miracle. And no miracle would ever restore the dead from the grave.

“It’ll be okay, Lee. Just lie down and we can talk about this tomorrow.”

Not putting up much of a resistance, I found myself tucked into the bed without further ado. Eren left to turn off the lights, but a moment later, he had hopped in and I found myself with a living furnace beside me. The brunet’s steady drone of words, all of which sounded like nonsense in my ears, staved off any awkwardness as I simply lay there. Staring up at the ceiling, I wasn’t sleepy, but I was tired.

I don’t know who started it, but calloused fingertips moved across my body, leaving a warm trail behind. Lips trailed across my chest and throat, warming my frozen body up. Hard muscles pressed up against hard muscle. I selfishly clung onto him as we moved, seeking relief from the hollowness inside.

No words were spoken. It would have destroyed the spell cast across my consciousness.

There were no words of comfort, but I heard it all. Felt it in his every action. Experienced it.

His actions were hard enough to penetrate my awareness, but deliberate and controlled at the same time. I would have preferred it harder, rougher, and more brutal, until all I could do was feel, but he didn’t allow me that much leeway. I was under his control. My reactions involuntary, body moving as if I were a puppet. Under the guidance of his masterful touch I slowly came to life for a brief moment, cresting upwards but for a moment, before fading into a low hum once more.

Drowning. I was drowning in him, desperate to forget the emptiness inside of me. He was both the ocean trying to inundate me in its waters, and the life raft which kept me from sinking. He carried me ashore, and then dragged me back underneath the turbulent waters.

The last thought I had before waking up again was that I was sinking into the abyss.


	12. Chapter 12

My mind had no sense of direction as I navigated blindly in the everlasting darkness, pulled down by tendrils from the depths. Thought tickled at the edges of my consciousness, beckoning me to move my heavy limbs. Sluggishly, I forced my arms and legs to move. I had no idea what my destination was, but I kept going. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. Doubts and questions surfaced, filling my thoughts, taunting my inability as I struggled in the soundless void.

Who was I? Where was I? What had happened to me?

And most importantly, what was I running from? What was I looking for?

Every second that ticked by made it easier to push aside the grey fog in my mind. Pinpricks of light shone through the blackness as gradually I came to. Rousing from sleep, I opened my eyes, only to be blinded by the bright shafts of sunlight streaming through.

“Fuck!” Immediately throwing a hand over my eyes, I breathed heavily, awareness slowly flaring to life as my brain began connecting the dots. Like a machine rusty with disuse creaking to life, it whirred to life, piecing together what information it had.

Lowering my arm, I took in my familiar surroundings. Black silk linens tangled around me. The painfully bare room stripped of all but the necessities. Large windows, which were almost always covered by the blinds.

I was at home, in my own bedroom.

Squinting at the brightness, I cursed whoever had opened the blinds. I would _never_ have left them open like that. The large windows were the worst part of the apartment, bathing the entire place in golden light that was completely at odds with my being in the morning. I much preferred it at night, with the pale streaks of moonlight streaming through.

Sliding backwards until I was sitting up, I considered my situation. How had I gotten in bed in the first place? The last thing I seemed to remember was drowning… But I hadn’t been near any water lately.

Scratching dully at my chin, I grimaced at the day-old stubble running along my face. The rest of me felt similarly gross, as though I hadn’t showered in _days_. My skin was sticky and my hair was greasy.

Ripping off the comforter, I strode quickly to the adjoining bathroom. Not bothering to shut the door, I hopped into the shower, sighing as the hot water streamed over me. Scrubbing myself raw until I felt clean once more, I toweled myself off and stared in the mirror. While my eyes looked more rested than I had been in a long while, the black growth creeping up my chin and sides of my face looks anything but. Quickly shaving it off, I ran through the rest of my morning routine.

By the end time I returned to the bedroom, the sense of something being _off_ had returned. Picking up a pair of pants and my shirt that was sitting on the bedcovers, I frowned at where they were, thinking nothing of it as I checked them in the laundry basket. Putting on some clean clothes, I surveyed the room once more, searching for a difference. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but nothing else seemed out of place.

Ambling out of my bedroom, the nagging suspicion in my gut was proved right at the sudden sounds of sizzling coming from the kitchen. Heading for the sound, I wondered whether Erwin had decided to drop by, but my adoptive brother had never cooked for me before. Rounding the entryway to the kitchen, I was startled by sight of the tall, lanky brunet.

“Oh Levi! You’re awake.” I furrowed my brows at Eren’s chipper voice. His positive attitude was too much for me to take in right now.

“What are you doing here?” I growled. He shouldn’t even be inside my place. As far as I remembered, I hadn’t invited him over and Eren didn’t have the keys.

“Well you weren’t answering your phone or texts so I dropped by yesterday.” He seemed unconcerned, flipping a pancake in the air. It soared through the air, the thin layer spinning in a lazy arch before landing back down in a sizzle. My stomach rumbled, begging me not to do anything stupid and keep the peace until I was offered those glorious golden-yellow cakes. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Feel like shit.” It was as if a semi ran me over and then decided it wasn’t enough and dragged me across the street, only to run me over again. My head pounded dully, berating me for forgetting something important. The insistence that something was _wrong_ continually prodding the edges of my mind.

Ignoring the persistent discomfort, I aimed straight for the kettle, only to find that the water was already boiled. On the counter lay an empty cup and a small spoon next to it. Frowning, I picked up the cup and spoon, staring at them as though they were out of place.

Eren noticed my confusion as he pointed with his spatula. “It’s for you. Wasn’t sure when you were getting up, so I didn’t do anything else.”

“Oh.” I mumbled my thanks, moving automatically to find my tin of morning leaves. Spooning the appropriate amount out, I poured hot water in the cup, savoring as the earthy tones filled my nostrils.

There was a lull in conversation as he lifted out the first pancake and began pouring more batter into the pan. It was painfully domestic. Sipping my tea from the sidelines, I watched as he prepared breakfast. I didn’t ask to help and he didn’t ask for it.

When we finally sat down at the table to eat, my stomach had tied itself in knots, drooling in anticipation as he sprinkled icing sugar and squeezed a wedge of lemon over it before handing the plate over to me. I was surprised at his choice of condiments; most Americans would have doused it with syrup and butter, but Eren had done it way they did it back in Europe. Of course, luxuries such as what I had in front of me were rare and I could only remember having hotcakes with lemon and sugar once or twice.

“Oh, sorry. Force of habit.” Eren hesitated for a moment, eyes darting between the plate he had handed me and his own unadorned plate. “My parents always made it with lemon and sugar at home.”

“It’s fine.” I grabbed my fork and knife and cut into it, not bothering to explain he had prepared it the way I was used to. Subtle sweetness and hints of sour bloomed in my mouth, mingling exquisitely with the warm and soft goodness. The creation was much like its creator, embodying Eren’s positivity and caring, yet tinged with his fiery persistence and firm backbone.

I watched him repeat the process of sprinkling sugar and lemon juice on his plate, his eyes sneaking covert glances in my direction watching my reaction to his food. Shrugging off his poorly disguised spying, I refocused my attention on the food in front of me, savoring one of the better breakfasts I had had in a long time. Chewing thoughtfully, I let my mind wander, fitting together whatever stray pieces were in its path, much like those in a jigsaw puzzle. Except there was no guide or correct solution to compare it to.

“Did we fuck?”

The words spilled out before I could help myself. Judging from the ache in my ass, I was pretty sure we had sex, but I couldn’t remember much of anything. I might have been awake, but my mind was still playing catch up. The events from the past few hours were pretty much comprised of ghosting sensations and flickering grayscale scenes that seemed like they were from the 1950s.

Eren’s hands froze at my question, before he set down his utensils. It gave me the answer I needed though.

His next question shocked me even more.

“Who’s Isabel?”

My head shot up immediately, blood chilling to ice at the mention of her name. “How do you know that name?”

“Well, you kinda mentioned her yesterday…” Eren flinched at the intensity of my gaze.

I had a fuzzy memory of mumbling Izzy’s name aloud recently. Gradually the fog around my mind receded as I remembered the gist of what had happened. Forcing myself to act normal, I cut into the pancake and put it in my mouth, chewing slowly to gather my thoughts.

“What day is it today?”

“Uhh… the nineteenth of September? Is something the matter?”

“No.”

My throat was dry as the disconnected dots finally made sense. Like snowflakes falling from the skies, they suddenly came together. The discordant notes falling into place, fixing themselves together as my memories from the last twenty-four hours resurfaced. My wallowing in the anniversary of Isabel’s death. Eren’s untimely entrance. And then nothing.

“Are you okay?” He seemed to notice the change in my demeanor.

“Yeah…” Taking a much needed mouthful of tea, I frowned. If it was morning now, how long had I been asleep for? I couldn’t remember exactly when Eren had knocked on my door, but it had to have been sometime in the midmorning or early afternoon at the latest. “How… how long was I asleep for?”

“Almost a day.”

“A day?” My voice cracked.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to leave, so I stayed just to make sure you were fine, but you were mostly sleeping.”

How was that possible? Even getting a couple of hours was impossible for me most days. But if I had truly slept for the better part of a day, it was no wonder I had felt and looked like shit this morning.

“Umm… is everything okay? I don’t want to pry, but you mentioned something about Isabel dying yesterday and well…”

“It’s not that.” I mumbled, unable to help myself from correcting his error.

“Levi?”

“Yesterday was the anniversary of her death. Izzy…” I swallowed the lump of grief in my throat, forcing myself through the words to I could explain. Drilling holes at the table, I breathed in and out, lulling my mind into an artificial calmness. “Izzy’s been dead for over ten years now.”

“Oh.” His voice wavered. I refused to look him in the eyes and see the pity that would undoubtedly be there. I didn’t want his sympathy either. “Were you close?”

“Yes.”

We had been the closest. As close as any set of blood-born siblings. Our bonds had been forged in the trials and tribulations of our lives, strengthened each day by being next to one another. Until the day I had failed…

Eren picked up on my unwillingness to discuss Isabel and my guilt over her death, as he buried himself in the food. I followed suit, chewing slowly as I reevaluated his role in my life. The sourness of lemon seemed harsher and more biting than previously, stinging my mouth in the same way his questions had stung.

The messy-haired university student certainly wasn’t family. Nor was he a friend. Though we slept together and occasionally exchanged mundane conversations, Eren wasn’t one of those band groupies who got close for the sake of fame. We weren’t dating, and yet he made breakfast for me. Anyone else would have simply left and gone home. Sleeping with him was supposed to be a way to pass the time, and have some fun while doing so, but it had evolved beyond that. Eren’s existence presented a black box I had never encountered before. One that I was irrationally drawn to like a moth to flame, but also utterly terrified of unlocking. And so like many other things I had faced in life, I put it in another box, locked it tight, and shoved it into a storage room cluttered with other thoughts I didn’t want to think about.

Thinking of Eren did, however, remind me of what he did in his day-to-day life.

“Why aren’t you in class?”

“Worried about me failing? He teased back.

“No. I’m worried you’ll blame it on me if you do. Don’t want you banging on my door at two in the morning, shitty brat.”

He chuckled. I had seen Eren’s smiles. Happy ones. The sorrowful lingering ones. And ones tinged confused. But this was the first time I had heard him laugh like this. It was a hearty, full-throated sound coming from the depths of his stomach.

“I might pound on your door for other reasons, but definitely not that.” I scowled at the implication of what he was saying. “I’m only taking four this semester, one of which is independent study. So aside from Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I’m basically free.” There was a twinkle in his eyes when he continued. “Besides, it’s a Saturday.”

“Huh.”

“Say, if you’re free, wanna grab tea that tea we missed yesterday?” I could hear the hopeful lilt in his voice.

“Fine.” Agreement came easily as I considered my options. I could either wallow at home and get interrupted by the inevitable worried call from Erwin or make up for the platonic tea date with Eren I missed yesterday.

“But only after breakfast.”

I made a deliberate point of cutting into the food and bringing it up to my mouth.

“I can always make more later if you’re hungry.” Eren said, face completely serious.

“Shut up, brat.”

 

Returning home, I tossed the keys into a small bowl by the door and headed inside rerunning the events of the day in my head.

Tea with the brat hadn’t turned out so badly. It was a little tiring dealing with the questions he had about the different types when we first arrived, not even knowing the basics between black, green, and herbal varietals. And that was before the even finer distinctions such as rooibos, white, yellow, and fruit tea. Naturally, being a shitty brat, Eren had taken forever to choose one. When he finally made up his mind, he committed sacrilege by selecting the most disgusting sounding apple cinnamon abomination.

The experience wasn’t much different from the time he had coffee, but we weren’t interrupted by fan girls asking for an autograph. Nor were we surrounded by the pungent aroma of coffee. The two of us were the only ones in the shop aside from the employees, which made it easier for me to relax. And of course, the tea they served was excellent.

Conversation was again one-sided, but less so than before. It was eventually cut short by Eren’s phone ringing, but the hour spent there was enough. I paid and we parted ways, but not before he had asked me to hang out with him once more.

Saying ‘yes’ to a third meeting had come surprisingly easy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The beginning of the end...** but fear not, as the tags represent, there is a hopeful ending.

“Who were you just texting, Levi?”

“Nobody.” I grunted, checking the time as I pocketed my phone. My business was my business. I didn’t need Erwin nosing around. “You’re seven minutes late.”

“Sorry, traffic.” He didn’t seem one bit apologetic, as he slid into the opposite seat, flagging down a waiter in the process.

We made an unusual pair of brothers, one light and the other dark. One tall, the other short. One always smiling, though ingenuously some of the time, and the other constantly frowning. Erwin was the closest person to me, which was why I tolerated him, but at the same time, that made him one of the most distant. We had grown up together and he had seen me through some of my worst, which meant he understood my past. But it also meant he was unable to see the larger picture without our shared pasts muddying the present.

Our drinks came shortly, a gin and tonic for him and two fingers of scotch for me. Swiveling my second glass of the night around, I prepared myself for Erwin’s questions. Dinners with only the two of us were never just dinners. There was always an element of him checking to make sure I was alright and keeping me informed about our parents.

“How are things between you and Eren? Was it him you were just texting?”

I narrowed my eyes at his spot-on deduction. “How do you know him?”

“I’m sorry to say, but I haven’t had that particular pleasure.” The wry grin was deceptively casual on his face. “Hange tells me that the two of you have been spending quite a bit of time together lately. He comes to all the lives and the two of you often leave together. By all accounts, he sounds quite interesting and would be someone I’d like to meet.”

“Hmm…”

I knew exactly what my adoptive brother was implying. And there was no way I was going to willingly introduce him to Eren or vice versa. Both of them were curious enough, though to differing degrees and with different goals, but I shuddered to think what would happen if they were in contact with one another.

“Though, he’s not particularly a person I would have thought you’d spend a lot of time with.” Erwin was correct on that account. Had I met Eren under more ‘normal’ circumstances, I doubted I would even pay a second glance at the brown-haired kid. I barely paid heed to my surroundings beyond what was absolutely necessary.

“So?” The way Erwin discussed my matters made some hairs on the back of my neck prickle with unease. While I wasn’t quite sure what his agenda was, I didn’t appreciate him and his giant eyebrows meddling. It was bad enough the entire band kept tallies on our movements.

“I just want to know, is he treating you okay?” Shrew blue eyes turned towards me.

“Is he what?” I blinked a little confused at Erwin’s particular choice of words.

“Treating you okay. I mean, you’re not really sociable and you’ve never been in any particularly serious relationship before, so I’m a little worried. I hope things are going well between the two of you though?”

“The fuck, Erwin?” I frowned at the idea of Eren and I in that kind of relationship. At most we were friends with benefits, with benefits taking the bulk of the relationship. But that was as far as it got. “We’re not dating.”

And I was more than capable of taking care of myself.

“You’re not?” A furrow appeared between Erwin’s bushy caterpillar brows. “But I thought–”

“You thought wrong.” I interrupted, stopping his sentence in the middle. “He’s just a brat I can’t get rid of.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“ _Can’t_.” I gritted my teeth determinedly, forcing as much conviction into my tone as possible. It was in part to convince Erwin, but more so something I was trying to convince myself of. Erwin’s question was something I didn’t want to consider. Thinking about how much of my waking moments had become infected by Eren’s presence was dangerous. Awareness of the situation crept into my mind at odd intervals, increasingly often as of late, but I always forced it out of my head.

I had sex and slept around, but relationships were a can of worms. I didn’t do them, particularly ones which were romantic in nature. Back in the day, if someone would ask me out and I would go out with them just to get Erwin and his folks off my back. There was no feeling behind it and whatever interest they had in me quickly waned. Many breaking it off after coming to the forgone conclusion that I wasn’t who they thought I was. Some even accused me of leading them on without any intention of a committed relationship.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try – I had made an effort in the beginning – but no matter how many people I saw or slept with, there was a gulf between my world and theirs that would never be bridged. Smiling was impossible as there was no light in my life anymore. I couldn’t laugh and pretend to find some random story about drunks fighting funny, since it wasn’t. It wasn’t possible for me to nod welcomingly each time I saw them since I would much rather be elsewhere. But most importantly, I would never be able to reciprocate their feelings because I was dead inside.

My past relationships never lasted long. The longest one was perhaps a month at most. All too often they accused me of being cold and uncaring. One had even cheated on me and then blamed me for pushing them away; ironically enough, she had been the one to ask me out. In all, my experiences only made me more jaded than I had been before. I had never cared much about being in one, but consecutive failed ones made me give up the notion altogether.

“Really? From what I’ve heard it sounds to be the both of you.” Erwin’s expression said he didn’t really trust my words.

“When have I lied to you, Erwin?” I preached to Erwin’s knowledge of my character knowing that I wouldn’t enjoy the outcome if he continued to dig. I had already spent enough trapped in my own mind to know that under my bravado and façade that everything was fine was a reflection of myself that I had no wish to face.

At first few meetings had certainly been due to Eren’s insistence, but lately it was difficult for me to even must a resistance to his ideas. We had met up outside several times already in the last few weeks. Yesterday we had gone out to see some shitty movie he insisted on watching. And the week before that he had invited me to go to the aquarium with him. Often when we met during the night, he would cook breakfast the next morning. The shitty brat had even made me crack a smile once or twice, making me exercise those muscles which had long since atrophied from disuse.

Had I been less jaded, I might have believed that was happiness. But I knew it wasn’t. What I experienced was merely positive excitement magnified from dozens of interactions with the shitty brat. Inside I was still dead inside, still hollow.

“Fair point.” He paused, sipping his drink. “But Levi, even if what you’re saying is true–”

“It is.” I grunted, taking a sip of my own drink to steel myself against his upcoming argument.

“–are you sure you’re not hiding something? If not from me, then at least from yourself. You might not even be aware of it.” His shrewd blue eyes turned to me, analytic and thoughtful. “We grew up together and even though we’re not related by blood, I consider you my real brother.”

“I know.” Replying candidly as I swallowed the ball of saliva that had formed.

Family was something that I didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about. The Smiths had never been anything but supportive and loving. While it was a welcome change from the life I had before, it contrasted starkly with my past. After all I had done, I didn’t deserve to be treated with such affection and candor.

“So, Levi, if what Hange told me is true, then it certainly can’t be as one-sided as you’re describing it. Even I’ve noticed the subtle lightness in your gait compared to before even though we rarely see each other.”

And here was the Erwin I knew. The bloodhound: continually searching for the truth. Lulling people into a false sense of security before striking to get at one’s true essence. He would have been lethal as a lawyer. But as a doctor, he could more easily fuck with one’s mind in unhealthy ways.

“What are you saying, Erwin?” I rolled my eyes, well-versed in his routine.

“I don’t think I need to spell it out for you, Levi. You know what I’m talking about.”

“Fuck you.” I murmured, downing the glass in one go. Erwin was absolutely correct in not needing to say everything. Defending myself or denying his point would only make him pry deeper. It wouldn’t change the truth, however.

No matter how I tried to deny it or tried to run away from reality, somewhere along the line, what I craved from Eren had begun to change. Instead of mere physical pleasure, I had begun to desire his company.

I had no idea of how or when Eren’s existence had pervaded mine. But it had.

There was no insidious scheming that was Erwin’s trademark or bulldozing which was Hange’s thing. Instead, what Eren did was all natural. I had let down my walls because I didn’t think anything of it, but all it really meant was that I was completely at his mercy. I had slipped up majorly and now I was paying for it.

It terrified me how vulnerable I was to him, how large his existence pervaded mine, and how I desired more from the relationship I currently had with Eren.

Eren was dangerous and I needed it to stop.

 

Distancing myself from Eren came naturally. I did it all the same to those around me. I made a point to stop inviting him over and turned down invitations to meet outside our apartments. At first I had cut off all communication, but that only caused him to panic and bang on my door a week later. So I changed strategies and began lessening the contact I had with him, beginning by not replying to his texts as often. Naturally, he confronted me about it, but I shrugged it off.

He would leave me in the end, so this… this was just me preemptively doing it for him. It wasn’t as though I derived some sort of sick, sadistic pleasure from it.

Doing it affected me as well.

Peaceful sleep began to elude my nights once more, the nightmares resurfacing and haunting my dreams. All around my life were cues associated with him. The ocean which I ran along where we met. The kitchen table where I had spilled Izzy’s existence to him. The entryway in which he had stood waiting for me to let him in. My bed where I had lost myself in him.

Disconnecting myself from Eren wasn’t like pulling a plug and having it finishes, it was like ingesting a million pins, one at a time, until I felt sick to my stomach.

Finishing up my shower, I hit my forehead lightly against the cold tiles, forcing all extraneous thoughts, all my pain and doubts, to the side. I _would_ see this through. Even if it killed me to do so.

I stepped out of the change room, making short work of clothing myself as I returned to the room where my band mates were. It was bad enough my first thought when the concert was over was to text the brat and let me know where we were meeting and whether he was free, but the fact my hands had begun drafting the message without conscious thought was scarier. I had quickly deleted the text and ran into the shower without mentioning anything of the sort. He’d likely find out from Hange or someone else, but I could bide some time.

This was the first time we had performed a live since my decision to cut Eren from my life, and I had no idea what to expect. Petra and Hange were very much gung-ho about getting us together, often bringing him up in conversation whenever possible. I hadn’t told them of my decision as it would only make them interfere more. The rest of the band was much more tame in their interest, but they were interested nonetheless. Ignoring the questions as we piled into a filthy taxi, I did my best to zone out.

Eren was already there when we arrived the bar, so I made a point of staying near the counter, ordering drinks and pretending to be engaged in a conversation with the bartender, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. More than once I caught Eren looking our way, but remained resolutely where I was. He eventually gave up, shooting me a bewildered frown as re-engaged Petra in conversation.

Several times one of them had come over and asked if I was alright, but I waved them away. Eren, too, had come over, but I dismissed him as well.

Ordering another drink, I felt sick amidst the shitty music and smell of beer. Guilt over ignoring Eren when he had done nothing wrong – I had merely flown too close to the sun – and the ever-present numbness from performing played off one another, increasing my discomfort hundredfold.

Scanning the patrons around the bar, my eyes landed on a random guy several stools down nursing his own drink. Tossing the rest of my drink down my throat, I hopped off the stool and approached him with a singular goal in mind. Sliding back into habits ingrained over the years came naturally as he finally gave me a nod, pulling out a wallet and paying his bill before standing up.

Disregarding the hurt look in Eren’s eyes and the uncomfortable churning in my gut, I turned back to the nameless guy I had chosen and walked out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

After one last check in the mirror, I buttoned my coat and left the condo to meet with Eren. It was a meeting I had been anticipating over the last couple of weeks. I had no idea what he wanted to say, but the text he sent me was much more formal than I had ever known him to be.

It was a quick five minute drive to the coffee shop and another minute to park the car before I was at the door. Of all the places Eren could have suggested we meet, it made me wonder why he had picked the same café he had introduced me to. He knew I didn’t like coffee, so unless he wanted to piss me off or had the memory of a worm, I couldn’t understand his intentions in asking me to meet him here. It was midway between our apartments, but there were many other cafes and places that would have worked just as well. There was no need for it to happen at this particular coffee joint.

Pulling the café door open to the scent of roasted beans, I didn’t even bother looking at the menu. Instead, I immediately sought out and found Eren sitting in a booth tucked against the far wall. The same one we had sat in previously. Striding purposefully towards him, I slid into the seat and pulled off my jacket.

It had been nearly three weeks since I had laid eyes on him. I had seen him from afar, but avoided any direct one-on-one contact with him. It had been three god damn weeks of self-torment and purposely avoiding his texts. I tried everything, drowning myself in music, scotch, and sex to deal with the guilt inside me. It had dulled the edge, but not by much.

“Eren.” His eyes looked up at the sound of my voice.

I could see a trace of black in his eyes, a hint of darkness that I had never seen before. Unlike the brilliant emerald I had seen in others, Eren’s eyes resembled malachite, blended with different hues of green, darker at some points and then lighter at others, changing based on the lighting and his emotions. Right now those colors were unusually dull, smeared with grey. Faint circles surrounded his eyes, showing just how tired he was.

I wanted to reach out, hold his hand, and ask what was wrong. But that would undo everything I had sought to do and make it more difficult to tear myself away. I was a moth drawn to the brightness that he exemplified, a cruel and hot flame that was fierce and warm, life-giving, but at the same time could cause irrevocable damage.

In some sense he already had. Whilst there were others whom I had in my life, none of them affected me as strongly the way Eren did. The last few partners I had randomly selected had all reminded me of Eren in some way. One of them had the same messy hairstyle. Another had his cocky grin. A third had skin reminiscent of honeyed caramel. But none of them were accurate depictions of the emerald-eyed brunet in front of me. None of them even came close to the dazzling brightness that was his very existence. Eren was one of a kind in my eyes. That uniqueness was what drew me to him, but also gave me pause.

“Hey Lee- Levi.” He hastily corrected to using my proper name mid-statement. The brash recklessness or bubbly optimist was nowhere to be found for once. “Thanks for coming.”

Just seeing Eren and hearing his voice was enough to make me regret pulling away from him.

Like the luster in Eren’s eyes, my appetite had faded into nothingness. Everything was sawdust and paper lately. Sweet, salt, and sour were all empty. Bitterness was the only thing my palate could detect. Each time I passed a Chinese restaurant, I recalled his love of kung pao chicken. Every note in the ice cream truck jingle made me recall his sweet tooth and love of the frozen treat. Each whiff of coffee dredged up memories of him and his fondness for the abhorrent drink.

Sleep too had eluded me these days. Not only I did my ongoing nightmares returned, but I kept seeing him in my dreams, looking back at and walking away. His existence invaded both night and day for me. Thoughts and questions I had, but never voiced, bubbled up as I studied his face.

How was he doing?

Did he miss me?

Did he come to the show?

But those were thoughts I could do without. Thoughts I didn’t want.

Just like him. I wanted Eren the same way a junkie wanted his next fix. I certainly didn’t need him to survive, but I desperately wanted him.

“So what’d you want to talk about?” I grunted gruffly to hide the turmoil inside my head.

“I was thinking…” He started, hesitatingly.

“About…?”

His usually expressive voice gave nothing away. While I was better at reading people than before, I still sucked at their intentions. Navigating the subtleties of human interaction were confusing and much too complex for me to keep up with. And even if I could understand the angle they were coming from or the underlying meaning of their speech, I had difficulties dealing with the emotions they assumed I had. Eren had never been subtle, but if he wanted me to pick up on some unspoken message, he was preaching to the deaf.

“I can’t do this anymore.” The words tumbled out. Resignation was all over his voice. The same weariness I contended with every second of every day was in his. The pain that he tried to disguise.

“Do what?” I echoed, as a sense of foreboding crept up my spine. I knew exactly what Eren was about to say, but I wanted to be sure of it.

“This casual friends with benefits thing between us.” He gestured with his finger pointing at me and then back at him.

“So you want to do what exactly…?”

My assumption wasn’t wrong, but I continued to play the naïve card. I wanted Eren to be the one to express it. I felt guilty enough after everything I had done, but I _needed_ it to be this way. I had done everything possible to bring us to this point and the guilt eating away at me was evidence of that, but I was too weak to deliver the final blow.

“I know I agreed, but I really can’t.” There was a sad smile on his face, the sparkle in Eren’s eyes fading into a dull sheen. “I thought that maybe after some time I’d ask you out again and stuff, but given everything that’s happened, I don’t think that’s possible.”

“What do you mean?” I furrowed my brow in confusion. Ask me out for what? And what did he mean by _everything_?

“You haven’t been replying to my texts and I… I-I’ve seen you leaving with other guys.” His nervousness was reflected in the random lines he drew on the table with his finger.

“So?” I instinctively defended my actions, ignoring the hurt that flashed across his face. I was aware Eren had been invited and attended some of the after-parties, but I hadn’t cheated. No promises had been made between the two of us, so there had been no wrongdoing on my part.

“You want out?” I hardened my voice. ‘We’ would have eventually come to an end – these things always did – all I had done was given it a shove in the right direction.

“It’s not just that.” Eren’s words evoked a deep sense of dread inside me as he paused and raised his head to look straight at me. “I like you, Levi. I like you a lot.”

The words coming out of his mouth were ones I had heard before, and yet, they evoked a response inside me that I had long since forgotten. They woke up my dead beating heart.

But that joy was immediately and brutally torn apart by the broken expression in those magnificent green pupils as he looked straight at me without batting an eyelid. I had been the one to suck the joy out of his visage. The one responsible for making him resemble the walking dead.

“But I can’t keep doing this. I want to date you. Spend nights together at your place or mine. Go see shows and walk around the park. I want to spend time with you and be exclusive. But that doesn’t seem to be what you’re looking for.”

It certainly wasn’t. Part of the reason I had sought other partners out was precisely because I had already become too attached, too dependent, and grown too close to Eren. It was dangerous. I didn’t do intimacy.

“And I can’t just sit here and keep waiting and hoping that one day you’ll change your mind.” Eren smiled sadly at me. The lights in his eyes had grown progressively dimmer with every word he spoke.

My mind felt strangely detached from my heart as I listened with one ear at what Eren was saying. The logical side of me was nodding and agreeing that I would never be what the brunet wished for. I had tried being the doting boyfriend before, but it never worked out. Being unable to _feel_ the same emotions, to share the same joys and sorrows, to bask in the sun and bathe in moonlight, was something I couldn’t do. It was a failing I was never able to overcome. And Eren deserved something better than a broken man who continued to exist in the past.

It wasn’t something I wanted to do. It was something I _had_ to do. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe I was dreaming. But I had done this for both of us. For his sake as well as mine.

“Is that all?” I chided the inner voice inside me which was screaming and telling me not to say something I would later regret.

The sooner he was free from me, the sooner he could be enjoy life to its fullest. See the red, green, and gold changes in season with someone else would who be able to be there for him in the thick and thin of it all. Eren was the brightest star in the sky and he deserved someone able to shine by his side. Not me, a pallid, sorry parasite that had latched on and was causing him anguish.

“Well… I wasn’t sure if I should tell you, but someone asked me out a few days ago and I said I’d think about it. I mean if _we’re_ over, then why not?” He looked a little uncomfortable looking me in the eye, a fact I took great pleasure in knowing. I was glad that I wasn’t the only one being hurt by these proceedings. “But yeah, that’s basically it.”

I could see the candor expression behind his aquamarine gaze. It was a look that was asking me to lay down the walls and accept him in.

But I couldn’t. Everything I had done in the past few weeks was to protect him. To protect _me_.

Even if I hadn’t begun ignoring him, there was no way a relationship between us could last. I knew I was being selfish, but the prospect of losing myself in him was terrifying. He’d eventually grow tired of dealing with my sorry ass and move on. All I did was speed up the process by a couple of months.

“Err… is there something you want to say?”

“I…” I did my best to control my voice, but the waver at suddenly being without him still found its way out. The skill I had mastered over time, flattening my expression and keeping all emotions at bay, was useless when facing Eren. In the past, it was easy to say goodbye without batting an eye. I never regretted doing so. But going through it with Eren was more difficult than I had imagined. My insides were ripping themselves apart, words clawing at me, desperate to escape. There was a ball lodged in my throat so to speak. His pain was clear as day.

Even if we got together, there was a high chance we wouldn’t eventually come to an end. Wasn’t it logical to end things now then? We would avoid all the anguish and pain later down the road.

But _could_ I bear losing him? The last couple of days without him cut into my soul. It was a sensation I wished never to feel again.

I was a roadside dandelion, struggling to stand, and he was the sun, glowing brightly. Being drawn to Eren’s radiance was a natural instinct, and forcing myself apart left me withering and colorless, slowly dying from the inside out.

I was the one who set off the chain of events which had led here, yet I felt no joy at our ending.

The truth was that I wanted to feel his warmth when I woke up every morning and feel his skin against mine before falling asleep. I wanted that smile to be the first thing I saw each day. I wanted to hear his silly stories and rambles.

“Let me think about it?” I finally exhaled, unable to process everything. The devil in me urged me to call it off, but I couldn’t. Eren’s face mirrored the devastation within me. The glassiness in his eyes receded a bit, a small spark showing up once more as he looked at me, but the shadows were still there. “Umm… I’ll call you by the end of the week?”

He nodded mutely.

Despite the agreement, I knew he was slipping away and eternally out of my grasp.

“See you at one of the shows?” I quickly added, not quite ready to let him slip out of my life so quickly. At least I would be take solace in knowing he was out there, maybe only a few hundred feet away.

“…I don’t know.”

“Petra and the rest of them will be happy to see you.” It was true. Eren _had_ formed a tight bond with other members from the band – they talked about him regularly and often asked me to invite Eren to our practices and shows. But I was twisting the truth to suit my own selfish needs.

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.” He gave him, voice trembling slightly. Eren’s bright green eyes never met mine as he spoke, staring down at the table. He had already come to a conclusion. The worst of them, in fact. The resignation showed in his voice, eyes, and demeanor. _I_ had put it there and was the root of his pain. “Just call me whenever…”

The sight of him shuffling out of the safe with a sad smile on his face lingered long in my mind after he had left.

 

The first few days, as painful as they were, I mustered through them by convincing myself it was for the best. But with each morning, it became more difficult to push the pain at bay. It had been five days since he had left me there alone at the café, and I was at my wit’s end.

“Why?” I cried out to the silence of the room. Why had this happened?

Before Eren, I had been content being the odd man out. Loneliness was normal. Since Izzy died and Farlan left, I grew used to being by myself. It didn’t matter if I had no one to celebrate my birthdays or anyone to talk to during those nights alone. I had accepted it.

Erwin, my parents, the band… they all cared, but there were always others whom they cared more about. Erwin had Hange. Petra and Oluo had each other even if they didn’t act like it. Eld had his kid. I had never met her, but I knew Gunther was seeing someone too. The Smiths might have welcomed me into their family, but there was always this subtle unseen distance between us. We had no shared pain to build off, no shared understanding. And blood _was_ thicker than any paper bonds.

Eren had given me a taste of that for a time. A seat at the fire for a night against the frigid cold. But now that Eren was gone, I could feel the void welcoming me back into its fold, digging its claws into my soul. The cold emptiness was colder than ever before. The hollow numbness was bleak in comparison to the days of laughter and sunshine. He had brought light back and all of a sudden it was gone. Lost to me forever. I had only just begun to enjoy life once more and being thrust back into the bleak existence was unbearable. My feet and hands were frozen, reflecting the tundra wasteland blizzarding inside me. Even if I screamed, no one would hear me.

I stumbled to the piano room, hoping that music would save me once more. But no relief came. Each time I put my fingers on the keys, I became paralyzed, seized by the memory of a familiar set of tanned fingers stumbling over the same black and white ivory keys. The melancholic notes only served to remind me of Eren’s green eyes gazing upon me as I played for him. The pained expression as he accepted my words and called it off. The soundless tears I could hear him crying.

Unable to bear it, I slammed my hands on the keys, the loud clang reflecting my own powerlessness. Somehow, somewhere down the line, his presence had become a permanent fixture in my life, in the same way Erwin and Hange were.

Stalking to the liquor cabinet, I poured some whiskey in a glass, uncaring that it sloshed out of the edges and onto my hand. I could see myself reflected in the amber class. A small child crying because I was all alone once more. I knew it was my fault, but fear of failure and the inevitable breakup if we were to pursue something more substantial kept me from speaking out.

The amber liquid also reminded me of Eren’s hair in the sunlight, strands of chocolate shining in the sun. Golden in every sense of the word.

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him such as ‘why me’ or ‘what he thought the chances were of something working out between us.’ So many words I wanted to say, such as asking him not to leave or apologizing for my callous actions. Even begging for him to take me back. But I had no right to ask him to take me back, to accept me into his life after what I had done. To jeopardize his happiness with my selfishness.

I picked up my phone ready to end things, but that would be a complete end.

There would be no second chances, no more waiting. It wasn’t as though he were dating or anything serious – it was just supposed to be some harmless fun – but he had fallen in too deep… and I… I couldn’t bear his departure. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I didn’t want him to leave me. But I had to… didn’t I?

Staring at his number and the smiling selfie he had shot and forced upon my phone, doubted warred inside me.

There _was_ a chance, minute and almost invisible, that it _could_ work out. The question was whether I was willing to put everything on the line for such a small hope. I would be completely shattered if it didn’t work out. The question was whether I was willing to bet on that small chance or not.

For the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do.

Decisions had always come easy for me. My life was motivated by a single goal. Penance.

Music might be cathartic, but it didn’t allow me to live the same way my life had been since Eren had taken over. Being with him wasn’t penance. It was happiness and joy. And I didn’t know if I deserved such light in my life. Eren shone a light on the lingering shadows, revived deadened parts in me. With him, I finally experienced _life_.

The longer I stared at the silly smile he had on in the tiny photo, the less sure I was of anything.

The only thing I was sure of was the present. The past was immutable and stretched farther out of reach every day. But the present was here. And so was I. But to put all my hopes on a sliver of a chance…

Regardless, a choice needed to be made. Even if it was one I might come to regret it one morning and every morning after that, I didn’t regret it _now_. Pushing the ‘call’ button, I breathed in deeply and waited for Eren to pick up.


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who supported me through this. The readers who waited patiently for a fic that was supposed to be complete months ago. And everyone else for dealing with my craziness.
> 
> I know the way I ended the previous chapter wasn't necessarily the greatest, but I felt it was the best way since really that's where Levi's new journey began in essence. This (the epilogue) is merely showcasing what that journey has been like thus far.
> 
> * * *

“Thank you. Thank you guys for umm… being here tonight. So… as you guys all know, my solo album – Wings of Freedom – comes out this week.” I spoke with a bravado I didn’t feel, wondering how Petra did this every single performance. I could feel the rest of my band behind me, pairs of eyes supportive and encouraging, urging me to continue.

It had taken delicate planning not to let Eren find out ahead of time, but it would pay off in the end. Weeks of practice had been dedicated to this one thing, and there was no way I was going to screw it up. I would crucify myself before doing so. I was also performing the other solo pieces begun long ago, which had finally been completed after much soul searching, later tonight, but they were inconsequential compared to what I was about to do.

“And so, I’m going to be singing one of those pieces for you guys right now.” A loud cheer went up and I waited until the hubbub had died slightly before continuing. “It’s called Drowning in You, and written for a special green-eyed brat in the crowd.” The sudden buzz from the audience barely registered in my mind.

“Thank you for being there when I needed it, and thank you for being _you_ , Eren.”

None of the words I was saying really registered as I spoke into the microphone with a calm confidence that I certainly did not feel. It was difficult to spot Eren in the crowd, but I knew where he was and being able to envision, in my mind’s eye, the fond expression on his face was enough to keep me from caving under the pressure. The other pieces I had created for the solo were just as important and part of me as this one, but this one was special in its own way.

Padding over to the piano, I took a deep breath in before I began to play. After endless hours of practice and tweaking the song to perfection, I knew it by heart. Pressing my foot on the pedal, I began with the slow quadruple meter rhythm, strangely conscious of the number of eyes and ears focused intently on the stage.

Performing a new piece on stage wasn’t the issue; it was the rawness of being in the open. It was from broadcasting who I felt and the truths buried within myself to the whole world. But it was the most appropriate manner to express myself.

There was no shield protecting me from outside. It didn’t matter if I was Levi, Rivaille, or someone else entirely. I was _me_. Forged from the trials and tribulations of my past, and brought to life by Eren’s love and affection. Becoming emotionally attached to those around me had always been an issue; everyone had accused me of being cold. And I was. But Eren took it all in stride with his fiery stubbornness that continued to surprise me to this day.

You don’t know how much it hurts to see you cry  
I’d much rather die than see your pain  
I’m sorry I’m a motherfucking wreck

Things had been difficult those first few days after his confession. We hadn’t started dating immediately, but taken time knowing each other as individuals first. And from there, we had gradually become ‘Levi and Eren.’ Dating me was certainly a difficult endeavor, yet after all the pain I had put him through, he stuck by my side.

Every day that I woke up and saw him was another day I was thankful for. Each sunrise met with him by my side was another blessed day. Every hearty laugh or loving smile was yet another moment I cherished.

You touch me so innocently  
So stop, cause I ain’t gonna break  
I’m already drowning in you  
Carried away on the waves of your heart

It was difficult at first, finding a balance that I was comfortable with. One didn’t just magically recover from what I had been through or what I had done. My nightmares weren’t completely gone, but waking up to Eren by my side helped. A lot. There were also times when we fought, instances where I just needed to be left alone, but Eren was too stubborn of a brat to take the crap I pulled, and I appreciated him all the more for it. I wasn’t so much a wreck these days. Despite how much I how many bad days I had or how much I pushed him away, he remained. We still had disagreements, but worked through them together. While he occasionally had displays of brashness and immaturity, Eren also knew when to stop and act like the mature, young man he was.

None of it would have been possible without his tenacity or his love. He didn’t try to coddle me like everyone else, bludgeoning his way through as was with his personality. But there were instances when Eren showed restraint as well. Times when he treated me like something precious. And times when his raw determination had pulled me out from my own ass.

I can see it in your eyes  
See the shadows you try and hide  
I’m sorry for making you cry

The brat – and Eren he was still very much a brat – was noble, in the very definition of the word, generous, and determined. I had never met anyone who made me feel this way, but he made me want to be a better version of _me_.

Thanks to Eren’s encouragement (and his hardheaded stubbornness), I was slowly changing and opening up to those around me. I had my issues and they were would never fade fully, but I was trying to reach a point at which they didn’t control my life or define who I was. Till now, my life had been ongoing penance paid towards the injustices I had committed to Izzy and Farlan. But I was gradually learning to live for myself. I would never completely be free of the chains, but I didn’t need to remain locked up in the basement, existing as a prisoner.

I was becoming less ‘dead’ and more ‘human’ so to speak.

Even then I’m falling for you  
Falling in those sea-green eyes of yours  
Drowning as the ocean swallows me whole  
Drowning till I can’t breathe  
Drowning till you fill my every breath  
I’m drowning in you…

I could feel the audience’s energy flowing through me as I finished the first run of the chorus. It was gratifying to know that they enjoyed my music. Yet none of it mattered compared to the one person who did. The one person to whom this was dedicated to.

I hoped Eren knew what I was singing – he would have to be completely oblivious to not pick up on it – but more importantly, what it represented. He expressed his feelings for me on an almost daily basis, and it always kept me up when I imagined how shitty I was at reciprocating. It wasn’t that I didn’t, but all those fluffy expressions of love and hearts everywhere weren’t my style.

Dusk falls and I’m not afraid if you’re by my side  
In the shadowy dark I’ve left behind  
Close my eyes you’re all I see

We still had some issues. Eren wasn’t much of a slob these days, but there were certainly habits he had that frustrated me and vice versa. One of the hardest to break had been his tendency to leave dirty dishes and cups in the sink for later. I didn’t mind if he cleaned it up after an hour or two, but once in a while they would be there for a good half day or longer, which was disgusting.

On my end, I was trying my best to open up and be more forthright about everything. My past. The current insecurities and other problems I had. It was slow going, but having Eren with me during some of my therapy sessions certainly helped. There were things I was still uncomfortable discussing, but for once, I could actually envision a light at the end of the long, dark road.

Gonna crash ‘n burn if you’re not by my side  
You’re my salvation  
My life raft in this endless sea

Isabel was important to me, and she always would be. But I couldn’t keep on living in the past. I had found something – _someone_ – who was just as important to me, if not more important, who made me realize that there was something worth fighting for in life.

And that person was a green-eyed brat who slept on his belly, snored, and could never seem to keep his hair tidy. He was a stubborn, determined brat who had rescued me on numerous occasions. More than once I had woken to the same nightmares, but it had been Eren who calmed me down. While I still played the piano, I found myself relying less on music to cope and more on Eren these days.

You’re more than I deserve  
More than I’d ever hoped for  
Doesn’t matter what you do  
Just swear you’ll stay by my side

The first time I went over to his place after we started dating, I had gone with the expectation that there would be sex involved. But there wasn’t. Eren made dinner, I helped clean, and we watched a few shows before heading to bed. It was unusual for me to lie down with another person beside me in bed and do nothing more than innocent touching, exchange words, and sleep. Surprisingly, I managed to sleep fairly well that night.

It quickly became routine for us to spend nights at one another’s condos now. It was rare for us not to see each other. I still wasn’t sure whether I wanted to move in together, but most nights if he wasn’t at my place, then I was at his. Eren had also begun joining me on my morning runs. While he had improved significantly, he was still far from agile and often ran out of breath thirty minutes in.

‘Cause I’m drowning in you  
Drowning in those bottomless eyes of yours  
Drowning as the ocean swallows me whole  
Drowning till I can’t breathe  
Drowning till you fill my every breath  
I’m drowning in you, babe…

But no matter how fit or unfit he was, no matter if he couldn’t keep his hair tidy to save his life or was stubborn as fuck, Eren had given me a pair of wings I had never had before.

 _He_ was the wings of freedom I had yearned for my entire life.

Oooh… I’m drowning in you…

Thunderous applause shook the stadium as cheers and whistles rang out the moment I finished the last line. I could hear some fans in the front row screaming how they loved me and shouts for an encore, but all I wanted to do was see Eren.

I think Hange actually wanted Eren to come on stage during the performance when we were discussing the program and once she knew what it was about, but I vetoed it. The song was most definitely going to fuel a witch hunt for Eren and I didn’t want my boyfriend to be subject to such scrutiny. The brunet had mentioned it didn’t matter, but I’d much rather enjoy the last couple of days in anonymity as much as possible.

The rest of the concert was inconsequential after that.

 

“That was beautiful, Lee.” Eren wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a kiss. The other occupants in the room became inconsequential the moment he stepped into the room. I only had eyes for one person as I stared into Eren’s eyes. “If I didn’t already love you so much, I’d have fallen for you then.”

“Tch, stop being so mushy, brat.”

“Says the person who confessed using a _live_ song.”

“Fuck you, brat.”

“Already did that.” He snarked back at me.

“Shut up, Eren.” I grumbled, hiding my head in the crook of his shoulder, uncomfortable at facing him after doing something so embarrassing.

“Love you too, Levi.”

When he couldn’t access my face, he nuzzled the side of my hair, holding me tightly. I was largely uncomfortable with public displays of affection, but slowly coming around to it. At least when the audience was comprised of people I knew.

“Say… do you want to move in together? We already spend all our time together and it would be easier than running back and forth to grab a change of clothes every couple of days.”

I blinked, taken by surprise at the candid question. Raising my head, I stared into the pair of questioning emeralds which had become so dear to me. Living together, or even the possibility of it happening, was a level of commitment that I had never experienced before. Having my own place was comforting as it meant I would always have someplace return to and do whatever I wanted. But moving in together would remove all barriers between our lives.

He must have taken my pause for rejection as he opened his mouth again. “If you don’t–”

“No.” Twisting my body, I raised my hand to stop Eren from rambling. The pair of ever-changing green turned to me with a question in them.

“No?” The fire in them dimmed and I could feel the hold of his arms loosen.

I hadn’t meant to upset him, only to shut him up.

My heart already knew what it wanted. My brain just needed an extra couple of moments to reign in a couple of wayward thoughts and put a lid on my anxiety.

Living together would only mean an increased chance of conflict, but I was willing to chance that if he was. Despite the adjustments and compromises we’d have to make, it was worth it.

 _He_ was worth it. And more.

 _Much_ more.

“No, I mean let’s do it. Let’s move in together.”

It had been more than a year since I had met Eren and I was ready to begin the next chapter of my life.


	16. Drowning in You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just Levi's song in the epilogue without any text between it. Hope you guys enjoy it! This was the impetus for the fic. **Originally was a poem, but the lyrics are mine, so please don't copy them.** Sadly, I'm not musical enough to come up with the song...
> 
> Until next time~
> 
> Kudos, comments, and any feedback is greatly appreciated! <(_ _)>
> 
> * * *

You don’t know how much it hurts to see you cry  
I’d much rather die than see your pain  
I’m sorry I’m a motherfucking wreck

You touch me so innocently  
So stop, cause I ain’t gonna break  
I’m already drowning in you  
Carried away on the waves of your heart

I can see it in your eyes  
See the shadows you try and hide  
I’m sorry for making you cry

Even then I’m falling for you  
Falling in those sea-green eyes of yours  
Drowning as the ocean swallows me whole  
Drowning till I can’t breathe  
Drowning till you fill my every breath  
I’m drowning in you…

Dusk falls and I’m not afraid if you’re by my side  
In the shadowy dark I’ve left behind  
Close my eyes you’re all I see

Gonna crash ‘n burn if you’re not by my side  
You’re my salvation  
My life raft in this endless sea

You’re more than I deserve  
More than I’d ever hoped for  
Doesn’t matter what you do  
Just swear you’ll stay by my side

‘Cause I’m drowning in you  
Drowning in those bottomless eyes of yours  
Drowning as the ocean swallows me whole  
Drowning till I can’t breathe  
Drowning till you fill my every breath  
I’m drowning in you, babe…

Oooh… I’m drowning in you…


End file.
